as a way to wrap up what I had to say earlier...
i heard this song this evening that i thought it might be important to for us to take a good look at the words and soak them in.
they are not my words nor would i ever claim them to be they are words that should resonate in all of us everyday.
its important to remember that we are only people all made from the same thing and when we knock someone down based on the color of their skin, their sex, their religion, their beliefs, their disabilities, their socioeconmonic status, their sexual preferences we are knocking down a brother or sister in humanity. we know nothing of their story of their hardships and troubles or loves and hobbies. we are more alike than we realize - we are human and made from the same things.
so please take with you these words...
imagine there's no heaven
it's easy if you try
no hell below us
above us only sky
imagine all the people
living for today...
imagine there's no countries
it isn't hard to do
nothing to kill or die for
and no religion too
imagine all the people
living life in peace...
you may say I'm a dreamer
but I'm not the only one
i hope someday you'll join us
and the world will be as one
imagine no possessions
i wonder if you can
no need for greed or hunger
a brotherhood of man
imagine all the people
sharing all the world...
you may say I'm a dreamer
but I'm not the only one
i hope someday you'll join us
and the world will live as one
-john lennon
with these words in my heart i will never stop fighting for equality.
happy reading.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
free to be you and me
so recently i have had an experience that has rocked me to my core...
and i am thankful for the strength in which i possess in myself and my beliefs.
in light of recent events that have happened in our communities...
the one that surrounds us directly and then the human community in which we live.
it is the issue of human rights...
i feel the need to stand up for humans of all shapes, colors, sex, and sexual preference.
it hurts my soul that we as people feel the right to take away certain civil liberties from others because we simply don't agree.
sadly enough this experience came from facebook...oh how silly this may sound to some but it was something that truly stunned my core.
on national coming out day, i chose to lend my status as a platform for support by offering up my suuport and love in the freedom for those who have felt afraid to do so until now...to come out. in a safe place. the way the world should be.
and maybe i am jaded in believing that i should be able to offer support without others opening their mouths or in this case unleashing their fingers and assulting a simple message of love and support.
personally i see people saw things on facebook or other public forums, and these are people that i care about, i might have a difference in beliefs or values, but none the less, i make the choice to keep my mouth shut and not be a contributor to the problem. this is one thing that i pride myself one, i do not and never will choose my friends or leave my friends because our beliefs differ. i love them all dearly and i respect their opinions, that is part of what makes them human, however even if i disagree with them i don't find it necessary to engage in a belief war... this however was what happened to my "status."
a friend of mine, who i love dearly and i will not name names because that is only fair. please do not misunderstand me readers...i have nothing but love and respect for the person involved in this "war" shall you.
this friend of mine took a message meant from a place of love and support and took their opinions and broke it. in words that were beyond hurtful, especially under the circumstances. it was not a place that opinions were to be uttered. this friend of mine thought that we had the same beliefs and values of non-hatred and equality, which after all that happened was very apparently not true.
this friends words were so offensive, that other friends of mine stood up to say that the person in questions was out of line and beyond inappropriate...
i cannot express the hurt that was caused by these words.
as i write this though i must remember all though i was hurt by the words that were uttered by this friend of mine...
i must forgive.
and move on.
all i can ask is that before we open our mouths and tempt to play with fire...remember you will get burned.
there is also a time and place for everything and although we might not agree with they way that others feel and believe...we need not say everything we think.
bite your tongue.
and count your blessings.
happy reading.
and i am thankful for the strength in which i possess in myself and my beliefs.
in light of recent events that have happened in our communities...
the one that surrounds us directly and then the human community in which we live.
it is the issue of human rights...
i feel the need to stand up for humans of all shapes, colors, sex, and sexual preference.
it hurts my soul that we as people feel the right to take away certain civil liberties from others because we simply don't agree.
sadly enough this experience came from facebook...oh how silly this may sound to some but it was something that truly stunned my core.
on national coming out day, i chose to lend my status as a platform for support by offering up my suuport and love in the freedom for those who have felt afraid to do so until now...to come out. in a safe place. the way the world should be.
and maybe i am jaded in believing that i should be able to offer support without others opening their mouths or in this case unleashing their fingers and assulting a simple message of love and support.
personally i see people saw things on facebook or other public forums, and these are people that i care about, i might have a difference in beliefs or values, but none the less, i make the choice to keep my mouth shut and not be a contributor to the problem. this is one thing that i pride myself one, i do not and never will choose my friends or leave my friends because our beliefs differ. i love them all dearly and i respect their opinions, that is part of what makes them human, however even if i disagree with them i don't find it necessary to engage in a belief war... this however was what happened to my "status."
a friend of mine, who i love dearly and i will not name names because that is only fair. please do not misunderstand me readers...i have nothing but love and respect for the person involved in this "war" shall you.
this friend of mine took a message meant from a place of love and support and took their opinions and broke it. in words that were beyond hurtful, especially under the circumstances. it was not a place that opinions were to be uttered. this friend of mine thought that we had the same beliefs and values of non-hatred and equality, which after all that happened was very apparently not true.
this friends words were so offensive, that other friends of mine stood up to say that the person in questions was out of line and beyond inappropriate...
i cannot express the hurt that was caused by these words.
as i write this though i must remember all though i was hurt by the words that were uttered by this friend of mine...
i must forgive.
and move on.
all i can ask is that before we open our mouths and tempt to play with fire...remember you will get burned.
there is also a time and place for everything and although we might not agree with they way that others feel and believe...we need not say everything we think.
bite your tongue.
and count your blessings.
happy reading.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
trimmed fat leads to lean pickings
so recently i decided that i would trim the friendship fat...
i have begun the process of letting go of a few friends who have repeatedly hurt me by their behavior.
i am learning that this is easier said than done.
i have 2 friends in particular that i am "trimming" from my life at this present moment and i am finding it to be very hard.
although one of them doesn't ever answer her phone (who knows if she even has the same phone # as she did when we were friends) i still miss her...she was one of those friends that before she met the bf of hers was a wonderful friend for the most part...the kind of friend a friend would like to have at times... well maybe she wasn't that awesome to begin with. however she was one of those people when you were having a hard day she was a kind ear and a tender heart to pour yours upon...but she met this fellow and that all changed. i can't help but wonder if the demise of our friendship is due to the fellow in mention...maybe he doesn't like me (well that's all fine and good and that bothers not but she shouldn't discount her friends because one says so...) however she literally fell off the map when he came along. i of course get the hanging out with your friends less because you have met someone and want to further your relationship however deciding never to call them or be short and rude every time they call well that's another story all together.
i of course cannot tell anyone how to live their life or treat their friends but i'm pretty sure that treating them like they are garbage that was great to have around while they were single but now they are no longer so it is time for them to be discarded is not the way to go...
man i feel as though that i could go on about this forever...
it hurt me deeply.
i miss my friend.
i miss her coming over in the evenings to hang out with me and the little lady...
with whom she also is supposed to have a very special relationship but has neglected since the "man" came around...
he has his own children and now she is playing "mommy" or whatever it is that she is doing...
i am saddened by this loss greatly.
i feel like i almost have a phantom limb friend...
i want to call her and invite her over however every time i have invited her - even if its been in advance...she always has better things to do.
which is ok.
i wish her love, happiness, and success in her life.
i will be sad that she is not there to share mine with me.
ok....
now on to the next...
the 2nd friendship that i am cutting out is another hard one...
i am not sure where to begin...
this friend and i have been friends for many years...
and i have given as much love and support as i can possibly give to said friend.
and throughout the years i have not been treated particularly well by this friend..
but at this point that's really neither here nor there...
what kills me is the present time.
she calls me her best friend yet she makes no effort to spend time with me...
i try to hang out but its always to no avail...
she has a friend with whom she maintains a terribly unhealthy friendship with and she recognizes it and yet they remain what appears as the best of friends.
and it hurts.
although fb should not the basis for my hurt it is the catalyst.
she (my friend) has told me numerous times her tales of woe with said girl....
however they continue to have plans and maintain what appears to be a very active relationship...
when i who is told that i am the "best friend" doesn't even get phone calls returned...
oh well.
i guess in some ways i am jealous but mostly i feel fed up...
fed up with being there to wipe away the tears and help clean up the messes yet someone else (whom many of the previously stated items are courtesy of) seems to have the friendship or at least the activites of friendship that i have so desired with this friend of mine for years...
it makes me sad.
but i am sick of putting forth the effort and only ever being a back up friend....and oh my plans fell through we should hang out friend.
do people not see the hurt they cause in others...
however i still stupidly keep trying to make efforts with both people however it always ends up being in vain and to no avail.
needless to say i am hurt deeply by 2 people who i love dearly...
i am not sure what to do.
i am not sure whether i am to give up and walk away and save myself the hurt that these 2 "friendships" bring upon my life and move on...
but why does it hurt so bad
thats what i want to know...
why is so hard to give up on people that give you nothing but hurt in return.
when does the actuality of the fact that people are going to be who they are going to be regardless of what we do set in...
that as much as we might try to be there for others there comes a time when we must be there for ourselves first and foremost...
however why is it that once we trim the fat...that is all we crave...
