21

today marks the anniversary of the day that changed my life.
it shaped me
molded me
broke me
built me

it was the day my father left this earth.
i was nothing more than a child.
as i look at my own child 
it seems almost unfathomable
to be able to guide her
to imagine her reeling from the grief that encompassed me.
i felt lost.

twenty-one years have passed since that day
yet i remember it so very well.
each year marks a different set of feelings
different reflections.

i reflect upon the nature of my family
the way in which we changed
shifted
grew together
grew apart

my sisters and i are now adults
with our own lives
our own families
our own children.
his grandchildren that he will never know.
i see glimmers of him in each of them
a mischievous glimmer in the eye
the resemblance in their faces
the joy in their laughter.
he would love them.
he would cherish them.
at least that is what i imagine.

i wish that he could see the people that we have become
our successes
our failures
our triumphs

i wish that i could remember the sound of his laugh
i wish that i could remember the way that he smelled
i do however remember our family
the way that it felt
sometimes it feels so far away
as though he was the tie that bound us all together

where do we go when we lose the things that seem impenetrable
i have spoken about my experience with others
i have reflected upon it time and time again
yet twenty-one years later i have no answers

it ebbs and flows like the ocean
some days it laps at my toes
other days it seems to pull me under

it does not get easier with time
it shifts and changes like a landscape carved by the wind
sometimes the wind wraps me up in a blanket of warmth
some days it chills me to my bones with no reprieve

i am left with memories
and that will carry me through
each day is a new experience 
and another day without him
and some will be easy
some will be hard
and that is life.
that is life with loss.
it is never gone
it is always there
sometimes it shows its face
sometimes it hides in the shadows 

i miss you dad
i missed you yesterday
i miss you today 
and i will miss you tomorrow.

i love you. 

there are no words

today.
my heart breaks.

in light of the recent events that have happened i am at a loss for words.
as for myself and for all of the parents in my life and for all of those out there,
my child is my world.

i do not have the answers to stop these unthinkable tragedies.
i know that what my heart as a parent and as an active member of my community
i can only continue to try and make a difference in the lives of the children in my community.

i however have had the blessed opportunity
and cannot wait to continue this opportunity
to volunteer.
to share in the lives of other children in my community.

i do not know if gun control is the answer.
i do not know that it can be.
i know that education
can and will foster change.
and i do not mean just the education that we find in books and lessons.
i mean the education that we give one another.
in the uplifiting of souls
the fostering of dreams
the listening that we can offer
the love that we can give.

i am only one woman.
but if i can help just one child see the beauty within them.
so can you.

i in my life have lost.
i lost a parent.
i was a child.
not to violent tragedy.
but it is a loss none the less.
and i was a lucky child to be able to process my grief.
the dougy center
it saved my life.
i hope that the children who lived through this day.
this heartbreak
are offered these same resources

so as adults
please care for all the children in your community
they need you.
we need you.
as communities
we must band together
we all live in small communities of our own
we are all also a part of a larger community
we are a nation
rise up.
band together.
for the sake of our children.

what can we do.
how can we help.
how can we facilitate the change
for a safer
better life for our children
for their children
for ourselves.

we watch these things unfold before our eyes.
we render ourselves helpless
we are left without words
without answers.
i want nothing more than to rescue all of the children of the world
to keep them safe from harm.
i cannot solve all the worlds problems
all that i can come up with is
love.
love the children in your community
cherish the things that
make them special
make them unusal
make them sparkle
make them shine
they are all special creatures
and we know not what they live through in their own worlds
so in the places that we come into contact with their worlds
be kind.
be understanding.
each child has the right to be loved.
and be cherished.

i too as all parents will tonight
hug my daughter a little tighter
kiss her face a few more times
listen even harder.

i know not if gun control can change these tragedies
or if we as a community can change them
i hope that we as a community can rally together and do what we can to ensure that things of this nature do not occur.
that no more lives are to be lost

my heart aches
my eyes cry

i want to find answers
i want to find reasons
i cannot.
nor can you.

all we can do is unravel ourselves a little bit more from the threads that entangle our everyday lives
open our hearts and our minds
open up our schedules to spend a little extra time with the children in our communities
so that we can make a difference in just one childs life.
so that we can pick one child up
help raise them up to the heights in which they dream.
so that we know that there is one more child who knows they are loved beyond any measure.

