A different kind of writing

So normally when i sit here and write I write from a place of happiness...
however tonight is a different story.

Although I am surrounded by my favorite little people, I sit here and I feel like I am failing.  As if in life I have bitten off more than I can chew.  I want to cry - however I do not want to cry in front of my daughter and my niece and nephew.  But I feel like I am failing at life.

As I sit here and I contemplate the path that I have chosen in life, I wonder if I can do it.  I feel like I am too stupid to be taking on this journey.  And it breaks my heart.  I work so hard.  Prior to going back to school I had applied for hundreds probably thousands of jobs without so much as a call back.  I feel unwanted and like failure, that I am not to succeed in life.  I had thought that I had found my way years ago but it wasn't quite the place for me and things happened that led me away from it.  And I suppose it is for the better.  And now on this new journey, I have applied for scholarships and am not considered for them.  I guess I just don't fit the bill or have the right things to say that will make them consider me. 

I feel very alone in this world and frequently as if I have no one on my side.  And like I have a place I am trying to get to, but I am lost along the way.  I feel like a failure at life.  There are people in my life, who seem to have things handed to them and walk away unscathed and then here I am and I work my ass off  and I feel like I can never catch a break.  Maybe I am doing something wrong - but would please someone show me the way.

At school I work so hard, i study so hard and then I struggle.  It breaks my spirit I walk around and I feel stupid and like a failure all the time.

It is the same thing with my body...I work out so hard, i have begun running, i play soccer, I quit drinking and going out, and I cannot lose weight and i have friends who work out as well and they are losing all the weight that they want to.  It is if i am destined to be chubby forever.  I keep trying to convince myself not to worry about my outward appearance and be proud of the things that I am accomplishing athletically - I have recently become a "runner" or tried to anyway - I ran my first 5k in March and an 8k last weekend and I am preparing for another 5k at the beginning of may and hopefully a 10k at the end of may.  Yet when I get the photos back I still look like the chubby girl who is trying to be a 'runner."

Maybe I am simply being to hard on myself...but I really feel like I am failing at life.   At this point I sit here and contemplate my path...maybe I am simply not on the right on.  I feel like I am falling apart.  I feel very alone, and I am wishing that I had someone here to pick up the pieces and put them together the right way.  At this moment I am feeling as though I need a vacation from my life.  I want to run away and start all over.  (Take my little one of course...shes my world.)  But none the less start over in a new town with new faces.  And maybe its as simple as making a change with how I look - I feel frumpy and unattractive but considering that I have no money I cannot get my hair done or buy new clothes - I am stuck looking like this.  And I HATE IT.  I have never in my life felt beautiful but the further that I embark on this journey of the great unknown - the worse I seem to feel about my outward appearance.

I can only hope that this frustration and feelings of defeat and failure dissipate and I do become all the things that dream of becoming not all of the things that I feel like I am.