i wish that i could leave you with my usual wishes of happy reading but i am afraid that i cannot in good conscience do so...
as i am hurting so much so by all this...
so with that i simply bid your farewell.
i have begun the process of letting go of a few friends who have repeatedly hurt me by their behavior.
i am learning that this is easier said than done.
i have 2 friends in particular that i am "trimming" from my life at this present moment and i am finding it to be very hard.
although one of them doesn't ever answer her phone (who knows if she even has the same phone # as she did when we were friends) i still miss her...she was one of those friends that before she met the bf of hers was a wonderful friend for the most part...the kind of friend a friend would like to have at times... well maybe she wasn't that awesome to begin with. however she was one of those people when you were having a hard day she was a kind ear and a tender heart to pour yours upon...but she met this fellow and that all changed. i can't help but wonder if the demise of our friendship is due to the fellow in mention...maybe he doesn't like me (well that's all fine and good and that bothers not but she shouldn't discount her friends because one says so...) however she literally fell off the map when he came along. i of course get the hanging out with your friends less because you have met someone and want to further your relationship however deciding never to call them or be short and rude every time they call well that's another story all together.
i of course cannot tell anyone how to live their life or treat their friends but i'm pretty sure that treating them like they are garbage that was great to have around while they were single but now they are no longer so it is time for them to be discarded is not the way to go...
man i feel as though that i could go on about this forever...
it hurt me deeply.
i miss my friend.
i miss her coming over in the evenings to hang out with me and the little lady...
with whom she also is supposed to have a very special relationship but has neglected since the "man" came around...
he has his own children and now she is playing "mommy" or whatever it is that she is doing...
i am saddened by this loss greatly.
i feel like i almost have a phantom limb friend...
i want to call her and invite her over however every time i have invited her - even if its been in advance...she always has better things to do.
which is ok.
i wish her love, happiness, and success in her life.
i will be sad that she is not there to share mine with me.
ok....
now on to the next...
the 2nd friendship that i am cutting out is another hard one...
i am not sure where to begin...
this friend and i have been friends for many years...
and i have given as much love and support as i can possibly give to said friend.
and throughout the years i have not been treated particularly well by this friend..
but at this point that's really neither here nor there...
what kills me is the present time.
she calls me her best friend yet she makes no effort to spend time with me...
i try to hang out but its always to no avail...
she has a friend with whom she maintains a terribly unhealthy friendship with and she recognizes it and yet they remain what appears as the best of friends.
and it hurts.
although fb should not the basis for my hurt it is the catalyst.
she (my friend) has told me numerous times her tales of woe with said girl....
however they continue to have plans and maintain what appears to be a very active relationship...
when i who is told that i am the "best friend" doesn't even get phone calls returned...
oh well.
i guess in some ways i am jealous but mostly i feel fed up...
fed up with being there to wipe away the tears and help clean up the messes yet someone else (whom many of the previously stated items are courtesy of) seems to have the friendship or at least the activites of friendship that i have so desired with this friend of mine for years...
it makes me sad.
but i am sick of putting forth the effort and only ever being a back up friend....and oh my plans fell through we should hang out friend.
do people not see the hurt they cause in others...
however i still stupidly keep trying to make efforts with both people however it always ends up being in vain and to no avail.
needless to say i am hurt deeply by 2 people who i love dearly...
i am not sure what to do.
i am not sure whether i am to give up and walk away and save myself the hurt that these 2 "friendships" bring upon my life and move on...
but why does it hurt so bad
thats what i want to know...
why is so hard to give up on people that give you nothing but hurt in return.
when does the actuality of the fact that people are going to be who they are going to be regardless of what we do set in...
that as much as we might try to be there for others there comes a time when we must be there for ourselves first and foremost...
however why is it that once we trim the fat...that is all we crave...
i wish that i could leave you with my usual wishes of happy reading but i am afraid that i cannot in good conscience do so...
as i am hurting so much so by all this...
so with that i simply bid your farewell.
Monday, August 16, 2010
summa summa summatime...
time to sit back and unwind...
so i finally have a break from that which i do daily...and i have this break for a month
however i am at an absolute loss of what to do with myself.
i know i should just be enjoying the time off but its technically the first day of my break and i already feel like i am going stir crazy.
but at least i have a plethora of good music to keep me entertained.
so i must tell you a little story of some good luck - or good happiness that was thrown my way.
this last saturday my mostly companion's kid sister (she's not really a kid but she younger so we will call her kid sister for the sake of birth order) and i were going to get some free pizza - courtesy of my dear friend steppy nubble - nicknamed for anonymity's sake...she had a groupon that she and her husband were going to be unable to use so she asked me if i wanted it i of course said yes who would pass up free pizza - unless of course if you didnt like pizza then you might but then you would be a shocking rare creature that one like myself would not know how to handle....
so back to the story at hand...
we are en route to pizza when i receive a text message about a band that we are both longing to see...The Temper Trap...and the text is about a free show that is playing at the Buffalo Gap...at 4pm and there is room for 120 people - i turn to look to her and report the news....
needless to say we turn around and change our course for the afternoon....sadly though my mostly companion is golfing in the hundred degree weather missing all the goodness that is about to occur.
so we arrive at the buffalo gap - we are the 3rd group of people that arrive for the show - we grab a beer each and get in line...my goodness we are so excited.
to make this story even better - we had been having lunch the previous day talking about how badly we had wanted to go to the concert t (that was saturday night) she was very jealous her boyfriend was going and i had been trying to win tickets all week to no avail...but my how the tables would turn.
so the mini concert starts and they are AMAZING!! Beyond what we had both imagined....
and the tale gets better...
sooooo....
there is a girl from the radio station walking around talking to us special invitees - members of the "mobile nation" inquiring as to how we like the show.
we told her our tale of musical woe...
she continued her route around the room as we went on conversing with one another...
low and behold she comes back and sits down at our table and begins telling us that we must celebrate quietly...
as she slides 2 tickets for that nights show...
what are you kidding me?
we have just been given two free tickets compliments of the radio station to which we are both loyal listeners...
so we are in shock and very excited...
we follow the instructions though and celebrate quietly.
so once finished we decide it is time to head off to free dinner...after free intimate concert..before we head to free full blown concert...
wow oh wow what a day it turned out to be.
I must say though that i feel bad as we were supposed to both attend a bbq (myself and my mostly companion) he went for the both of us as i was slightly...um well lost in joy!!
so my apologies to our friends!!
much love!!
And happy reading!!
so i finally have a break from that which i do daily...and i have this break for a month
however i am at an absolute loss of what to do with myself.
i know i should just be enjoying the time off but its technically the first day of my break and i already feel like i am going stir crazy.
but at least i have a plethora of good music to keep me entertained.
so i must tell you a little story of some good luck - or good happiness that was thrown my way.
this last saturday my mostly companion's kid sister (she's not really a kid but she younger so we will call her kid sister for the sake of birth order) and i were going to get some free pizza - courtesy of my dear friend steppy nubble - nicknamed for anonymity's sake...she had a groupon that she and her husband were going to be unable to use so she asked me if i wanted it i of course said yes who would pass up free pizza - unless of course if you didnt like pizza then you might but then you would be a shocking rare creature that one like myself would not know how to handle....
so back to the story at hand...
we are en route to pizza when i receive a text message about a band that we are both longing to see...The Temper Trap...and the text is about a free show that is playing at the Buffalo Gap...at 4pm and there is room for 120 people - i turn to look to her and report the news....
needless to say we turn around and change our course for the afternoon....sadly though my mostly companion is golfing in the hundred degree weather missing all the goodness that is about to occur.
so we arrive at the buffalo gap - we are the 3rd group of people that arrive for the show - we grab a beer each and get in line...my goodness we are so excited.
to make this story even better - we had been having lunch the previous day talking about how badly we had wanted to go to the concert t (that was saturday night) she was very jealous her boyfriend was going and i had been trying to win tickets all week to no avail...but my how the tables would turn.
so the mini concert starts and they are AMAZING!! Beyond what we had both imagined....
and the tale gets better...
sooooo....
there is a girl from the radio station walking around talking to us special invitees - members of the "mobile nation" inquiring as to how we like the show.
we told her our tale of musical woe...
she continued her route around the room as we went on conversing with one another...
low and behold she comes back and sits down at our table and begins telling us that we must celebrate quietly...
as she slides 2 tickets for that nights show...
what are you kidding me?
we have just been given two free tickets compliments of the radio station to which we are both loyal listeners...
so we are in shock and very excited...
we follow the instructions though and celebrate quietly.
so once finished we decide it is time to head off to free dinner...after free intimate concert..before we head to free full blown concert...
wow oh wow what a day it turned out to be.
I must say though that i feel bad as we were supposed to both attend a bbq (myself and my mostly companion) he went for the both of us as i was slightly...um well lost in joy!!
so my apologies to our friends!!
much love!!
And happy reading!!
Monday, July 26, 2010
ummm...yeah some things that really aren't ok.
so this week i have experienced a few things that have REALLY rubbed me the wrong way, so i thought that i needed to rant about them...as it might make feel better...or amuse you or at least myself. so here goes...
