there are no words

today.
my heart breaks.

in light of the recent events that have happened i am at a loss for words.
as for myself and for all of the parents in my life and for all of those out there,
my child is my world.

i do not have the answers to stop these unthinkable tragedies.
i know that what my heart as a parent and as an active member of my community
i can only continue to try and make a difference in the lives of the children in my community.

i however have had the blessed opportunity
and cannot wait to continue this opportunity
to volunteer.
to share in the lives of other children in my community.

i do not know if gun control is the answer.
i do not know that it can be.
i know that education
can and will foster change.
and i do not mean just the education that we find in books and lessons.
i mean the education that we give one another.
in the uplifiting of souls
the fostering of dreams
the listening that we can offer
the love that we can give.

i am only one woman.
but if i can help just one child see the beauty within them.
so can you.

i in my life have lost.
i lost a parent.
i was a child.
not to violent tragedy.
but it is a loss none the less.
and i was a lucky child to be able to process my grief.
the dougy center
it saved my life.
i hope that the children who lived through this day.
this heartbreak
are offered these same resources

so as adults
please care for all the children in your community
they need you.
we need you.
as communities
we must band together
we all live in small communities of our own
we are all also a part of a larger community
we are a nation
rise up.
band together.
for the sake of our children.

what can we do.
how can we help.
how can we facilitate the change
for a safer
better life for our children
for their children
for ourselves.

we watch these things unfold before our eyes.
we render ourselves helpless
we are left without words
without answers.
i want nothing more than to rescue all of the children of the world
to keep them safe from harm.
i cannot solve all the worlds problems
all that i can come up with is
love.
love the children in your community
cherish the things that
make them special
make them unusal
make them sparkle
make them shine
they are all special creatures
and we know not what they live through in their own worlds
so in the places that we come into contact with their worlds
be kind.
be understanding.
each child has the right to be loved.
and be cherished.

i too as all parents will tonight
hug my daughter a little tighter
kiss her face a few more times
listen even harder.

i know not if gun control can change these tragedies
or if we as a community can change them
i hope that we as a community can rally together and do what we can to ensure that things of this nature do not occur.
that no more lives are to be lost

my heart aches
my eyes cry

i want to find answers
i want to find reasons
i cannot.
nor can you.

all we can do is unravel ourselves a little bit more from the threads that entangle our everyday lives
open our hearts and our minds
open up our schedules to spend a little extra time with the children in our communities
so that we can make a difference in just one childs life.
so that we can pick one child up
help raise them up to the heights in which they dream.
so that we know that there is one more child who knows they are loved beyond any measure.

Thankful...

oh the things we have to say...
this month i have watched or read many folks talk about the things that they are thankful for in this month of november.

i thought some about it and decided that to remind myself to type something each day was a little unrealistic.

so i thought i would take to this venue and let it all go.
all the things i am thankful for.

that's how this whole thing began...
and then the election took place.
not that it was a surprise.
but my oh my the things people say in this time.
i was baffled.
blown away.
shocked.
dismayed.
appalled.
hurt.
saddened.
disgusted.
i just could not believe the things that people would say.

i cannot understand.
i will never understand why people opt to be so cruel.
sure.
you might not agree with a particular candidate and that is fine.
that is actually part of what makes the election thing so great.
we have the choice.
we have the right to choose.
and for that i am thankful.
there however is no reason to treat the people that don't agree with you like they are less than you.
like they are less deserving of equality.
you know not where people come from.
it is not your place to dehumanize them.
they are a person just like you.
and frankly if they are not worthy of equality neither are you.

as i sit back and i look at the people in my life or the people that i encounter throughout my days.
i look at them as a piece of thread.
a different color
a different length
a different texture
just different.
and when we are all woven together to make the tapestry of humanity
we make the most beautiful one
alone we are all just a piece of string.
you are no better than the next.
i am no better than you
and you are no better than me.
and that is something that i am thankful for.

