where does one begin when it comes to loss sometimes the words are easy sometimes there are no words
this day is a day for true reflection i reflected this morning on just how many birthdays had passed last year i said 20...i was wrong. last year was 22. this year it is 23 i promise i am really better at math than that.
you died just before 50... in 1993 here we stand in 2015 you would have been 72. my oh my
i cannot help but think about how much i alone have changed in the 22 years that you have been gone. i was nothing more than a child no longer a child now an adult with a child of my own i sit here an attempt to wax poetic yet i find i have no words to say
i am in a place i do not want to be today today i want to be in an "us" place a place where we stood together a place where i can feel you like the wind where you encompass me in your spirit as it moves through the trees where i can feel the sun on my face the rain on my skin the tug on my heart our hearts know not the answers for grief there is no timeline for healing there are no words we find solace in the little things sadness in them too i seek answers i seek reasons yet i know there are none who would i be had you not left us all those years ago where would i be where would we all be your loss is in the fabric we are all woven from as look back at the words that have come before on the days such as this i want to say them all again they ring as true today as they did last year and the year before maybe i haven't changed at all only aged tears have begun to fall like the Oregon autumn i know not when they will subside i cry for you i cry for me i cry for us
today i only seek solace laughter memories yet in this life there is little time for reflection little time to reminisce no strolls down memory lane we are far too busy but today i will take as many moments as i can to remember our adventures
the years are the same for us all yet the experience so different for me it has been a lifetime
here's to you sir i shall raise a glass to you this evening i shall dance through the living room our waltz to our song i hear it in my heart all the days of my life thank you thank you for the memories thank you for the birthdays of yours of mine of ours that we did get to share
20 birthdays had come and gone... today is one more since you have been gone... some days they make me smile and reflect. missing you always.
this year seems to encompass me in quiet reflection. i watched the days on the calendar tick by. knowing that it would land upon today. each day filled my heart with a little more heaviness and a little more dread. why... i don't know.
it is like the ocean. some days it merely laps at my feet. covering my toes. to my ankles. some days it sucks me under leaving me grasping for air. for the strength to battle the waves. today is one of those days.
for many years i tucked it all away and went about my business. in the past few years i took path that happened to open all the wounds again to make them fresh. i have not yet learned how to close them up again. it will come in time. this i know. they of course will never be the same as they once were. but that is the way that life and loss go.
it seems as though a lifetime of birthdays have passed since you were. yours, mine, all of ours. the people we have become. the person you would have been.
today marks the anniversary of the day that changed my life. it shaped me molded me broke me built me it was the day my father left this earth. i was nothing more than a child. as i look at my own child it seems almost unfathomable to be able to guide her to imagine her reeling from the grief that encompassed me. i felt lost.
twenty-one years have passed since that day yet i remember it so very well. each year marks a different set of feelings different reflections. i reflect upon the nature of my family the way in which we changed shifted grew together grew apart my sisters and i are now adults with our own lives our own families our own children. his grandchildren that he will never know. i see glimmers of him in each of them a mischievous glimmer in the eye the resemblance in their faces the joy in their laughter. he would love them. he would cherish them. at least that is what i imagine. i wish that he could see the people that we have become our successes our failures our triumphs
i wish that i could remember the sound of his laugh i wish that i could remember the way that he smelled i do however remember our family the way that it felt sometimes it feels so far away as though he was the tie that bound us all together where do we go when we lose the things that seem impenetrable i have spoken about my experience with others i have reflected upon it time and time again yet twenty-one years later i have no answers
it ebbs and flows like the ocean some days it laps at my toes other days it seems to pull me under
it does not get easier with time it shifts and changes like a landscape carved by the wind sometimes the wind wraps me up in a blanket of warmth some days it chills me to my bones with no reprieve
i am left with memories and that will carry me through each day is a new experience and another day without him and some will be easy some will be hard and that is life. that is life with loss. it is never gone it is always there sometimes it shows its face sometimes it hides in the shadows
i miss you dad i missed you yesterday i miss you today and i will miss you tomorrow.