1. please don't clip your fingernails in the classroom at school during class...its gross, you have a home do it there.
2. please please please use turn signals - and if you are lost pull over in a safe place and figure out where you are going instead of driving 5 miles an hour down a main thoroughfare...
3. telling your children that they are going to get fatter and fatter if they eat all their food. Aren't we supposed to look out for our children and guide them and love them and encourage them to be the best, healthiest, happiest little people after all aren't they our future?
4. chapped lips.
5. people who allow their children to cut in line.
Happy Reading!
1. please don't clip your fingernails in the classroom at school during class...its gross, you have a home do it there.
2. please please please use turn signals - and if you are lost pull over in a safe place and figure out where you are going instead of driving 5 miles an hour down a main thoroughfare...
3. telling your children that they are going to get fatter and fatter if they eat all their food. Aren't we supposed to look out for our children and guide them and love them and encourage them to be the best, healthiest, happiest little people after all aren't they our future?
4. chapped lips.
5. people who allow their children to cut in line.
Happy Reading!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
bloggity blog blog blog...
so friends...i have emerged from the darkness.
well actually all us Portlanders have finally emerged from the dark. it is finally summer - mid july.
remind me again why i live here. i find it a really interesting idea. that i live in a state that although it is beautiful has no real appeal for me. yes my family is here, and there are things that i like however there are for more things that i really cant stand. such as the weather. i hate the weather.
let me say it again for those who didn't understand me the first time...
I HATE THE WEATHER.
i found the funniest thing in regards to portlanders and the weather - that we think that the sun is a ufo.
i have decided that i think that the "sun" in portland is really more of a government expirment to see how long we can go without all going completly stir crazy before they actually show us the sun. sort of like the truman show. i hate it. my least favorite part of it is the humidity - it finally gets nice and its sticky beyond comprehension...
i would apologize for my bitching..but i can't. i really can't.
it makes me so sad - no sad is not the word...i dont know what the word is. however i think of the coast..i love the "coast" actually i love the beach...we dont have a beach we have the coast...its rocky and the water is cold and it usually rains. i want to swim in the ocean (and not need to cover myself from head to toe in a neoprene body condom) i want to go and spend the day in the sun on the beach...not take my rain coat always.
i do like central oregon...in the summer when it is HOT and i can play in Sunriver at the pool and wear my swimsuit all day and at night it gets cold. i love it there...but that is not the oregon that i live in. i also love that it snows there too...
but back to the portland sun...i do find it amusing that as an oregonian, i dont own an umbrella...if i ever do i lose them instantly and i dont really know how to use one...i would think that its better to catch rain water and purify it for something great like brewing beer. and everytime i am with someone who is using one i am always the person who takes an umbrella to the eye. not fun.
i am also the oregonian who the moment it hits 60 believes that it is shorts and flip flop weather...if i get a little chilly thats what a hoody is for and yes i do wear shorts in the rain. but if i did i would only get to wear shorts at soccer and a few days a year and i cant handle that.
so i ask myself again why? why oh why do i live here in oregon...
happy reading.
well actually all us Portlanders have finally emerged from the dark. it is finally summer - mid july.
remind me again why i live here. i find it a really interesting idea. that i live in a state that although it is beautiful has no real appeal for me. yes my family is here, and there are things that i like however there are for more things that i really cant stand. such as the weather. i hate the weather.
let me say it again for those who didn't understand me the first time...
I HATE THE WEATHER.
i found the funniest thing in regards to portlanders and the weather - that we think that the sun is a ufo.
i have decided that i think that the "sun" in portland is really more of a government expirment to see how long we can go without all going completly stir crazy before they actually show us the sun. sort of like the truman show. i hate it. my least favorite part of it is the humidity - it finally gets nice and its sticky beyond comprehension...
i would apologize for my bitching..but i can't. i really can't.
it makes me so sad - no sad is not the word...i dont know what the word is. however i think of the coast..i love the "coast" actually i love the beach...we dont have a beach we have the coast...its rocky and the water is cold and it usually rains. i want to swim in the ocean (and not need to cover myself from head to toe in a neoprene body condom) i want to go and spend the day in the sun on the beach...not take my rain coat always.
i do like central oregon...in the summer when it is HOT and i can play in Sunriver at the pool and wear my swimsuit all day and at night it gets cold. i love it there...but that is not the oregon that i live in. i also love that it snows there too...
but back to the portland sun...i do find it amusing that as an oregonian, i dont own an umbrella...if i ever do i lose them instantly and i dont really know how to use one...i would think that its better to catch rain water and purify it for something great like brewing beer. and everytime i am with someone who is using one i am always the person who takes an umbrella to the eye. not fun.
i am also the oregonian who the moment it hits 60 believes that it is shorts and flip flop weather...if i get a little chilly thats what a hoody is for and yes i do wear shorts in the rain. but if i did i would only get to wear shorts at soccer and a few days a year and i cant handle that.
so i ask myself again why? why oh why do i live here in oregon...
happy reading.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The House That Built Me
Driving home today this song came on the radio and I begun to cry, cry for all my wonderful childhood memories, cry for the loss of my father, cry for the loss of my childhood. So I thought I needed to share.
I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
Friday, May 14, 2010
A tribute
Today I take to my blog in a toast to my dear dear friend Jilly...(her full name won't be used.) But she knows who she is.
This morning I recieved a wonderful phone call. My friend Jilly is now the reciepient of the Ford Scholarship. Now friends this scholorship is not your ordinary everyday scholarship. This is a life changing scholarship.
First and foremost I must congratulate all of the Ford Applicants and say that you are all remarkable and I am proud of each and everyone of you.
Jilly! A toast is in order - you are a warrior...not just a warrior you are a VAGINA WARRIOR. And without you, I wouldn't have been quite the VAGINA WARRIOR that I have become. Without you I would have never been a part of Vagina Monologues and for that I cannot thank you enough. What a wonderful experience. And to share it with you. You have inspired my year of change. And this year has been an amazing year for me thus far and it is only May. We have been friends for a very long time - seen each other through more than anyone should go through in a lifetime or 2 lifetimes. You and I have grown from sad, scared, little girls who were becoming mothers - to AMAZING, FIERCE and FEARLESS WOMEN - AND SINGLE MOTHERS WITH WONDERFUL, BRIGHT, HAPPY, HEALTHY CHILDREN!! We did it! You have inspired my year of change. You have been my friend through thick and through thin - we have cried together and laughed together. You have come back to school to change your life and change the world. And that you are doing daily. You are an inspiration to me. You have been such a role model not only to me but to young women and mothers entering the community of Portland Community College. WOW. Jilly you are a rockstar. I am speechless and overwhelmed with things I want to say to you and to the world about how remarkable a woman I think you are. You are raising 2 young boys who will become wonderful little men, courtesy of their mother who has made their life possible. You my friend have earned this. You have set out on a mission for success and change and now my friend you have the opportunity to make it all happen.
So with that I say to you and to the universe. Jilly I am proud of you and you are my hero today and every day. Please never stop changing the world. I love you.
Happy Reading!
This morning I recieved a wonderful phone call. My friend Jilly is now the reciepient of the Ford Scholarship. Now friends this scholorship is not your ordinary everyday scholarship. This is a life changing scholarship.
First and foremost I must congratulate all of the Ford Applicants and say that you are all remarkable and I am proud of each and everyone of you.
Jilly! A toast is in order - you are a warrior...not just a warrior you are a VAGINA WARRIOR. And without you, I wouldn't have been quite the VAGINA WARRIOR that I have become. Without you I would have never been a part of Vagina Monologues and for that I cannot thank you enough. What a wonderful experience. And to share it with you. You have inspired my year of change. And this year has been an amazing year for me thus far and it is only May. We have been friends for a very long time - seen each other through more than anyone should go through in a lifetime or 2 lifetimes. You and I have grown from sad, scared, little girls who were becoming mothers - to AMAZING, FIERCE and FEARLESS WOMEN - AND SINGLE MOTHERS WITH WONDERFUL, BRIGHT, HAPPY, HEALTHY CHILDREN!! We did it! You have inspired my year of change. You have been my friend through thick and through thin - we have cried together and laughed together. You have come back to school to change your life and change the world. And that you are doing daily. You are an inspiration to me. You have been such a role model not only to me but to young women and mothers entering the community of Portland Community College. WOW. Jilly you are a rockstar. I am speechless and overwhelmed with things I want to say to you and to the world about how remarkable a woman I think you are. You are raising 2 young boys who will become wonderful little men, courtesy of their mother who has made their life possible. You my friend have earned this. You have set out on a mission for success and change and now my friend you have the opportunity to make it all happen.
So with that I say to you and to the universe. Jilly I am proud of you and you are my hero today and every day. Please never stop changing the world. I love you.
Happy Reading!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Rules of Driving...another addition
16. Do not shave bikini line while driving...not only is it unsafe but really gross to boot.
17. If you have not applied your makeup when you left you house, please do not so while driving, even if you try to do it at a stop light that is not adequate time to fix your face...and trust me you look a lot better without make up than you would as a cyclops because you poked out your eye with a mascara wand.
