lost...

i sit here in the denver airport with tears streaming down my face
unsure of where i go next
i do not want to go back to where i have been
yet feel lost and directionless about where to go
all my effort
all my weekends
all my time
blood
sweat 
tears
feel for not

i feel stupid
i feel ashamed
i feel betrayed
i feel

where do you go when you feel lost
where do you turn where there are no clear directions
it is beyond hard for me to keep moving forward 
at this given moment i truly 
don't know how.
those are words that seem foreign yet so familiar
way too familiar 
as of late

my heart aches
my stomach churns

i feel sick
i feel broken
i feel battered
i feel unwanted
i feel

i want to live
i want to feel free
to feel happy
not like this
not like a fool

i have so much i want to say
i want to stand up for myself
i want to be proud of myself
yet i feel small and kicked around

it is true what they say
i am a gentle soul
underneath the punky hair
the big laugh
is someone who simply wants to do good things in the world
i want to make my daughter proud
i want to make a difference

here's to new beginnings
i hope mine comes tomorrow

happy reading

22.

where does one begin when it comes to loss
sometimes the words are easy
sometimes there are no words

this day is a day for true reflection
i reflected this morning on just how many birthdays had passed
last year i said 20...i was wrong. 
last year was 22.
this year it is 23
i promise i am really better at math than that. 

you died just before 50...
in 1993
here we stand in 2015
you would have been 72.
my oh my

i cannot help but think about how much i alone have changed in the 22 years that you have been gone.

i was nothing more than a child
no longer a child
now an adult
with a child of my own

i sit here an attempt to wax poetic
yet i find i have no words to say

i am in a place i do not want to be today
today i want to be in an "us" place
a place where we stood together
a place where i can feel you like the wind
where you encompass me in your spirit as it moves through the trees
where i can feel the sun on my face
the rain on my skin
the tug on my heart

our hearts know not the answers for grief
there is no timeline for healing
there are no words
we find solace in the little things
sadness in them too

i seek answers
i seek reasons
yet i know there are none

who would i be had you not left us all those years ago
where would i be
where would we all be
your loss is in the fabric we are all woven from

as look back at the words that have come before on the days such as this i want to say them all again

they ring as true today as they did last year and the year before
maybe i haven't changed at all
only aged

tears have begun to fall like the Oregon autumn
i know not when they will subside
i cry for you
i cry for me
i cry for us

today i only seek solace
laughter
memories
yet in this life there is little time for reflection
little time to reminisce
no strolls down memory lane
we are far too busy
but today i will take as many moments as i can to remember our adventures

the years are the same for us all
yet the experience so different
for me it has been a lifetime

here's to you sir
i shall raise a glass to you this evening
i shall dance through the living room
our waltz
to our song
i hear it in my heart all the days of my life
thank you
thank you for the memories
thank you for the birthdays 
of yours
of mine
of ours 
that we did get to share

 

Happy Reading

 

21 part deux

20 birthdays had come and gone...
today is one more since you have been gone...
some days they make me smile and reflect.
missing you always.

this year seems to encompass me in quiet reflection.
i watched the days on the calendar tick by.
knowing that it would land upon today.
each day filled my heart with a little more heaviness and a little more dread.
why...
i don't know.

it is like the ocean.
some days it merely laps at my feet.
covering my toes.
to my ankles.
some days it sucks me under
leaving me grasping for air.
for the strength to battle the waves.
today is one of those days.

for many years i tucked it all away and went about my business.
in the past few years
i took path that happened to open all the wounds again
to make them fresh.
i have not yet learned how to close them up again.
it will come in time.
this i know.
they of course will never be the same as they once were.
but that is the way that life and loss go.

it seems as though a lifetime of birthdays have passed since you were.
yours, mine, all of ours.
the people we have become.
the person you would have been.

happy birthday dad.
from my heart to yours...

