21

today marks the anniversary of the day that changed my life.
it shaped me
molded me
broke me
built me

it was the day my father left this earth.
i was nothing more than a child.
as i look at my own child 
it seems almost unfathomable
to be able to guide her
to imagine her reeling from the grief that encompassed me.
i felt lost.

twenty-one years have passed since that day
yet i remember it so very well.
each year marks a different set of feelings
different reflections.

i reflect upon the nature of my family
the way in which we changed
shifted
grew together
grew apart

my sisters and i are now adults
with our own lives
our own families
our own children.
his grandchildren that he will never know.
i see glimmers of him in each of them
a mischievous glimmer in the eye
the resemblance in their faces
the joy in their laughter.
he would love them.
he would cherish them.
at least that is what i imagine.

i wish that he could see the people that we have become
our successes
our failures
our triumphs

i wish that i could remember the sound of his laugh
i wish that i could remember the way that he smelled
i do however remember our family
the way that it felt
sometimes it feels so far away
as though he was the tie that bound us all together

where do we go when we lose the things that seem impenetrable
i have spoken about my experience with others
i have reflected upon it time and time again
yet twenty-one years later i have no answers

it ebbs and flows like the ocean
some days it laps at my toes
other days it seems to pull me under

it does not get easier with time
it shifts and changes like a landscape carved by the wind
sometimes the wind wraps me up in a blanket of warmth
some days it chills me to my bones with no reprieve

i am left with memories
and that will carry me through
each day is a new experience 
and another day without him
and some will be easy
some will be hard
and that is life.
that is life with loss.
it is never gone
it is always there
sometimes it shows its face
sometimes it hides in the shadows 

i miss you dad
i missed you yesterday
i miss you today 
and i will miss you tomorrow.

i love you.