18. When driving in a construction zone where lanes are closed and cones have designated new lanes, don't think that just because you don't understand the lane system that the rest of us are in the same boat cause chances are we do get it...considering thats why we are in the new lanes to begin with and we would greatly appreciate if you cannot follow the directions that you wait your turn and get in at the END of the line not squeezing in where ever you see fit. It makes people mad and at that point you have a better chance of hitting someones car than getting let in...and stupidity isn't a good excuse for cops or for your insurance.
To Be Continued...
Happy Reading!
17. If you have not applied your makeup when you left you house, please do not so while driving, even if you try to do it at a stop light that is not adequate time to fix your face...and trust me you look a lot better without make up than you would as a cyclops because you poked out your eye with a mascara wand.
18. When driving in a construction zone where lanes are closed and cones have designated new lanes, don't think that just because you don't understand the lane system that the rest of us are in the same boat cause chances are we do get it...considering thats why we are in the new lanes to begin with and we would greatly appreciate if you cannot follow the directions that you wait your turn and get in at the END of the line not squeezing in where ever you see fit. It makes people mad and at that point you have a better chance of hitting someones car than getting let in...and stupidity isn't a good excuse for cops or for your insurance.
To Be Continued...
Happy Reading!
I was told I was missed...
So as I sit her contemplating what to write, I sit back and think about things that have been going on in the world around me. Although my own personal world isn't terribly exciting (it is mostly filled with anatomy and physiolgy)...so I lost my train of thought already. I suppose there wasn't much there to begin with.
BUT anyways...I was thinking back to a story that I heard about the day after mothers day and it really touched my heart it was about a young man a pitcher for the Oakland A's named Dallas Braden, this young man lost his mother some years back I am not sure how many, but this game was on mother's day. He pitched his first perfect game on Mother's Day and sadly enough his mother was not there to see him complete this amazing feat. His grandmother however was there to see it. And this touched me so greatly, when I heard about this I thought how wonderful for him. I also thought of how sad it made me that more people didn't care about the sweet emotional significance.
Again on this subject I think of Phil Mickelson and his win at the Masters this year and how touching it was to see his wife who is battling for her lfe with breast cancer as is his mother to be there to hug him that end. And to see in his eyes that nothing meant more in the world than to hold her in his arms to be able to share his accomplishments with her, that green jacket could come or go, but in his arms is where he always wanted her to stay.
In a world where we gawk more that train wrecks that are in the public eye ie Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods and the list goes on...we forget about the sweet inherant goodness and love of one another, and how special that is and how much more that needs to be appreciated. I honestly believe that the world needs to be touched by the kindness and embrace it as pathway in their own lives...
Thank you to those of you out there who are not afraid to love, not afraid to cry. I thank you again and again, from here to eternity.
Happy Reading
BUT anyways...I was thinking back to a story that I heard about the day after mothers day and it really touched my heart it was about a young man a pitcher for the Oakland A's named Dallas Braden, this young man lost his mother some years back I am not sure how many, but this game was on mother's day. He pitched his first perfect game on Mother's Day and sadly enough his mother was not there to see him complete this amazing feat. His grandmother however was there to see it. And this touched me so greatly, when I heard about this I thought how wonderful for him. I also thought of how sad it made me that more people didn't care about the sweet emotional significance.
Again on this subject I think of Phil Mickelson and his win at the Masters this year and how touching it was to see his wife who is battling for her lfe with breast cancer as is his mother to be there to hug him that end. And to see in his eyes that nothing meant more in the world than to hold her in his arms to be able to share his accomplishments with her, that green jacket could come or go, but in his arms is where he always wanted her to stay.
In a world where we gawk more that train wrecks that are in the public eye ie Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods and the list goes on...we forget about the sweet inherant goodness and love of one another, and how special that is and how much more that needs to be appreciated. I honestly believe that the world needs to be touched by the kindness and embrace it as pathway in their own lives...
Thank you to those of you out there who are not afraid to love, not afraid to cry. I thank you again and again, from here to eternity.
Happy Reading
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
New Rules of Driving...they really should be followed.
Rule 1. Do not do your hair - if it wasn't done when you got in the car that's ok, no one is in there with you therefore no one cares what your hair looks like.
Rule 2. Chips and dip are for parties not for driving.
Rule 3. Cereal is a breakfast food better eaten at home not in a moving vehicle especially when you are the operator of said moving vehicle.
Rule 4. Turn signals - use them. That's what they are there for.
Rule 5. You can only turn left or right from the outside lanes in to the respective outside lanes unless otherwise indicated.
Rule 6. Please leave your reading material at home or save it for when you have reached your destination.
Rule 7. Figure out where you are going and how you are going to get there prior to heading there. Its easier for all of us this way.
Rule 8. This rule applies to the owners of luxury cars more specifically than others. Just because you can afford a fancy car does not give you special privileges while driving.
Rule 9. You are not more special than anyone else on the road - we are all trying to get somewhere too.
Rule 10. Being rude while driving doesn't do anything but make you look like a jack ass and put a bad taste in other peoples mouths.
Rule 11. Don't litter out your windows - your mother taught you better than that.
Rule 12. Don't steal parking spaces from people who have obviously waiting, just because you have no patience does not mean that you get special treatment.
Rule 13. When in neighborhoods realize that you are in a neighborhood not on a race track slow down.
Rule 14. Go ahead and drive crazy between stop lights - you are only going to get to the red light faster. (please note sarcasim)
Rule 15. Stop at stop signs they do have a purpose.
Please if you have other rules that you feel should be added by all means! And this list should be continued.
Happy Reading!
Rule 2. Chips and dip are for parties not for driving.
Rule 3. Cereal is a breakfast food better eaten at home not in a moving vehicle especially when you are the operator of said moving vehicle.
Rule 4. Turn signals - use them. That's what they are there for.
Rule 5. You can only turn left or right from the outside lanes in to the respective outside lanes unless otherwise indicated.
Rule 6. Please leave your reading material at home or save it for when you have reached your destination.
Rule 7. Figure out where you are going and how you are going to get there prior to heading there. Its easier for all of us this way.
Rule 8. This rule applies to the owners of luxury cars more specifically than others. Just because you can afford a fancy car does not give you special privileges while driving.
Rule 9. You are not more special than anyone else on the road - we are all trying to get somewhere too.
Rule 10. Being rude while driving doesn't do anything but make you look like a jack ass and put a bad taste in other peoples mouths.
Rule 11. Don't litter out your windows - your mother taught you better than that.
Rule 12. Don't steal parking spaces from people who have obviously waiting, just because you have no patience does not mean that you get special treatment.
Rule 13. When in neighborhoods realize that you are in a neighborhood not on a race track slow down.
Rule 14. Go ahead and drive crazy between stop lights - you are only going to get to the red light faster. (please note sarcasim)
Rule 15. Stop at stop signs they do have a purpose.
Please if you have other rules that you feel should be added by all means! And this list should be continued.
Happy Reading!
Friday, April 23, 2010
A different kind of writing
So normally when i sit here and write I write from a place of happiness...
however tonight is a different story.
Although I am surrounded by my favorite little people, I sit here and I feel like I am failing. As if in life I have bitten off more than I can chew. I want to cry - however I do not want to cry in front of my daughter and my niece and nephew. But I feel like I am failing at life.
As I sit here and I contemplate the path that I have chosen in life, I wonder if I can do it. I feel like I am too stupid to be taking on this journey. And it breaks my heart. I work so hard. Prior to going back to school I had applied for hundreds probably thousands of jobs without so much as a call back. I feel unwanted and like failure, that I am not to succeed in life. I had thought that I had found my way years ago but it wasn't quite the place for me and things happened that led me away from it. And I suppose it is for the better. And now on this new journey, I have applied for scholarships and am not considered for them. I guess I just don't fit the bill or have the right things to say that will make them consider me.
I feel very alone in this world and frequently as if I have no one on my side. And like I have a place I am trying to get to, but I am lost along the way. I feel like a failure at life. There are people in my life, who seem to have things handed to them and walk away unscathed and then here I am and I work my ass off and I feel like I can never catch a break. Maybe I am doing something wrong - but would please someone show me the way.
At school I work so hard, i study so hard and then I struggle. It breaks my spirit I walk around and I feel stupid and like a failure all the time.
It is the same thing with my body...I work out so hard, i have begun running, i play soccer, I quit drinking and going out, and I cannot lose weight and i have friends who work out as well and they are losing all the weight that they want to. It is if i am destined to be chubby forever. I keep trying to convince myself not to worry about my outward appearance and be proud of the things that I am accomplishing athletically - I have recently become a "runner" or tried to anyway - I ran my first 5k in March and an 8k last weekend and I am preparing for another 5k at the beginning of may and hopefully a 10k at the end of may. Yet when I get the photos back I still look like the chubby girl who is trying to be a 'runner."