For you totter...

what can i say...
i have been consumed by the movement of parental love.
i over flow with thoughts and affections for my child.

I AM A LUCKY WOMAN.

she and i have been on an ongoing adventure.
from day one.

she is the fuel for my fire.
and for those of you know me.
know it burns intensly.

this morning i was listening to some music
and came across a song that described everything i felt.
everything i feel.
everything i know about loving my child
or any mother loving her child.

a mothers love is a special love.
on the surface you may say that mine is no different than that of any other mother.
but to me it is.

if you know our story
you know our struggle and our triumph.
where we have been and what we have learned.
our journey has not been easy but it has been one that i will not forget nor regret.
sure i would have made changes along the way...
but its made us who we are.
it will dictate who she continues to become.
she is a magical creature.

little girl you are enchanting.
you are filled with magic and light.
do not let anyone extinguish your light.
let it shine brightly for the world to see.

continue to fight to change the world all on your own.
ask for help when you need it.
but always always always push forward.

sing your songs
dance your dance
twirl
always twirl.
dance and sing with reckless abandon.
let go be free.
wear your faerie wings.
you are after all the very thing you believe yourself to be.
a faerie
filled with magic
song
laughter
joy and
L
I
G
H
T
so let it shine.

be brave
be courageous.
love.
love with your whole heart.
share your gifts with the world.

although i possess many words
i don't know that i have all the words to share with you all my wishes for you.

i wish for you that the world would stay the way you see it in your heart
i wish that the people that you encounter in your life shine as brightly with good as you percieve them to.
you have a wonderful way of looking at the world.
you see it not only through the eyes of a child but through the eyes of a wise and curious explorer.

you amaze me
you dazzle me
you love me
and i love you.
i love you more than you will ever know.

thank you for being you

So Glad You Are a Child of MIne

so today i watched a video of a dear friend of mine.
she made this video as a declaration of love for her son.
although i cannot sing like her.
song is not my forte.
but written word is.
so...
i too make this public declaration of love for my totter.

little girl.
you light up my life.
your laughter is like the most glorious music for my soul.

the days ahead of you might not always be easy.
but i am here
i am here to hold your hand
to help you navigate the rough waters
and help you sail the smooth.

you are a kind girl
a sweet and sensitive child
with many gifts to offer the world.

i will forever foster these strengths
i am proud to be your mother

i love you
i love you more and more each and everyday
i watch you grow and change
and feel blessed that i have been there for all of it
being a mother is a special special gift
being YOUR mother is the best gift in the world

when i look at you and the way you treat and love the people around you i am proud
life will not always be easy
but if you continue to treat people with the love that you do these days as a child
it will take you far.

as your mother i can only hope that you treat people the way that you want to be treated.
people will try and knock you down.
people will try to break your spirit and squash your dreams.
please do not let them win.
but we are not always perfect and when those times get the better of you.
i will be here
i will pick up your pieces and put them back together.
piece by piece
i will dust them off
kiss them
hold them close to my heart
infuse them with my love
my strength
the lessons i have learned
and put them all back together
and send you back out in to the world.

you and i have been partners.
you and me
me and you
just the two of us
no one can ever take that away or break the special bond that we share.
your little hand in mine

i am sure someday that you will grow taller than i
but that means nothing
i will forever hold your "little" hand in mine
to me you will always be my baby
my little girl

as these words for you exit my being and enter yours
tears stream down my face
if i could protect you forever and always
from the hurt
the anger
the sadness
the sorrow
and expose you only to the joy
the laughter
the love
the kindness
i would.

i cannot shield you from the elements
and keep the rain from soaking your coat.
i can however keep you warm.
i can wrap you up in my arms and keep you safe and warm
fill your heart with laughter and joy

i love you
i loved you yesterday and the day before.
and each day before that.
i will love you tomorrow and each day to come.

thank you for being you
stay you
no matter what they say
no matter who they tell you that you ought to be
you should never be anyone but the beautiful soul that you are.

you are special
you are kind
you are the love of my life.