as i sit here are write these words i am aware that i should be doing other things... like cleaning up the holiday's that have exploded all over my home. but the words that flow from my finger tips tell me i must take a brief brake. i sit here in reflection of the year that has past and the year to come... 2013 was an outstanding year... it was a big year. i graduated from college with degree that i love and believe wholeheartedly in... i did so on father's day. a day that left me rubbed so raw from the emotions that were overflowing from me. the joy. the gratefulness of the man that raised me and stood by my side and still does... and from the loss of my father... a man lost so many years ago. i attended weddings. watched my friends change and grow. fall in love with their lives in a new and different way. there were announcements of children to come. i have fallen away from friends as the leaves fall from the tree and the seasons change they are always with me and i with them - i thank them for the lessons and the love, as they will always be a thread of the fabric that is me. i have lost lives... the one most recently caused a a revelation in my soul... she was a beacon of light... although our nights have grown darker the sky has grown brighter with the light of a new star, there she will watch from the boundless universe, lighting our paths and bathing us in the warmth of her life and love... this loss... broke my heart... but made me so grateful for the women in my life... she was one of my mothers "women" they had been friends for 45 years... sorority sisters. they are a pack. she had been the first of the "women" to pass. these "women" lifted my mother up when my father passed away. they saw weddings - their own and their children's... they saw births - their children and their children's children... they saw deaths - of husbands, of parents... they saw birthdays... they saw holidays... these are my mothers "women" this loss made me ever more grateful for my "women" the women i adventure with... cry with... laugh with... i reflected upon my women - these women have been mine since childhood, some high school, some college, some from adulthood... but they are mine. they are my women. this year i vow to cherish my women with even greater care and love than i ever have - i didn't think that was possible. i plan to thank them regularly for their companionship. they are great and powerful women. all so different... i am grateful for the way they foster the different facets of me. i began a new professional adventure. that at times rips open the wounds of loss in my life... as i watch the grieving children and their families come and go i get it.. i really do... sometimes it feels as though i get it too much. i fell in love with my life all over again. i took a few steps back into myself and my family... i fell in love with my mostly companion deeper than i ever dreamed imaginable - after all the years we have been together... he is me i am him we are us. i have watched my totter grow and change in ways that i didn't imagine. she has become a young lady. a bright shining star in a world frequently shrouded in darkness. she is my guiding light. she will change the world. her laughter is music to my ears. she is me i am her we are us. as we three head off in to the new year i wonder what the year will hold for us. i hope of a question of permanence from my mostly companion (not that i am going anywhere) but a chance to have a celebration of our love with our friends and family. a solidification of the three of us... opening the door for maybe another heart for us to fall in love with...
i am excited for the coming year and the chance to grow. to spread my wings. to sow my oats. to breathe deeply. to laugh heartily. to cry passionately. to learn. to teach. to be!!
i am grateful that the universe has granted me the opportunity to get through another year. cheers to new beginnings for me and for you. happy reading!!
this past friday was a hallmark day in my world. twenty years ago my father passed away...
i was eleven years old. just a girl. a child.
that became very lost in the big bad world. it has been a journey. not always an easy one... but i think that i have made my way.
this year we went to the place that holds so many childhood memories for me. for us. for our family. sunriver.
for me it is peace. it is solace. it is the place that i hear the laughter of my youth echo through the trees. i hear them in the laughter of the newest generation of families that come and enjoy. they are me and i am them. we are the children. there we will always be the children.
this is the also the final rest place for my father. he returned to the earth on the green of the eighteenth hole. it was his place. he was a golfer. he passed away one year from the last time that he played golf... in fact i was supposed to be in attendance at that tournament that he had played in so many years before... but that didn't happen.
so... here he rests. in a place where the sky goes on forever. the grass is always green. freshly mowed. men come and pay homage to the game... friendships are solidified. tested. laughter. frustration. life. all played out on the course.
to celebrate... we sneaked out... in the dark under the stars... we made our way from where we stayed to where he rests. we came to rest among his spirit... with great laughter (the only way that he would have it) we popped a bottle of champagne... we drank. we laughed. we stared at the stars. relished in his memory.
today as we made our way home... i heard a song that reminded me so much of the way i feel... "the house that built me." as we came home from the place that built me i couldn't help but be wrapped up in the beautiful words. sunriver was always a home to me. it was a place we went every summer. every summer since i was born...
so after twenty years... this is what i know... (thank you miranda lambert for knowing too.)