Maybe I am simply being to hard on myself...but I really feel like I am failing at life. At this point I sit here and contemplate my path...maybe I am simply not on the right on. I feel like I am falling apart. I feel very alone, and I am wishing that I had someone here to pick up the pieces and put them together the right way. At this moment I am feeling as though I need a vacation from my life. I want to run away and start all over. (Take my little one of course...shes my world.) But none the less start over in a new town with new faces. And maybe its as simple as making a change with how I look - I feel frumpy and unattractive but considering that I have no money I cannot get my hair done or buy new clothes - I am stuck looking like this. And I HATE IT. I have never in my life felt beautiful but the further that I embark on this journey of the great unknown - the worse I seem to feel about my outward appearance.
I can only hope that this frustration and feelings of defeat and failure dissipate and I do become all the things that dream of becoming not all of the things that I feel like I am.
however tonight is a different story.
Although I am surrounded by my favorite little people, I sit here and I feel like I am failing. As if in life I have bitten off more than I can chew. I want to cry - however I do not want to cry in front of my daughter and my niece and nephew. But I feel like I am failing at life.
As I sit here and I contemplate the path that I have chosen in life, I wonder if I can do it. I feel like I am too stupid to be taking on this journey. And it breaks my heart. I work so hard. Prior to going back to school I had applied for hundreds probably thousands of jobs without so much as a call back. I feel unwanted and like failure, that I am not to succeed in life. I had thought that I had found my way years ago but it wasn't quite the place for me and things happened that led me away from it. And I suppose it is for the better. And now on this new journey, I have applied for scholarships and am not considered for them. I guess I just don't fit the bill or have the right things to say that will make them consider me.
I feel very alone in this world and frequently as if I have no one on my side. And like I have a place I am trying to get to, but I am lost along the way. I feel like a failure at life. There are people in my life, who seem to have things handed to them and walk away unscathed and then here I am and I work my ass off and I feel like I can never catch a break. Maybe I am doing something wrong - but would please someone show me the way.
At school I work so hard, i study so hard and then I struggle. It breaks my spirit I walk around and I feel stupid and like a failure all the time.
It is the same thing with my body...I work out so hard, i have begun running, i play soccer, I quit drinking and going out, and I cannot lose weight and i have friends who work out as well and they are losing all the weight that they want to. It is if i am destined to be chubby forever. I keep trying to convince myself not to worry about my outward appearance and be proud of the things that I am accomplishing athletically - I have recently become a "runner" or tried to anyway - I ran my first 5k in March and an 8k last weekend and I am preparing for another 5k at the beginning of may and hopefully a 10k at the end of may. Yet when I get the photos back I still look like the chubby girl who is trying to be a 'runner."
Maybe I am simply being to hard on myself...but I really feel like I am failing at life. At this point I sit here and contemplate my path...maybe I am simply not on the right on. I feel like I am falling apart. I feel very alone, and I am wishing that I had someone here to pick up the pieces and put them together the right way. At this moment I am feeling as though I need a vacation from my life. I want to run away and start all over. (Take my little one of course...shes my world.) But none the less start over in a new town with new faces. And maybe its as simple as making a change with how I look - I feel frumpy and unattractive but considering that I have no money I cannot get my hair done or buy new clothes - I am stuck looking like this. And I HATE IT. I have never in my life felt beautiful but the further that I embark on this journey of the great unknown - the worse I seem to feel about my outward appearance.
I can only hope that this frustration and feelings of defeat and failure dissipate and I do become all the things that dream of becoming not all of the things that I feel like I am.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
its been a while old friend
so again it was brought to my attention that I am not keeping up with my blogging and for that I apologize. I have embarked on yet another term of school and it is consuming me...Lets just hope that it comes out to great results. That is what I hope for every term...but it doesn't always happen.
But this evening I am taking a momentary break for my life as it were and spending some much needed time with the people I love the most. My daughter of course and my niece and my nephew. They are delightful little people who make life so happy and carefree!
They are the moment all wearing capes and they are part of the Glenda Fame Bat club...and I'll tell you why. My niece who is the youngest of the three and she is almost 3 - her name begins with a G ( it is not however Glenda that was my daughters contribution) , my nephew who just turned 5 his name begins with an F...hence the fame. And we'll the bat club is because my nephew is wearing his batman pajamas complete with cape.
As I watch them play I am envious of how carefree and imaginative they all are together. They play so freely, there is no television turned on - there are no fancy toys involved...there are some capes, three kids, and a blanket (to disguise them from the bad guys as they are helping all the people that are in trouble) to have a wonderful time.
This reminds me of another funny story involving the very batman pajamas previously spoken of. A few months back my mostly companion and I were spending the evening with the littles and the boy was wearing the batman pajamas - as soon as he was dressed in them he said to me "where's my cape? I need my cape!" I however disappointingly it might be did not know where the cape in question was. We then proceeded to head downstairs in my sisters home so that the children could continue their play for a while and the boy (as I will be calling him as I do not want to mention names without permission from their parents...) was asked by my mostly companion "Are you Batman?" and the reply was "No, I'm [insert name here] Batman." and then he simply left the room.
Much to my delight tonight as we were putting on the boy's pajamas I was again asked "Where's my cape?" This time however much to HIS delight...I was able to provide him with the cape.
Fortunately this has not been the only delights that these wonderful beings have blessed me with this evening...they are quite hilarious. But earlier we had a lovely conversation on belly buttons which was followed by a displaying of bellybuttons - I maintained that I did not have one as I was not prepared to show mine to a 3,5 and 9 year old.
I find many delights in listening to my niece speak as she has the sweetest little voice and she says the sweetest things. She was talking to me about ella...that is Cinderella in her words. As well as "purple tights" which unfortunately I interpreted as poopy tights - not even close. OOPS...
Well I must depart at least for a few as I need to put the boy and his kid sister to bed. Sadly enough there will be no more tales of them for today but another time my friends!!
Happy Reading!
But this evening I am taking a momentary break for my life as it were and spending some much needed time with the people I love the most. My daughter of course and my niece and my nephew. They are delightful little people who make life so happy and carefree!
They are the moment all wearing capes and they are part of the Glenda Fame Bat club...and I'll tell you why. My niece who is the youngest of the three and she is almost 3 - her name begins with a G ( it is not however Glenda that was my daughters contribution) , my nephew who just turned 5 his name begins with an F...hence the fame. And we'll the bat club is because my nephew is wearing his batman pajamas complete with cape.
As I watch them play I am envious of how carefree and imaginative they all are together. They play so freely, there is no television turned on - there are no fancy toys involved...there are some capes, three kids, and a blanket (to disguise them from the bad guys as they are helping all the people that are in trouble) to have a wonderful time.
This reminds me of another funny story involving the very batman pajamas previously spoken of. A few months back my mostly companion and I were spending the evening with the littles and the boy was wearing the batman pajamas - as soon as he was dressed in them he said to me "where's my cape? I need my cape!" I however disappointingly it might be did not know where the cape in question was. We then proceeded to head downstairs in my sisters home so that the children could continue their play for a while and the boy (as I will be calling him as I do not want to mention names without permission from their parents...) was asked by my mostly companion "Are you Batman?" and the reply was "No, I'm [insert name here] Batman." and then he simply left the room.
Much to my delight tonight as we were putting on the boy's pajamas I was again asked "Where's my cape?" This time however much to HIS delight...I was able to provide him with the cape.
Fortunately this has not been the only delights that these wonderful beings have blessed me with this evening...they are quite hilarious. But earlier we had a lovely conversation on belly buttons which was followed by a displaying of bellybuttons - I maintained that I did not have one as I was not prepared to show mine to a 3,5 and 9 year old.
I find many delights in listening to my niece speak as she has the sweetest little voice and she says the sweetest things. She was talking to me about ella...that is Cinderella in her words. As well as "purple tights" which unfortunately I interpreted as poopy tights - not even close. OOPS...
Well I must depart at least for a few as I need to put the boy and his kid sister to bed. Sadly enough there will be no more tales of them for today but another time my friends!!
Happy Reading!
Monday, April 5, 2010
For You Steppy...
So it was pleasantly brought to my attention last night by a dear friend of mine...Steppy Nubble for anonymity's sake, that I hadn't been blogging much the last few days. So here I am attempting to make something witty and creative come out of my brain.
I suppose I feel as though I am lacking creative juices as I have begun my spring term back at school...fun stuff. No seriously though I love school. However I do get a little frustrated on evenings such as this where I am preparing and have been all weekend for a test that I am unclear as to what the test is going to be on. But I have been doing my best and studying the materials that I think are on the test.
On another note, I have been observing my mail as I frequently don't get mail and lately it seems like everyday I seem to be getting an invitation of some sort all relating to babies or weddings or wedding festivities. I suppose I shouldn't really be all that shocked as we are approaching "that age." This is not the only place that I am seeing all this wedding mumbo jumbo I see that almost everyone I know on facebook is getting married as well.
Although that I am in a very committed relationship with the man that I call my mostly companion, and I potentially see marriage in our future...i do not see it happening anytime soon. Some of you might think that we have not been together a long time as I don't see "wedding bells" in the near future, but that is a fallacy. We are going on 3 years together - and we still don't officially live together.
Sometimes I wonder if I am some less terrifying form of a leper or if he is just scared or has no intention of proposing to me. We are both of the "marrying age" yet we aren't in any hurry. However I must make a confession I am in love with the show Say Yes to the Dress. I watch it and fantasize about what that day might be like...