21

today marks the anniversary of the day that changed my life.
it shaped me
molded me
broke me
built me

it was the day my father left this earth.
i was nothing more than a child.
as i look at my own child 
it seems almost unfathomable
to be able to guide her
to imagine her reeling from the grief that encompassed me.
i felt lost.

twenty-one years have passed since that day
yet i remember it so very well.
each year marks a different set of feelings
different reflections.

i reflect upon the nature of my family
the way in which we changed
shifted
grew together
grew apart

my sisters and i are now adults
with our own lives
our own families
our own children.
his grandchildren that he will never know.
i see glimmers of him in each of them
a mischievous glimmer in the eye
the resemblance in their faces
the joy in their laughter.
he would love them.
he would cherish them.
at least that is what i imagine.

i wish that he could see the people that we have become
our successes
our failures
our triumphs

i wish that i could remember the sound of his laugh
i wish that i could remember the way that he smelled
i do however remember our family
the way that it felt
sometimes it feels so far away
as though he was the tie that bound us all together

where do we go when we lose the things that seem impenetrable
i have spoken about my experience with others
i have reflected upon it time and time again
yet twenty-one years later i have no answers

it ebbs and flows like the ocean
some days it laps at my toes
other days it seems to pull me under

it does not get easier with time
it shifts and changes like a landscape carved by the wind
sometimes the wind wraps me up in a blanket of warmth
some days it chills me to my bones with no reprieve

i am left with memories
and that will carry me through
each day is a new experience 
and another day without him
and some will be easy
some will be hard
and that is life.
that is life with loss.
it is never gone
it is always there
sometimes it shows its face
sometimes it hides in the shadows 

i miss you dad
i missed you yesterday
i miss you today 
and i will miss you tomorrow.

i love you. 

another year older...but am i any wiser...

yes.
yes.
and yes.

absolutely.
i have learned so much in the past year about myself, my loves, my life, my friendships...everything.

so far i have liked my 30's. 
i have watched my friends get married.
have children.
find their professional paths.
its been great.

i too have embarked on a tremendous journey.
i am learning to live like the ocean.
to move with the moon.
to breathe.
to swell.
to retreat.
to sustain.
to support.
to be.
like the ocean i move with the moon.
what a thrill to be one with the world.

i am happy.
i am really truly happy.
my heart sings with joy.
the music from my soul beckons more light and love.
please fill me.
as the notes flow from my breath, 
i feel them take their place among my veins. 
i feel them begin their crescendo
i feel them descend into their adagio
life is dolce.

as i start my newest journey around the sun share with me your music.
your light.
your love.
i know not what this trip shall hold.
i am sure that there will be rough patches just as the storms swell above the seas
i am sure that there will be smooth sailing just as the laughter echos from children in summer.
but they will be mine
they will mold and shape me as the wind shapes the coast line
i will awaken at times bruised and battered by the storm
yet my strength will break away the clouds
the sunlight will echo from the chambers of my soul
burst free
release me
inspire me
help me transcend to a new place.

i look toward the sun on this beautiful evening
breathe in its beauty
soak it in through my skin
prepare to take this leap
to journey around the sun yet again.
may this year be filled with blessings for us all.
thank you for sharing this trip around the sun with me.

happy reading!

another year has come and gone...where do we go from here.

as i sit here are write these words i am aware that i should be doing other things...
like cleaning up the holiday's that have exploded all over my home.

but the words that flow from my finger tips tell me i must take a brief brake.

i sit here in reflection of the year that has past and the year to come...

2013 was an outstanding year...
it was a big year.

i graduated from college with degree that i love and believe wholeheartedly in...
i did so on father's day.
a day that left me rubbed so raw from the emotions that were overflowing from me.
the joy.
the gratefulness of the man that raised me and stood by my side and still does...
and from the loss of my father... a man lost so many years ago.