i am thankful that i am me
i am thankful for where i come from
i am thankful for where i am going
i am thankful for what i have been through
i am thankful for my laughter
i am thankful for your laughter that i give to you
i am thankful for the rain
i am thankful for the sun
i am thankful for my brain
i am thankful for my soul
i am thankful for the sound of my daughter sleeping
i am thankful for the waves crashing against the shore
i am thankful for the sand between my toes
i am thankful for community
i am thankful that i am part of a community
i am thankful for the bountiful feast that is set before me
i am thankful for the honor of being a coach
i am thankful for the honor of being a mentor
i am thankful for my right to choose
i am thankful for being different
i am thankful that my mostly companion is different than i am
i am thankful for the simple things in life
i am thankful that i am alive
i am thankful that i was raised the way i was
i am thankful for patience
i am thankful for acceptance (i wish there were a lot more of this these days)
i am thankful for kindness
i am thankful for simplicity
i am thankful for clean drinking water
i am thankful that i have the ability to be the change i wish to see in the world
i am thankful that people can fight for what the believe without demeaning others
i am thankful that i have travelled
i am thankful that i will continue to travel
i am thankful for my body, it's not perfect but it works and it's mine
i am thankful that i have had the privilege of falling in love
i am thankful that i have the privilege of being in love
i am thankful that i am mother
i am thankful for the beautiful creature that is my daughter
i am thankful for her laughter
i am thankful for smile
i am thankful for the roof over my head
i am thankful for faith
i am thankful that we all have the freedom to believe in something
i am thankful for the music that moves me
i am thankful for the music that flows through my veins
i am thankful for you
i am thankful for me
i am thankful for books
i am thankful that i fall into bed each night and sleep encompasses me
i am thankful for my education
i am thankful for the people i call my friends
i am thankful for life...

this list could go on.
and on
and on.

but i'll save you time.
it just goes to show that regardless of what i believe and what you believe
what your political agenda is
or mine
i am the same as you
you are the same as me
we have many things in common...
many are different
but many are the same.
people do not deserve unkind words based on what they believe.
our differences make us special.
our similarities do too.
so do everyone a favor and remember that at the end of the day we are all human.
and saying unkind and demeaning things just because you believe differently
hurts
offends
saddens
disgusts
breaks
dismantles

it does no good.
it does harm.
your laughter can be someone elses tears.

have your opinions.
keep them.
speak them.
but learn tact.
learn grace.
learn to be appropriate.

an election is not a reason to slam people.
an election should be used for positivity.
it should be used for you to fight for what you believe
it is one thing to speak up about the things you disagree with
it is important to have a voice
it is important to make your voice heard.
but do so in a way that makes a point
facilitates change
not in a way that is offensive
do not attack others
they have done nothing to warrant your words.
you know not who you hurt.
you know not who you offend.
you know not the damage you do.

speak your piece.
speak your mind.
but do so mindfully
otherwise it's simply unkind.

be good to one another.
cause frankly
we're all we've got.
want to save humanity.
be humanity.
be present and be active.
but do so with your heart and mind open and thoughtful
be considerate.
be thankful
be appreciative
and be accepting that we are all different and that is what makes us special.
because at the end of the day...
you are not perfect.
i am not perfect
you are flawed
i am flawed.
we all are.
and it's ok.

i guess there is nothing more i can say.
i have exhausted my words
i have exhausted my hands.
but i could not let this go unsaid.
as my heart was saddened.
my stomach sickened
my soul was disappointed

remember it does you no good to be mean.

with that i leave you.

happy reading.

Grace Redefined

wow.
it has been a long time since i have taken to my blog,
but
there are things that have happened as of late that have affected my heart in such a way that i must write.

as a mother this made this whole experience, that much more difficult.
although i am nothing more than an outsider
it doesn't change the impact that it had on me.

a young woman that i used to dance with growing up has grown up and started a family of her own.
they are a beautiful family
and i admire them and their GRACE and strength.