But being the weirdo that I am I have also picked out everything that I like in terms of colors, dresses, flowers, etc. However I am missing one major part - a fiance. Hahaha I find this rather hilarious.
The other thing that always perplexes me is people that get married at really young ages - as I say this it makes me feel like I sound really old. But it is honestly something that confuses me. As I know how much I have changed between the age of 21-25 and then from 25 until now...and I still don't know that I have everything to offer another individual as their "wife." I suppose that some of my questions in relation to this come in terms of financial stability.
I suppose however that it is not really my place to judge those who get married at young ages but I just can't really imagine what all you might have to offer another human when you don't really know yourself. As I say this I can hear the words of my sister echoing in my head (and she said this to me years ago - after her first marriage had come to an end.) "Don't get married until after you turn 30, you really don't know who you are or what you want from life." or something like that (at least the second part) But the don't get married before 30 is it for sure. And as I find myself approaching 30 I think about it and how much I change every year...and how miserable I would be if I had married at young age to someone that I was in a serious relationship with at that time...I would long since be divorced and it would have been messy and awful!! And here I sit, in a life that I quite like and as a person that I quite like and with a person that I truly adore - MY MOSTLY COMPANION. It is a lovely thing. I am in love with my best friend. Hence the reason I call him my mostly companion. He and I are pals - we play, we laugh, we love. He is supportive of my adventures - he is my frequent accomplice. He too has passed the 30 mark and isn't in any hurry. As I write this I wonder if he and I have some sort of unspoken promise and intention to spend the rest of forever with one another we aren't however in any hurry. Now if he doesn't feel this way than I sound like a real boob. SO...for my sake we will say that he does.
But I wonder in young people what necessitates the idea of marriage - is it because their love is really the kind that spans a life time and they are ready to make all the portions of the commitment of marriage that really occur - such as the financial ones. Or is it a whim - maybe that's not the right word, but something different that occurs in young marriage. I wonder how much of an influence things such as social situations (whether or not your friends are getting married, the military, or religion) might have to do with it.
Please do not misunderstand me I do have the desire to get married some day and to my mostly companion, I am just not in any hurry...and when the time comes I believe that since we have been together for quite sometime I believe that it will. I also think that this is going to make it quite the surprise because I have no expectation of when it will happen. I won't say if because I do think that some day it will happen, yes someday my time will come too!! Haha!!
The greatest part about all of this is that sometimes I wonder if my friends who know him and are close with him too all know something that I don't know (or maybe that is my shred of wishful thinking lol) but one of the invitations that we received was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Mostly Companion (not really but again for anonymity's sake we will refer to him as such.) And mind you that this invitation came from one of MY BEST GIRLFRIENDS IN THE WORLD!!! Now this could just be because she is a funny lady, and that is more likely. I do however feel for the person that delivers our mail as it began with just mail in my name, then mail in my daughters name and both our names....and now it has come addressed to myself and my mostly companion one week and the following week it was a addressed to Mr. and Mrs. now back to us as individuals...our mail keeps having question marks all over them. I guess its always fun to keep them guessing!! Hahaha.
Well I must step away to commit to my other domestic duties.
Happy Reading!!
I suppose I feel as though I am lacking creative juices as I have begun my spring term back at school...fun stuff. No seriously though I love school. However I do get a little frustrated on evenings such as this where I am preparing and have been all weekend for a test that I am unclear as to what the test is going to be on. But I have been doing my best and studying the materials that I think are on the test.
On another note, I have been observing my mail as I frequently don't get mail and lately it seems like everyday I seem to be getting an invitation of some sort all relating to babies or weddings or wedding festivities. I suppose I shouldn't really be all that shocked as we are approaching "that age." This is not the only place that I am seeing all this wedding mumbo jumbo I see that almost everyone I know on facebook is getting married as well.
Although that I am in a very committed relationship with the man that I call my mostly companion, and I potentially see marriage in our future...i do not see it happening anytime soon. Some of you might think that we have not been together a long time as I don't see "wedding bells" in the near future, but that is a fallacy. We are going on 3 years together - and we still don't officially live together.
Sometimes I wonder if I am some less terrifying form of a leper or if he is just scared or has no intention of proposing to me. We are both of the "marrying age" yet we aren't in any hurry. However I must make a confession I am in love with the show Say Yes to the Dress. I watch it and fantasize about what that day might be like...
But being the weirdo that I am I have also picked out everything that I like in terms of colors, dresses, flowers, etc. However I am missing one major part - a fiance. Hahaha I find this rather hilarious.
The other thing that always perplexes me is people that get married at really young ages - as I say this it makes me feel like I sound really old. But it is honestly something that confuses me. As I know how much I have changed between the age of 21-25 and then from 25 until now...and I still don't know that I have everything to offer another individual as their "wife." I suppose that some of my questions in relation to this come in terms of financial stability.
I suppose however that it is not really my place to judge those who get married at young ages but I just can't really imagine what all you might have to offer another human when you don't really know yourself. As I say this I can hear the words of my sister echoing in my head (and she said this to me years ago - after her first marriage had come to an end.) "Don't get married until after you turn 30, you really don't know who you are or what you want from life." or something like that (at least the second part) But the don't get married before 30 is it for sure. And as I find myself approaching 30 I think about it and how much I change every year...and how miserable I would be if I had married at young age to someone that I was in a serious relationship with at that time...I would long since be divorced and it would have been messy and awful!! And here I sit, in a life that I quite like and as a person that I quite like and with a person that I truly adore - MY MOSTLY COMPANION. It is a lovely thing. I am in love with my best friend. Hence the reason I call him my mostly companion. He and I are pals - we play, we laugh, we love. He is supportive of my adventures - he is my frequent accomplice. He too has passed the 30 mark and isn't in any hurry. As I write this I wonder if he and I have some sort of unspoken promise and intention to spend the rest of forever with one another we aren't however in any hurry. Now if he doesn't feel this way than I sound like a real boob. SO...for my sake we will say that he does.
But I wonder in young people what necessitates the idea of marriage - is it because their love is really the kind that spans a life time and they are ready to make all the portions of the commitment of marriage that really occur - such as the financial ones. Or is it a whim - maybe that's not the right word, but something different that occurs in young marriage. I wonder how much of an influence things such as social situations (whether or not your friends are getting married, the military, or religion) might have to do with it.
Please do not misunderstand me I do have the desire to get married some day and to my mostly companion, I am just not in any hurry...and when the time comes I believe that since we have been together for quite sometime I believe that it will. I also think that this is going to make it quite the surprise because I have no expectation of when it will happen. I won't say if because I do think that some day it will happen, yes someday my time will come too!! Haha!!
The greatest part about all of this is that sometimes I wonder if my friends who know him and are close with him too all know something that I don't know (or maybe that is my shred of wishful thinking lol) but one of the invitations that we received was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Mostly Companion (not really but again for anonymity's sake we will refer to him as such.) And mind you that this invitation came from one of MY BEST GIRLFRIENDS IN THE WORLD!!! Now this could just be because she is a funny lady, and that is more likely. I do however feel for the person that delivers our mail as it began with just mail in my name, then mail in my daughters name and both our names....and now it has come addressed to myself and my mostly companion one week and the following week it was a addressed to Mr. and Mrs. now back to us as individuals...our mail keeps having question marks all over them. I guess its always fun to keep them guessing!! Hahaha.
Well I must step away to commit to my other domestic duties.
Happy Reading!!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
struggling
So this evening I sit here wishing that I had something very witty and enteraining about or at least interesting to write about...as I am longing to blog. However I don't. I am just lacking creativity at the moment I suppose. It is entirely possible that the never ending rain has begun to seep in through the cracks in me and soak my brain to a useless pile of mush.
On a lighter note and note is the perfect word to describe it...gLee is returning in 2 weeks from tonight. I am not sure if any of you who are reading this have seen gLee (or if there are any of you who actually read my inner ramblings that I call my blog) but this show is so delightful to me!! I could go on forever!! Oh how I love it. However that was not really my intentions of writing this evening.
I was trying to release this "writers" block that I am experiencing if you could even call me a "writer" oh how I do fancy that notion though...Allison a writer!! But thats not really anything of consequence today either..well I suppose with these ramblings nothing this evening is really of consequence. But that is ok!
I guess today is just a day to boop boop boop - get it all out. (boop boop boop was the only noise that I seemed to be able to come up with.) I could possibly be feeling this lack of creativity due to the fact that my Spring term has begun. Although my break was only for a week and a half it was really lovely not that I did much of anything cause I really didn't. I saw my daughter off on vacation (oh how I long to take one of my own), celebrated my birthday I am another step closer to 30 which is gravy...My mostly companion and I cleaned the house, and relished in it...we had a soccer game and wonderfully enough we won!! 5 -0!! Woohoo it was our first game of the session too!! What a way to kick it off!!
Well...I have run out of ramblings. So I think I shall go and warm my feet and relax my brain and have my nightly date with Charlotte Bronte. So good night my friends and strangers!! Much love and warmth to you on this cold wet evening.
Happy Reading!!