 [ so here is a song for you my dear...two in fact.]

two times in one night...i'm on a roll!

well this is a first.
two posts in one night.
not sure what has come over me...
but i cannot complain.


this one is of a different nature it is one of great love.
for those of you know and know for those of you who don't...
now you do.
my totter is deaf in one ear.
when you meet her you would never know.
unless you went to hand her a telephone and tried to put it on her right ear.
she'll tell you she doesn't hear out of that one...
in a very much DUH tone.
she's the best.
she makes me smile.
and one might notice if you were to sing with her.
she'll read your lips.
its pretty cool.
it impresses me.
but then again i am her mom so most everything she does impresses me.
(you should see her climb the rope  - it will impress you too!)
but that's neither here nor there.
the only other time you might know is when she is tired and she is trying to watch tv...
she will want to lay a particular direction so that she can hear.


but this post isn't totally about her.
although i could go on and on cause she is just AMAZING.
this post is really about being deaf.
a few years ago i decided to broaden my horizons by learning American Sign Language
not just because i wanted another language under my belt
but should anything ever happen to totters good ear i didn't want to lose our words
to lose our conversation


American Sign Language is beautiful
beautiful beyond words.
being deaf does not dictate any deficiency
any thing "wrong"
it is simply the need to speak a different language.
and if we hearing people would take the time to listen
to really listen
you would learn its not silence that you hear
its a voice just like any other
you simply hear with different parts of yourself


when we say a picture is worth a thousand words.
it's true.
what is said in eyes
hands
and body language.
so we should open our eyes
hearts
and minds
and listen.


in my studies of ASL i was blessed to be turned on to D-PAN
Deaf Professional Artists Network
it is AMAZING.
this is why i am writing tonight.
a friend of mine
the woman with 3 first names...and now a extra last name to boot
(she just got married - thanks be to her husband for his service in the military)
shared with me their newest video...
so of course
i had to watch.
phenomenal.
like always.

so tonight i would like to share with you.
1st - we are going to be friends - the white stripes
please take the time to watch them.
they are truly very special.
and very important reminders.
2nd - beautiful - christina aguilera

and one more

this is probably my favorite as it shows scenes from a student uprising at Gallaudet Univeristy

which you most likely have never heard of

but should.

it is the only university in the WORLD

who's programs are dedicated to hard of hearing and deaf students.

thank you to Abraham Lincoln.

So please please please read this go check out Gallaudet's website as well as D-PAN's and hear the words.

Happy Reading!

Be the Change You Wish to See in the World

So after a very emotional and heartfelt conversation with my friend tonight - i felt that this piece written by my mother deserved revisiting. This is a message that still 4 years later brought tears to my eyes as we are what the future learns from. I as a parent am a teacher - a guide - a navigator and it is my job to teach, guide and navigate my child in apositive direction. As she brought to my attention tonight the simplest yet the most true of all philosophies - one I think that we tend to forget. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi.

She brought this to my attention as it hangs on our refrigerator as a magnet. I walk past it each and every day - I probably look at it without really seeing it. However that will no longer be. I am inspired to make change. So much so that I am going to be meeting with my advisor about changing my educational path - although not entirely but steering myself differently because I believe in opportunity, EQUAL opportunity for our children to be healthy happy people. For them to change the world. They come in to life unjaded and pure and they learn the hatred that breeds in this world only because we teach them...they do not come out of the womb, hating someone because of the color of their skin, because of their religious beliefs, because of their sexual preference. They learn these things because we teach them. They know not that they are different because their family makes less or more money than the baby in the nursery next to them. And why should they be denied opportunity for a fantastic life, for their dreams, for health care for any of these reasons. they shouldn't. I don't care what you might say in opposition, because there is nothing to say...children are the future and to deny any one a chance to achieve their dreams is foolish.

