the house that built me

this past friday was a hallmark day in my world.
twenty years ago my father passed away...

i was eleven years old.
just a girl.
a child.

that became very lost in the big bad world.
it has been a journey.
not always an easy one...
but i think that i have made my way.

this year we went to the place that holds so many childhood memories for me.
for us.
for our family.
sunriver.

for me it is peace.
it is solace.
it is the place that i hear the laughter of my youth echo through the trees.
i hear them in the laughter of the newest generation of families that come and enjoy.
they are me and i am them.
we are the children.
there we will always be the children.

this is the also the final rest place for my father.
he returned to the earth on the green of the eighteenth hole.
it was his place.
he was a golfer.
he passed away one year from the last time that he played golf...
in fact i was supposed to be in attendance at that tournament that he had played in so many years before...
but that didn't happen.

so...
here he rests.
in a place where the sky goes on forever.
the grass is always green.
freshly mowed.
men come and pay homage to the game...
friendships are solidified.
tested.
laughter.
frustration.
life.
all played out on the course.

to celebrate...
we sneaked out...
in the dark under the stars...
we made our way from where we stayed
to where he rests.
we came to rest among his spirit...
with great laughter (the only way that he would have it)
we popped a bottle of champagne...
we drank.
we laughed.
we stared at the stars.
relished in his memory.

today as we made our way home...
i heard a song that reminded me so much of the way i feel...
"the house that built me."
as we came home from the place that built me i couldn't help but be wrapped up in the beautiful words.
sunriver was always a home to me.
it was a place we went every summer.
every summer since i was born...

so after twenty years... this is what i know... (thank you miranda lambert for knowing too.)

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for you
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
 

tears...

today i have nothing witty...

nothing exciting...

just something so very true.

a simple thank you to the keepers of the tears.

you know who you are.

a release for the criers of the tears.

a statement of strength to those who see the tears as anything else.

a testament to those who have cried the tears.

"there is a sacredness in tears.

they are not the mark of weakness, but of power.

they speak more eloquently then ten thousand tongues.

they are the messengers of overwhelming grief,

of deep contrition,

and of unspeakable love."

happy reading.

Out of the darkness comes light...

in light of the events of yesterday,
again as a human population we are left in state of stunned disbelief and reflection.
how?
why?

i am not sure which part of all of it impacts me more...
is it because i run.
is it because i know people who were running yesterday.
is it because i work in grief (well my internship anyway)
is it because i am a parent...
that i do not know.

today i stood before a group of young people.
highschoolers.
these children are our future.
the choices that we make will impact them forever.
the choice that they make will impact them forever.
i stood and spoke as a representative for an organization that i believe in wholeheartedly.
i represented the dougy center.
they are the home for grieving children.
i spoke of their past.
i spoke of my past.
how apropos.
in the wake of a tragedy.
i am here to speak of death.
but i am the light at the end of the tunnel.
we are the light at the end of the tunnel.

i look at the world around me and it makes me want to weep.
it makes me want to laugh.
it makes me want to sing.
it makes me want to dance.

so how can we make the world a more beautiful place 
for ourselves
for our children
for their children
and their children...

we can look inside ourselves to find the beauty we possess.
what beauty can you bring to world in world so full of ugly.
bring your heart.
bring your laughter.
bring your tears
bring your innocence.
bring your wisdom.
bring yourself.

yesterday we filled the social media world with tears and heartbreak for the tragedy in Boston.
today we filled the world with messages of positivity.
i took the time to watch this video made by dove...
it brought tears to my eyes.
because in world so full of ugly we are our own worst critics.
we see not the beauty that we radiate
however that isn't always what others see.
we see the freckles.
we see the wrinkles.
we see the age.
we see not the light in our eyes.
we see not the way our smile enters the heart of others.
we see not the way our laughter breaks apart the darkness in ones day.
we know not what others see in us.

so maybe if we could just take a moment to see the us someone else sees...
we can bring a little more beauty back in to the world.

this might not do for you what it did for me...
but i think it is worth a watch.
so as we enter into a world of ugly things...
please remember the beauty that others see in you.

this is not the shallow beauty i speak of...
so please do not mistake this for something of that sort.
i speak of the beautiful energy that radiates from within.
the way that when you walk in to a room you light up a room.
beauty is not in the clothes you wear.
beauty is not in the makeup you put on your face
beauty is not in the way you do your hair.
beauty IS in the way you laugh
beauty IS in the way you lift the spirits of a friend or a stranger in a few words
beauty IS in the way you know how to bring someone to tears with your laughter
beauty IS in the way you hug your friends, hug strangers in a time of need
beauty IS in YOU.

i send my prayers
my love
my thoughts
my positive energy
and my beauty to Boston.

Happy Reading

taper week.

in my life we speak lots about tapering.
if you don't know i work in a local running store.
when you run and you train right before you race a long race.
you have a taper week.

this week i taper.
but i taper in a different way.
for the last few years i have been seeking a degree.

you may or may not know...
you may not have but you might have figured it out...
i was a teen mom.
i had my totter at the age of 18.
that doesn't make college easy...
or even possible.
for me it wasn't something that i could do.

but that changed.
i decided that i needed to make a change.
i got some education...
and i got a great job.
it wasn't what i wanted to do forever but it put a roof over our heads
and food on our table.
but i wasn't emotionally happy.
when my professional world came crashing down around me
i decided that it was time for a change.
i started going back to school.
i started with a few classes here and there.
but didn't totally have a direction.

but then i started to find my way.
or maybe my way found me.
i started to blast though my classes.
then i graduated from pcc.
i had the beginnings of a degree.
i had an associates degree.
my daughter was proud of me.
i was proud of me.

i finally felt like my words to my totter about following her dreams were valid.
what good is it to tell someone to follow their dreams if you aren't following yours.

that is what i have done.
i enrolled at portland state...
i thought that i wanted to be a physical therapist at the beginning.
but somewhere along the way
i found my calling.
or it found me.
i am a community health educator.
almost.
that is why i am in my taper.
i am wrapping up my second to last term of my undergraduate degree.

i am about to go out in the world and make change.
make it better for my child and for her friends.
for her community.
for my community.
for our community.

i cannot wait.
i have worked hard.
i have learned so much.

i am forever grateful for the outpouring of love and support i have been given.
wow.
i am forever indebted.
i do not know that i am worthy.
but i do know that i wouldn't have been able to do this all alone.
my friends.
my family.
my totter.
my mostly companion.
your patience and your encouragement means more than you know.

i promise to go out into the world and make change.
i promise to make you all proud.

out of all of the things i have learned
the most valuable.
i am worth it.
i am worth the learning.
i am worth the effort.
i am worth the passion.
i am worth the time.
i am worth the money.

and i will make a difference.
watch out world...
you have three months left to prepare
because i am coming.

cheers!

happy reading!