On a lighter note and note is the perfect word to describe it...gLee is returning in 2 weeks from tonight. I am not sure if any of you who are reading this have seen gLee (or if there are any of you who actually read my inner ramblings that I call my blog) but this show is so delightful to me!! I could go on forever!! Oh how I love it. However that was not really my intentions of writing this evening.
I was trying to release this "writers" block that I am experiencing if you could even call me a "writer" oh how I do fancy that notion though...Allison a writer!! But thats not really anything of consequence today either..well I suppose with these ramblings nothing this evening is really of consequence. But that is ok!
I guess today is just a day to boop boop boop - get it all out. (boop boop boop was the only noise that I seemed to be able to come up with.) I could possibly be feeling this lack of creativity due to the fact that my Spring term has begun. Although my break was only for a week and a half it was really lovely not that I did much of anything cause I really didn't. I saw my daughter off on vacation (oh how I long to take one of my own), celebrated my birthday I am another step closer to 30 which is gravy...My mostly companion and I cleaned the house, and relished in it...we had a soccer game and wonderfully enough we won!! 5 -0!! Woohoo it was our first game of the session too!! What a way to kick it off!!
Well...I have run out of ramblings. So I think I shall go and warm my feet and relax my brain and have my nightly date with Charlotte Bronte. So good night my friends and strangers!! Much love and warmth to you on this cold wet evening.
Happy Reading!!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
so happy
MY GIRL IS COMING HOME TO ME!!!
It has been 8 days since I saw my munchkin and she is coming home!! I cannot wait to kiss her face!
Happy Reading!
It has been 8 days since I saw my munchkin and she is coming home!! I cannot wait to kiss her face!
Happy Reading!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Climb This Tree
Yesterday afternoon the Widow Bailey (aka my mom) made a strange request that when I came to her house this am I was to bring my computer and my printer...I thought this very odd.
However when I arrived she explained why she had wanted me to bring these things. To my amazement she and my aunt had been discovering our roots.
I was stunned and so excited, I tried to begin a family tree over the summer last year and didn't get very far and kind of forgot to ask my mom for help with relatives names.
They had found a family tree going back 7 generations (my cousin and I - although I am not on it being the 7th) which considering I have a little one we can trace back 8 generations just on my maternal grandfathers side. So I thought that all of this was super cool, but it didnt stop there.
The Widow then started showing me more articles that they had found...all the way to the ship manifest from March 17th 1913 when my Great-Grandfather came in to United States from a ship that landed in Nova Scotia from Liverpool where he had come from Finland where he was born.
I was stunned and amazed, I was moved to tears to see so many things about my family, names I never knew, places that our family was from that I never knew...like North Carolina (I had no idea!) I had known about Missouri, but never North Carolina and Kentucky...CRAZINESS!!
And in retrospect of last night my wanting to be a better family and feeling like I need to take the initative to get the family ball rolling...or start climbing the tree so that I can build the tree house I think this is a wonderful place to start. Especially since the cousin that I ran into last night is one of cousins on my dad's side. My dad passed away when I was a child and since then the eventual demise of the family connections with that side of the family has begun...well the time has come to put a stop to that!
I am simply overcome with emotion as to what has occured in the last two days in terms of family things. First I see a cousin whom I have not seen in Y E A R S...and then I find that my mother has dug through the vast expanses of the internet to find members of family that I only dreamed existed...now ones that I could see the proof. Census' of years gone by documenting family life from when my Grandmother was a 4 year old with Finnish parents and a Finnish Grandmother in Minnesota. Records of days gone by, records of people without whom I would not be here.
I believe that the universe read my blog and heard my thoughts for being a better member of my family and I believe that the door has been opened. Thank you.
Well I must depart for the time being but I leave you with with happy ideas of family, mine, yours and all of ours. Exploring where you come from is a fascinating and enthralling experience and I think you all take...
Happy Reading!
However when I arrived she explained why she had wanted me to bring these things. To my amazement she and my aunt had been discovering our roots.
I was stunned and so excited, I tried to begin a family tree over the summer last year and didn't get very far and kind of forgot to ask my mom for help with relatives names.
They had found a family tree going back 7 generations (my cousin and I - although I am not on it being the 7th) which considering I have a little one we can trace back 8 generations just on my maternal grandfathers side. So I thought that all of this was super cool, but it didnt stop there.
The Widow then started showing me more articles that they had found...all the way to the ship manifest from March 17th 1913 when my Great-Grandfather came in to United States from a ship that landed in Nova Scotia from Liverpool where he had come from Finland where he was born.
I was stunned and amazed, I was moved to tears to see so many things about my family, names I never knew, places that our family was from that I never knew...like North Carolina (I had no idea!) I had known about Missouri, but never North Carolina and Kentucky...CRAZINESS!!
And in retrospect of last night my wanting to be a better family and feeling like I need to take the initative to get the family ball rolling...or start climbing the tree so that I can build the tree house I think this is a wonderful place to start. Especially since the cousin that I ran into last night is one of cousins on my dad's side. My dad passed away when I was a child and since then the eventual demise of the family connections with that side of the family has begun...well the time has come to put a stop to that!
I am simply overcome with emotion as to what has occured in the last two days in terms of family things. First I see a cousin whom I have not seen in Y E A R S...and then I find that my mother has dug through the vast expanses of the internet to find members of family that I only dreamed existed...now ones that I could see the proof. Census' of years gone by documenting family life from when my Grandmother was a 4 year old with Finnish parents and a Finnish Grandmother in Minnesota. Records of days gone by, records of people without whom I would not be here.
I believe that the universe read my blog and heard my thoughts for being a better member of my family and I believe that the door has been opened. Thank you.
Well I must depart for the time being but I leave you with with happy ideas of family, mine, yours and all of ours. Exploring where you come from is a fascinating and enthralling experience and I think you all take...
Happy Reading!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
a surprise encounter
So tonight I had a surprise encounter. I ran into one of my cousins. And this doesnt sound as though it should be so surprising...
but it is.
And I'll tell you why, with this confession I admit a sad reality, that we are not as good a family as we should be. Please don't misunderstand me, we do nothing to hurt one another, we do not speak ill of eachother, the issue really is that we simply do NOTHING. We are friends on facebook, but that means nothing as I believe that on facebook I am a fan of my friends cat...we might even be friends.
It occured to me this evening that the last time I saw this particular cousin of mine was at a funeral, and the time before was a funeral and the time before that was at a funeral. SAD. It was truly sad to me that we really behave like a family when people die. And when I evaluating this epiphany of behaving as a family only when people die, it occured to me well we all are getting older and well thats the reason that we don't see one another, I had to ask myself isn't that exactly why we should spend time with our families, because they are growing and always adding new members.
The funeral that I saw my cousin at last, was when my daughter was first born...she is 9 years old now. Too me this is INSANE.
I know that many of us out there, say to ourselves "well they don't make the effort so why should I?" but does it ever occur to us that they might be saying the very same thing...
I guess that since this is my year of change this is something that I need to make the effort to do differently...to be a better more active member of my family. I hope that I will see this cousin of mine as well as others, aunts, uncles, everyone, prior to a funeral. Love should be what ties our families together not death.
Happy Reading!
but it is.
And I'll tell you why, with this confession I admit a sad reality, that we are not as good a family as we should be. Please don't misunderstand me, we do nothing to hurt one another, we do not speak ill of eachother, the issue really is that we simply do NOTHING. We are friends on facebook, but that means nothing as I believe that on facebook I am a fan of my friends cat...we might even be friends.
It occured to me this evening that the last time I saw this particular cousin of mine was at a funeral, and the time before was a funeral and the time before that was at a funeral. SAD. It was truly sad to me that we really behave like a family when people die. And when I evaluating this epiphany of behaving as a family only when people die, it occured to me well we all are getting older and well thats the reason that we don't see one another, I had to ask myself isn't that exactly why we should spend time with our families, because they are growing and always adding new members.
The funeral that I saw my cousin at last, was when my daughter was first born...she is 9 years old now. Too me this is INSANE.
I know that many of us out there, say to ourselves "well they don't make the effort so why should I?" but does it ever occur to us that they might be saying the very same thing...
I guess that since this is my year of change this is something that I need to make the effort to do differently...to be a better more active member of my family. I hope that I will see this cousin of mine as well as others, aunts, uncles, everyone, prior to a funeral. Love should be what ties our families together not death.
Happy Reading!
this could get ugly...
ok well maybe not ugly.
but I believe that I might be enjoying this blogging business a little too much. it is however only the first day and i guess contrary to popular belief (or my belief I actually have stuff to say not that it is really of any importance cause its not...I just wanna share.)
So yesterday as my fellow Portlandites (I like it better than Portlanders) know it was a beautiful day!! I spent my day having a picnic in the park with the man I like to call my mostly companion (for those of you who have read Eloise - it makes sense.) We had a lovely time at Col. Summers Park...as I write this I almost called this KFC park as I totally thought it was Col. Sanders park. Hahaha I really enjoy that KFC park. Well anyways back to the point. So we were sitting in the park watching the people around us. And I couldn't help but observe how much I love to people watch...especially on sunny days in Portland. Portland has LOTS of characters, and being as it is a rather small town the chances of you seeing them again in a different situation are very good. But I was amazed by all the different people that the sun brings out, as though the city is really a city of hermits unless there is sun which I am still convinced that in Oregon is a government contrived invention that they pull out just to make sure that we are all still living. Like some sort of Truman Show. Call me crazy, okay, but seriously the lack of sun is something to be concerned about and why I still live here is BEYOND me.