i attended weddings.
watched my friends change and grow.
fall in love with their lives in a new and different way.
there were announcements of children to come.
i have fallen away from friends as the leaves fall from the tree and the seasons change
they are always with me and i with them - i thank them for the lessons and the love, as they will always be a thread of the fabric that is me.
i have lost lives...
the one most recently caused a a revelation in my soul...
she was a beacon of light...
although our nights have grown darker
the sky has grown brighter with the light of a new star, there she will watch from the boundless universe, lighting our paths and bathing us in the warmth of her life and love...
this loss...
broke my heart...
but made me so grateful for the women in my life...
she was one of my mothers "women" 
they had been friends for 45 years...
sorority sisters.
they are a pack.
she had been the first of the "women" to pass.
these "women" lifted my mother up when my father passed away.
they saw weddings - their own and their children's...
they saw births - their children and their children's children...
they saw deaths - of husbands, of parents...
they saw birthdays...
they saw holidays...
these are my mothers "women"
this loss made me ever more grateful for my "women"
the women i adventure with...
cry with...
laugh with...
i reflected upon my women - these women have been mine since childhood, some high school, some college, some from adulthood...
but they are mine.
they are my women.
this year i vow to cherish my women
with even greater care and love than i ever have - i didn't think that was possible.
i plan to thank them regularly for their companionship.
they are great and powerful women.
all so different...
i am grateful for the way they foster the different facets of me.

i began a new professional adventure.
that at times rips open the wounds of loss in my life...
as i watch the grieving children and their families come and go i get it..
i really do...
sometimes it feels as though i get it too much.

i fell in love with my life all over again.
i took a few steps back into myself and my family...
i fell in love with my mostly companion deeper than i ever dreamed imaginable - after all the years we have been together...
he is me 
i am him
we are us.

i have watched my totter grow and change in ways that i didn't imagine.
she has become a young lady.
a bright shining star in a world frequently shrouded in darkness.
she is my guiding light.
she will change the world.
her laughter is music to my ears.
she is me
i am her
we are us.

as we three head off in to the new year i wonder what the year will hold for us.
i hope of a question of permanence from my mostly companion (not that i am going anywhere)
but a chance to have a celebration of our love with our friends and family. 
a solidification of the three of us...
opening the door for maybe another heart for us to fall in love with...

i am excited for the coming year and the chance to grow.
to spread my wings.
to sow my oats.
to breathe deeply.
to laugh heartily.
to cry passionately.
to learn.
to teach.
to be!!

i am grateful that the universe has granted me the opportunity to get through another year.
cheers to new beginnings for me
and for you.

happy reading!!

the house that built me

this past friday was a hallmark day in my world.
twenty years ago my father passed away...

i was eleven years old.
just a girl.
a child.

that became very lost in the big bad world.
it has been a journey.
not always an easy one...
but i think that i have made my way.

this year we went to the place that holds so many childhood memories for me.
for us.
for our family.
sunriver.

for me it is peace.
it is solace.
it is the place that i hear the laughter of my youth echo through the trees.
i hear them in the laughter of the newest generation of families that come and enjoy.
they are me and i am them.
we are the children.
there we will always be the children.

this is the also the final rest place for my father.
he returned to the earth on the green of the eighteenth hole.
it was his place.
he was a golfer.
he passed away one year from the last time that he played golf...
in fact i was supposed to be in attendance at that tournament that he had played in so many years before...
but that didn't happen.

so...
here he rests.
in a place where the sky goes on forever.
the grass is always green.
freshly mowed.
men come and pay homage to the game...
friendships are solidified.
tested.
laughter.
frustration.
life.
all played out on the course.

to celebrate...
we sneaked out...
in the dark under the stars...
we made our way from where we stayed
to where he rests.
we came to rest among his spirit...
with great laughter (the only way that he would have it)
we popped a bottle of champagne...
we drank.
we laughed.
we stared at the stars.
relished in his memory.

today as we made our way home...
i heard a song that reminded me so much of the way i feel...
"the house that built me."
as we came home from the place that built me i couldn't help but be wrapped up in the beautiful words.
sunriver was always a home to me.
it was a place we went every summer.
every summer since i was born...

so after twenty years... this is what i know... (thank you miranda lambert for knowing too.)

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for you
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me