I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Mama cut out pictures of houses for you
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
in light of the recent events that have happened i am at a loss for words. as for myself and for all of the parents in my life and for all of those out there, my child is my world.
i do not have the answers to stop these unthinkable tragedies. i know that what my heart as a parent and as an active member of my community i can only continue to try and make a difference in the lives of the children in my community.
i however have had the blessed opportunity and cannot wait to continue this opportunity to volunteer. to share in the lives of other children in my community.
i do not know if gun control is the answer. i do not know that it can be. i know that education can and will foster change. and i do not mean just the education that we find in books and lessons. i mean the education that we give one another. in the uplifiting of souls the fostering of dreams the listening that we can offer the love that we can give.
i am only one woman. but if i can help just one child see the beauty within them. so can you.
i in my life have lost. i lost a parent. i was a child. not to violent tragedy. but it is a loss none the less. and i was a lucky child to be able to process my grief. the dougy center it saved my life. i hope that the children who lived through this day. this heartbreak are offered these same resources
so as adults please care for all the children in your community they need you. we need you. as communities we must band together we all live in small communities of our own we are all also a part of a larger community we are a nation rise up. band together. for the sake of our children.
what can we do. how can we help. how can we facilitate the change for a safer better life for our children for their children for ourselves.
we watch these things unfold before our eyes. we render ourselves helpless we are left without words without answers. i want nothing more than to rescue all of the children of the world to keep them safe from harm. i cannot solve all the worlds problems all that i can come up with is love. love the children in your community cherish the things that make them special make them unusal make them sparkle make them shine they are all special creatures and we know not what they live through in their own worlds so in the places that we come into contact with their worlds be kind. be understanding. each child has the right to be loved. and be cherished.
i too as all parents will tonight hug my daughter a little tighter kiss her face a few more times listen even harder.
i know not if gun control can change these tragedies or if we as a community can change them i hope that we as a community can rally together and do what we can to ensure that things of this nature do not occur. that no more lives are to be lost
my heart aches my eyes cry
i want to find answers i want to find reasons i cannot. nor can you.
all we can do is unravel ourselves a little bit more from the threads that entangle our everyday lives open our hearts and our minds open up our schedules to spend a little extra time with the children in our communities so that we can make a difference in just one childs life. so that we can pick one child up help raise them up to the heights in which they dream. so that we know that there is one more child who knows they are loved beyond any measure.
wow. it has been a long time since i have taken to my blog, but there are things that have happened as of late that have affected my heart in such a way that i must write.
as a mother this made this whole experience, that much more difficult. although i am nothing more than an outsider it doesn't change the impact that it had on me.
a young woman that i used to dance with growing up has grown up and started a family of her own. they are a beautiful family and i admire them and their GRACE and strength.
4 months ago they brought a beautiful daughter into this world. and oh is she gorgeous. i want to love her and squeeze her. but that is not what this is completely about. their daughter was born with a bevy of health issues and i have had the privilege, although it has been a heartbreaking one, to follow their journey.
their daughter who i will not name, nor will i name them to respect their privacy, has struggled. she has fought a brave fight. my heart aches for them. throughout this journey they written in the most eloquent manner, with hope and faith and unyielding love for one another. i have been so honored to see the people that have come forth and offer their prayers, love and positive wishes. personally... i have never prayed so hard for tiny miracles. and although her precious battle for life has come to a close. i think that she and what she has taught those around her is the miracle itself.
we as parents think about the things that we don't want our children to do or want them to do. we want them to use good manners. wash their hands. be polite. not to talk back. to clean their rooms. and the list can go on. but for most of us we don't think of those things in terms of the big picture in that we want them to LIVE to GROW to THRIVE to SURVIVE to NOT STRUGGLE to NOT SUFFER.
and that not to say that we don't think about those things on some level. but most of our everyday thoughts are not of their ultimate survival.
this precious little girl and her big sister as well as her parents did. they had to. there was no choice. it wasn't about whether or not she was going to eat her peas and carrots. it was about whether or not she was going to make it.
and throughout this her parents shared this journey in the most unassuming fashion. not asking for anything but prayers. my heart aches so immensely for them. yet i cannot help but admire their strength and their love for one another their faith is awe inspiring. they are amazing. they have handled themselves with the grace that we all with that we had in time of heartache.
from all of this i look at my family with new eyes. i want to love them more carefully more thoughtfully
i cannot begin to imagine the pain that they are experiencing. i wish i even had the words to properly express myself as to the admiration i have for their family. they will forever live in my heart my prayers my love my thoughts my respect
all i can hope is that they find peace and solace in one another. that they come together as a family to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. that they are the rainbow after the rain that they are the calm after the storm.