As our day progressed, we made our way to Swirl on Hawthorne and if you have not tried it yet you should. Its GREAT! They have wonderful yogurt, and you get to pick your kind or kinds...and they you yes you get to add your own toppings, and there is everything from cereal, candy, fresh fruit, toppings of the liquid kind. Well needless to say its all very delicious and I suggest that you try it, and you create your masterpiece and then you pay by the weight. After creating our tasty treats my mostly compainion and I took our usual spots by the window facing hawthorne. And what a treat for the mouth and the eyes. As we were sitting there we there we watched the city stroll on by. What a feast for the eyes - so many different flavors of individuals. As I sat and watched the people walk on by, I love to imagine what their stories might by, what movie characters or book characters or anything that they remind me of. And please as you read this do not take this wrong way, as I am not a mean person, and I do not look at people with a mean eye - I certainly hope that people look at me with a creative eye. I find people interesting I guess is what I am trying to say and I love to watch them. Not in a stalkerish sort of way, but just a curious way. I love to see all the different ways that people dress, their hair. The way they hold themselves or eachother, their body language, everything about them.
As the day progessed and we went about the day I was noticing how when the sun comes out you truly see how pedestrian friendly and accessable our city really is. People were walking or riding their bicycles EVERYWHERE! Its really great. We are very lucky.
Ok well thats enough rambling...
Portland is truly a special place when the sun comes out.
Happy reading!
but I believe that I might be enjoying this blogging business a little too much. it is however only the first day and i guess contrary to popular belief (or my belief I actually have stuff to say not that it is really of any importance cause its not...I just wanna share.)
So yesterday as my fellow Portlandites (I like it better than Portlanders) know it was a beautiful day!! I spent my day having a picnic in the park with the man I like to call my mostly companion (for those of you who have read Eloise - it makes sense.) We had a lovely time at Col. Summers Park...as I write this I almost called this KFC park as I totally thought it was Col. Sanders park. Hahaha I really enjoy that KFC park. Well anyways back to the point. So we were sitting in the park watching the people around us. And I couldn't help but observe how much I love to people watch...especially on sunny days in Portland. Portland has LOTS of characters, and being as it is a rather small town the chances of you seeing them again in a different situation are very good. But I was amazed by all the different people that the sun brings out, as though the city is really a city of hermits unless there is sun which I am still convinced that in Oregon is a government contrived invention that they pull out just to make sure that we are all still living. Like some sort of Truman Show. Call me crazy, okay, but seriously the lack of sun is something to be concerned about and why I still live here is BEYOND me.
As our day progressed, we made our way to Swirl on Hawthorne and if you have not tried it yet you should. Its GREAT! They have wonderful yogurt, and you get to pick your kind or kinds...and they you yes you get to add your own toppings, and there is everything from cereal, candy, fresh fruit, toppings of the liquid kind. Well needless to say its all very delicious and I suggest that you try it, and you create your masterpiece and then you pay by the weight. After creating our tasty treats my mostly compainion and I took our usual spots by the window facing hawthorne. And what a treat for the mouth and the eyes. As we were sitting there we there we watched the city stroll on by. What a feast for the eyes - so many different flavors of individuals. As I sat and watched the people walk on by, I love to imagine what their stories might by, what movie characters or book characters or anything that they remind me of. And please as you read this do not take this wrong way, as I am not a mean person, and I do not look at people with a mean eye - I certainly hope that people look at me with a creative eye. I find people interesting I guess is what I am trying to say and I love to watch them. Not in a stalkerish sort of way, but just a curious way. I love to see all the different ways that people dress, their hair. The way they hold themselves or eachother, their body language, everything about them.
As the day progessed and we went about the day I was noticing how when the sun comes out you truly see how pedestrian friendly and accessable our city really is. People were walking or riding their bicycles EVERYWHERE! Its really great. We are very lucky.
Ok well thats enough rambling...
Portland is truly a special place when the sun comes out.
Happy reading!
Kid Speak
Those of you who know me...know that I have a penchant for babies and small children especially those of the chubbier persuasion.
So much so that I have a song about them...and have dreams of making a parade of them while they sing said song and bang on pots and pans.
Explain it I cannot.
But I LOVE CHUBBY BABIES!!
I am very fascinated by the way children speak as well. The way that they interpret language is a very special thing. Since I am a single mom I spend lots of times with my little one. I also get to spend time with my other favorite little people, my niece and nephew. Together the three of them are the most amazing group of little people, in fact I wish that I was able to video tape their conversations because they are so fascinating.
A few months ago we were all eating pizza together and I heard the greatest conversation EVER. It began with my nephew who is about to turn 5 asking my daughter who is 9 what Candian Bacon was (as it was on our pizza) she simply turned to him and explain very matter of factly "Bacon, from Canada" as if we all should know what "Canadian Bacon" was. And he simply replied "Oh, ok." and that was all the explaination that he needed. However she went on to explain where Canada was as she was using a placemat map of the world...and how Canada was really further away than we thought because the world is round.
I LOVE IT!
My nephew also uses "shut off" instead of "shut up" which I myself have adopted how perfect...someone is driving you nuts...SHUT OFF. It speaks so truly to what it is that you want them to do.
Kids...so creative and straight to the point. I wish that the language that we used as adults adopted this philosophy of just say it, say what you really feel, what you really mean. As I find the truth to be less harmful than beating around the bush.
Happy Reading!
So much so that I have a song about them...and have dreams of making a parade of them while they sing said song and bang on pots and pans.
Explain it I cannot.
But I LOVE CHUBBY BABIES!!
I am very fascinated by the way children speak as well. The way that they interpret language is a very special thing. Since I am a single mom I spend lots of times with my little one. I also get to spend time with my other favorite little people, my niece and nephew. Together the three of them are the most amazing group of little people, in fact I wish that I was able to video tape their conversations because they are so fascinating.
A few months ago we were all eating pizza together and I heard the greatest conversation EVER. It began with my nephew who is about to turn 5 asking my daughter who is 9 what Candian Bacon was (as it was on our pizza) she simply turned to him and explain very matter of factly "Bacon, from Canada" as if we all should know what "Canadian Bacon" was. And he simply replied "Oh, ok." and that was all the explaination that he needed. However she went on to explain where Canada was as she was using a placemat map of the world...and how Canada was really further away than we thought because the world is round.
I LOVE IT!
My nephew also uses "shut off" instead of "shut up" which I myself have adopted how perfect...someone is driving you nuts...SHUT OFF. It speaks so truly to what it is that you want them to do.
Kids...so creative and straight to the point. I wish that the language that we used as adults adopted this philosophy of just say it, say what you really feel, what you really mean. As I find the truth to be less harmful than beating around the bush.
Happy Reading!
A New Beginning
So here goes nothing....
As my birthday has come and gone I have decided that this year...at this age I would attempt new ventures in my life that some are yet to be determined...
And some you see here before you. I thought that I would give this "blogging" business a try. Although I am not sure if I will have anything of value to say or if anyone will find my thought processes of any value, maybe they will provide you with nothing more than a little entertainment value, all of which is fine by me. Needless to say I don't find myself to be terribly interesting, but one of my friends has convinced me that I am and she'd like to read my thoughts. So ok! I'll give it a whirl.
I suppose now I ought to introduce myself (although most of you or all of you who read this will already know me and my story) however on the off chance that you don't know. I'm a mom. That is the majority of what I am. I find being a parent VERY interesting, my little one is 9 and it has been just us from pretty much day one. I adore her. She is an amazing little person - who surprises me daily!
I also am a full time student, last year I decided to head back to school as I encountered a series of unfortunate events that have allowed me to change my life and career. God I hope it all works out.
ok...well I am out of things to say about myself as some form of an introduction so I shall return with far better things to say.
Happy Reading!
As my birthday has come and gone I have decided that this year...at this age I would attempt new ventures in my life that some are yet to be determined...
And some you see here before you. I thought that I would give this "blogging" business a try. Although I am not sure if I will have anything of value to say or if anyone will find my thought processes of any value, maybe they will provide you with nothing more than a little entertainment value, all of which is fine by me. Needless to say I don't find myself to be terribly interesting, but one of my friends has convinced me that I am and she'd like to read my thoughts. So ok! I'll give it a whirl.
I suppose now I ought to introduce myself (although most of you or all of you who read this will already know me and my story) however on the off chance that you don't know. I'm a mom. That is the majority of what I am. I find being a parent VERY interesting, my little one is 9 and it has been just us from pretty much day one. I adore her. She is an amazing little person - who surprises me daily!
I also am a full time student, last year I decided to head back to school as I encountered a series of unfortunate events that have allowed me to change my life and career. God I hope it all works out.
ok...well I am out of things to say about myself as some form of an introduction so I shall return with far better things to say.
Happy Reading!
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