4 months ago they brought a beautiful daughter into this world.
and oh is she gorgeous.
i want to love her and squeeze her.
but that is not what this is completely about.
their daughter was born with a bevy of health issues
and i have had the privilege, although it has been a heartbreaking one, to follow their journey.

their daughter who i will not name, nor will i name them to respect their privacy, has struggled.
she has fought a brave fight.
my heart aches for them.
throughout this journey they written in the most eloquent manner,
with hope and faith and unyielding love for one another.
i have been so honored to see the people that have come forth and offer their prayers, love and positive wishes.
personally...
i have never prayed so hard for tiny miracles.
and although her precious battle for life has come to a close.
i think that she and what she has taught those around her is the miracle itself.

we as parents think about the things that we don't want our children to do or want them to do.
we want them to use good manners.
wash their hands.
be polite.
not to talk back.
to clean their rooms.
and the list can go on.
but for most of us we don't think of those things in terms of the big picture in that we want them to
LIVE
to
GROW
to
THRIVE
to
SURVIVE
to
NOT STRUGGLE
to
NOT SUFFER.

and that not to say that we don't think about those things on some level.
but most of our everyday thoughts are not of their ultimate survival.

this precious little girl and her big sister as well as her parents did.
they had to.
there was no choice.
it wasn't about whether or not she was going to eat her peas and carrots.
it was about whether or not she was going to make it.

and throughout this her parents shared this journey in the most unassuming fashion.
not asking for anything but prayers.
my heart aches so immensely for them.
yet i cannot help but admire their strength and their love for one another
their faith is awe inspiring.
they are amazing.
they have handled themselves with the grace that we all with that we had in time of heartache.

from all of this i look at my family with new eyes.
i want to love them more carefully
more thoughtfully

i cannot begin to imagine the pain that they are experiencing.
i wish i even had the words to properly express myself as to the admiration i have for their family.
they will forever live in my heart
my prayers
my love
my thoughts
my respect

all i can hope is that they find peace and solace in one another.
that they come together as a family to rise like a phoenix from the ashes.
that they are the rainbow after the rain
that they are the calm after the storm.

all my love.

love looks good on you too...

and i am not talking about simply romantic love.
i am talking about love in general.
to love and to be loved is the greatest human capacity.
with love comes many facets...
forgiveness.
patience.
thoughtfulness.
kindness.
friendship.
they are all facets of love.

as the new year has begun and new adventures have arisen i have found myself growing even more appreciative of the relationships in my life.

each one has gained new meaning.
i feel so blessed by the people who have carved out a place in my soul.
who make me who i am.

i spent an afternoon this weekend.
celebrating the new love of steppy's life...
lil miss aj snuggle.
oh i cannot wait for another heart to love.
especially this one.
but as i sat there in this room...
a room filled with women.
who had nothing but love and well wishes
to share with the mother to be.
she is an amazing woman.
and i am a lucky lucky girl to have had her in my life for so long...
we have been friends since we were kids.
and i am forever grateful for her tremendous capacity to love.

but as i sat there and i watched and soaked up all the love in the room i couldn't help but think to myself.
what lucky folk we are.
to have love that surrounds us.
family.
that label includes my friends
they are my family.
they are the threads of the fabric that blankets my soul and keeps me warm in the darkest coldest hours.

as we go through our journeys in life it is so wonderful to know that there are people that you can always count on.
my wish for this new year is that we invest a little more in each of our loves.
give love.
even on days when love cannot be reciprocated in the moment.
always extend love.
because it will come back to you.

as i go on my journey through life.
i know without a shadow of a doubt that i am loved.
i am love.
i give love.
i get love.
you are love.
you get love.
you give love.

i feel blessed in my life that as far as romantic love goes.
i am in love with my mostly companion.
he is...
well he is my heart.
he knows my heart
he fills my heart.
he guides my heart...
and for those things i will forever be grateful.

other love.
mother love.
oh totter.
i love you.
more than words.

to my mother.
my sisters.
my aunts.
my cousins.
my nieces.
my nephews.
you are all a part of who i am.
i am forever indebted to your strengths
your weaknesses,
your laughter.
your tears
your wisdom
your understanding
your love.

to my women friends.
wow.
your capacity to love amazes me.
your capacity to give amazes me
your hearts are amazing
i cannot ever thank you enough for being who you are.
your motherly love for your children
your romantic love for your significant others
your friendship and support for the women around you.
wow.
we are blessed group of women...and whether we are all connected to one another
or whether we only just know each other.
it is still a special thing and you are all special people.

