21 part deux

20 birthdays had come and gone...
today is one more since you have been gone...
some days they make me smile and reflect.
missing you always.

this year seems to encompass me in quiet reflection.
i watched the days on the calendar tick by.
knowing that it would land upon today.
each day filled my heart with a little more heaviness and a little more dread.
why...
i don't know.

it is like the ocean.
some days it merely laps at my feet.
covering my toes.
to my ankles.
some days it sucks me under
leaving me grasping for air.
for the strength to battle the waves.
today is one of those days.

for many years i tucked it all away and went about my business.
in the past few years
i took path that happened to open all the wounds again
to make them fresh.
i have not yet learned how to close them up again.
it will come in time.
this i know.
they of course will never be the same as they once were.
but that is the way that life and loss go.

it seems as though a lifetime of birthdays have passed since you were.
yours, mine, all of ours.
the people we have become.
the person you would have been.

happy birthday dad.
from my heart to yours...

21

today marks the anniversary of the day that changed my life.
it shaped me
molded me
broke me
built me

it was the day my father left this earth.
i was nothing more than a child.
as i look at my own child 
it seems almost unfathomable
to be able to guide her
to imagine her reeling from the grief that encompassed me.
i felt lost.

twenty-one years have passed since that day
yet i remember it so very well.
each year marks a different set of feelings
different reflections.

i reflect upon the nature of my family
the way in which we changed
shifted
grew together
grew apart

my sisters and i are now adults
with our own lives
our own families
our own children.
his grandchildren that he will never know.
i see glimmers of him in each of them
a mischievous glimmer in the eye
the resemblance in their faces
the joy in their laughter.
he would love them.
he would cherish them.
at least that is what i imagine.

i wish that he could see the people that we have become
our successes
our failures
our triumphs

i wish that i could remember the sound of his laugh
i wish that i could remember the way that he smelled
i do however remember our family
the way that it felt
sometimes it feels so far away
as though he was the tie that bound us all together

where do we go when we lose the things that seem impenetrable
i have spoken about my experience with others
i have reflected upon it time and time again
yet twenty-one years later i have no answers

it ebbs and flows like the ocean
some days it laps at my toes
other days it seems to pull me under

it does not get easier with time
it shifts and changes like a landscape carved by the wind
sometimes the wind wraps me up in a blanket of warmth
some days it chills me to my bones with no reprieve

i am left with memories
and that will carry me through
each day is a new experience 
and another day without him
and some will be easy
some will be hard
and that is life.
that is life with loss.
it is never gone
it is always there
sometimes it shows its face
sometimes it hides in the shadows 

i miss you dad
i missed you yesterday
i miss you today 
and i will miss you tomorrow.

i love you. 

another year older...but am i any wiser...

yes.
yes.
and yes.

absolutely.
i have learned so much in the past year about myself, my loves, my life, my friendships...everything.

so far i have liked my 30's. 
i have watched my friends get married.
have children.
find their professional paths.
its been great.

i too have embarked on a tremendous journey.
i am learning to live like the ocean.
to move with the moon.
to breathe.
to swell.
to retreat.
to sustain.
to support.
to be.
like the ocean i move with the moon.
what a thrill to be one with the world.

i am happy.
i am really truly happy.
my heart sings with joy.
the music from my soul beckons more light and love.
please fill me.
as the notes flow from my breath, 
i feel them take their place among my veins. 
i feel them begin their crescendo
i feel them descend into their adagio
life is dolce.

as i start my newest journey around the sun share with me your music.
your light.
your love.
i know not what this trip shall hold.
i am sure that there will be rough patches just as the storms swell above the seas
i am sure that there will be smooth sailing just as the laughter echos from children in summer.
but they will be mine
they will mold and shape me as the wind shapes the coast line
i will awaken at times bruised and battered by the storm
yet my strength will break away the clouds
the sunlight will echo from the chambers of my soul
burst free
release me
inspire me
help me transcend to a new place.

i look toward the sun on this beautiful evening
breathe in its beauty
soak it in through my skin
prepare to take this leap
to journey around the sun yet again.
may this year be filled with blessings for us all.
thank you for sharing this trip around the sun with me.

happy reading!

another year has come and gone...where do we go from here.

as i sit here are write these words i am aware that i should be doing other things...
like cleaning up the holiday's that have exploded all over my home.

but the words that flow from my finger tips tell me i must take a brief brake.

i sit here in reflection of the year that has past and the year to come...

2013 was an outstanding year...
it was a big year.

i graduated from college with degree that i love and believe wholeheartedly in...
i did so on father's day.
a day that left me rubbed so raw from the emotions that were overflowing from me.
the joy.
the gratefulness of the man that raised me and stood by my side and still does...
and from the loss of my father... a man lost so many years ago.

i attended weddings.
watched my friends change and grow.
fall in love with their lives in a new and different way.
there were announcements of children to come.
i have fallen away from friends as the leaves fall from the tree and the seasons change
they are always with me and i with them - i thank them for the lessons and the love, as they will always be a thread of the fabric that is me.
i have lost lives...
the one most recently caused a a revelation in my soul...
she was a beacon of light...
although our nights have grown darker
the sky has grown brighter with the light of a new star, there she will watch from the boundless universe, lighting our paths and bathing us in the warmth of her life and love...
this loss...
broke my heart...
but made me so grateful for the women in my life...
she was one of my mothers "women" 
they had been friends for 45 years...
sorority sisters.
they are a pack.
she had been the first of the "women" to pass.
these "women" lifted my mother up when my father passed away.
they saw weddings - their own and their children's...
they saw births - their children and their children's children...
they saw deaths - of husbands, of parents...
they saw birthdays...
they saw holidays...
these are my mothers "women"
this loss made me ever more grateful for my "women"
the women i adventure with...
cry with...
laugh with...
i reflected upon my women - these women have been mine since childhood, some high school, some college, some from adulthood...
but they are mine.
they are my women.
this year i vow to cherish my women
with even greater care and love than i ever have - i didn't think that was possible.
i plan to thank them regularly for their companionship.
they are great and powerful women.
all so different...
i am grateful for the way they foster the different facets of me.

i began a new professional adventure.
that at times rips open the wounds of loss in my life...
as i watch the grieving children and their families come and go i get it..
i really do...
sometimes it feels as though i get it too much.

i fell in love with my life all over again.
i took a few steps back into myself and my family...
i fell in love with my mostly companion deeper than i ever dreamed imaginable - after all the years we have been together...
he is me 
i am him
we are us.

i have watched my totter grow and change in ways that i didn't imagine.
she has become a young lady.
a bright shining star in a world frequently shrouded in darkness.
she is my guiding light.
she will change the world.
her laughter is music to my ears.
she is me
i am her
we are us.

as we three head off in to the new year i wonder what the year will hold for us.
i hope of a question of permanence from my mostly companion (not that i am going anywhere)
but a chance to have a celebration of our love with our friends and family. 
a solidification of the three of us...
opening the door for maybe another heart for us to fall in love with...

i am excited for the coming year and the chance to grow.
to spread my wings.
to sow my oats.
to breathe deeply.
to laugh heartily.
to cry passionately.
to learn.
to teach.
to be!!

i am grateful that the universe has granted me the opportunity to get through another year.
cheers to new beginnings for me
and for you.

happy reading!!