and to my male friends out there
(ha that sounds so official)
your love for all is probably not as recognized as it should be
but your love for your children
your love for your significant others
your love for your other male friends - your brotherhoods
your love for your mothers
for your fathers
and for the women that you call friends
its all amazing.

so thank you all for being a part of my love.

as we grow older and the lines begin to show upon our faces
think of them as love lines.
they are from the twinkle in your eyes
they are from the smiles on your face
they are from the hugs that you give
they are from the hugs that you receive.
they are love.

love yourself.
love your surroundings
love your life.
love each other.
cause at the end of the day...
that's all we've got.
is love.

so remember when you look in the mirror that love looks good on you.
so give love
receive love
and do so whole heartedly.

happy reading!

A Birthday Wish...

so for those of you who know and for those of you who don't....
i am having a rather momentous birthday in a few months.
i turn 30.
i am excited.

and this year i wanted to celebrate in two ways.
one is prom.
yes real honest to goodness prom.
i know it sounds silly
but i never got the chance to go.
and the next time i will get to be a princess for a day (ha that sounds so silly)
is when i get married...
to my mostly companion.
ha...
still waiting.
not really.
it's not broke...
so we don't need to fix it.

but before we have the fanciful event of the night...
and get all glamorous.
i want to give back.

life hasn't always been easy for me.
but i am a fighter.
i am a warrior.
i am a survivor.
i have been blessed to come out of all of the pain and sorrow.
a very blessed and happy girl.

i am in love with two of the most amazing humans i have ever met...
one in a romantic fashion.
yes, my mostly companion.
and the other...
well there are no words to describe a mothers love.
i am in love with my totter.
she is the best.
(yes i think all of your children are amazingly fabulous too!)

but i want to give back.
the time has come for me celebrate my triumphs and my struggles of the last 30 years with a labor of love.
i have arranged to do a "group build" with habitat for humanity.
we are to spend the morning helping someone else be able to reach for the stars with a tangible foundation.
a place that they can call home.
a place that they can sew their oats.
a place to grow from.

and the reason that i have taken to words tonight is because of the people that i am blessed to call my friends.
WOW.
you are all truly special people.
and i am lucky to be able to hold your hearts as a part of my mine.
i cannot thank you enough for not just the immediate response but for the gusto in which you all have responded.
i cannot think of a better way to ring in the passing of another year of my life.
with a group of special, passionate, amazingly loving people.

it all came from a simple post on fb...
trying to get a general head count so that i can get our "group build" going and all set up.
and instantly..
one
two
three
people responding.
and not just saying sure.
or
i guess.
responding with excitement.
and in reading your replies...
it brought tears to my eyes.

this is why i wanted to do this.
because i am blessed.
life isn't always easy
but when you know you have a group of tremendous people that surround you there is no reason to be selfish.

you all have wonderful gifts and i feel honored that for my birthday you are going to share them with someone else.
someone very deserving of a chance at fresh start and a great beginning.

i hope that if you read this...
and some of you might and some of you will probably never read my blog (and thats ok)
i just think the world of all of you.
i am honored that i have the pleasure of calling you my friends.
you are all such special and good people.
you have all been treasures to me.
you have seen me at my best
you have seen me at my worst.
you have shared in my laughter.
you have shared in my tears.
and now we will share one of my dreams.
so thank you.
thank you
thank you
thank you.
thank you from the bottom of my heart.

so thank you for making my birthday wish come true.
i cannot thank you enough.
i can honestly say that i have the best best best best best friends in the world.
thank you for wanting to help.
thank you for wanting to give back.
you have all just made this birthday the most special and the most memorable.

so often we neglect to give back.
and not because we don't care.
and not because we aren't able.
sometimes its because we cannot find the time.
this time...
it's set.
we have a date.
so friends.
i am sure that i will see you before...
but i will see you at the build.
thank you.
thank you for opening your hearts and your hands.
you are good people.
and you make me a better person for being a part of the fabric of my soul.

thank you again for sharing in my birthday wish.
i love and appreciate you all.