So please read this old note - from 2007...this message still rings as true today as it did then, as it did yesterday and as it will tomorrow and every day to come.

So be brave, be courageous and fight to make a difference in the future of humanity.

The first part of this was written by my mother this morning who attended a Celebration at my daughters school "Together We Can Make a Difference" it was so touching I wanted to share it and the Oregonian acticle referenced in it.....

So Please Friends Read it!!!

This morning I attended the Human Rights day celebration at Irvington Elementary where my granddaughter attends kindergarten. Irvington is a very racially and ethnically mixed school.

The theme of today's program was about working together. The children made posters to decorate the gymnasium, which also serves as the auditorium,and they sang and performed for a packed audience of parents, grandparents, friends and siblings. These children work and play together daily. When my granddaughter talks about her friends from school I have no idea about their ethnicity or race and most importantly neither does she. She has a crush on an African American boy, and there is a white girl who is mean to her and hurts her feelings. I know this because I have met these children, and sadly, I notice these things about them - she doesn't. For her this simply isn't part of the equation or her thinking. It quite simply does not matter. I am grateful for this; for at least in this tiny pocket, these small children are learning that if they work together they will create change, a better world. I am encouraged and ennobled by them; they are model of inclusivity, because for them as Martin Luther King Jr said so eloquently, whatever judgments they make about each other are not because of "the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

And for today, their parents and grandparents and friends came together in the same way. I don't know what was going through their heads or in their hearts, but I do know that they all clapped just as loudly for the African American boy who sang a solo as for the white girl. Today they came to simply honor these children, all of them equally, as sang for peace and liberty and joy and a cleaner planet. Let us hope that as these children grow into adulthood that they will continue to simply see each other as human beings. Perhaps they will be the generation that Steve Duin describes in the last sentence. I certainly hope so, but then that is up to us, isn't it?

The struggle to "get over" slavery

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Last week, a Virginia legislator named Frank Hargrove rose to denounce a bill that called for a state apology to the descendents of slaves. The 79-year-old Republican -- he turns 80 Friday -- insisted that since slavery ended more than 140 years ago, "our black citizens should get over it."

I emphasize Hargrove's age for a reason that has nothing to do with his candidacy for senility. Although he was not around for the passage of the 13th Amendment in 1865, the "official" end of slavery in this country, he turned 3 in 1930, a year in which at least 20 "black citizens" were lynched or put to the torch.

Hargrove was a robust 31 and, presumably, better educated in 1958, when -- four years after the Supreme Court's landmark decision in Brown v. Board of Education -- not a single school district in Virginia had yet been desegregated. Like Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi and South Carolina, the state of Virginia believed blacks should just "get over" the court's rejection of separate but equal.

Heck, Hargrove turned 62 in 1989, when the first National Football League owner finally conceded that an African American might be qualified to coach in a league that had been around since 1920.

Get over it? Sensitivity is a sensitive issue, and Hargrove is welcome to his own bundle of nerves. I rise to quarrel with his history and the absurd notion that the systematic oppression of blacks in this country disappeared with their chains.

The end of slavery -- and it was legal in Cuba and Brazil into the 1880s -- conveyed no advantages or equity on the former slaves. "They had no rights and protections under the law," said Darrell Millner, acting chair of the department of black studies at Portland State University. "They had no property because they had been property. They had no money because they hadn't been paid. They were still in the midst of the people who enslaved them."

And most of those Southern gentlemen met their attempts to crawl out of that hole with savage resistance. Beginning in 1890, the Southern states -- with the blessing of the Supreme Court -- began disenfranchising blacks at the voting booth with literacy tests, poll taxes and "white primaries."

The effort was so pervasive and so successful that by 1940 only 3 percent of blacks of voting age in the South were registered. Not until Freedom Summer (1963) and the Voting Rights Act of 1965 -- when Frank Hargrove was 38 -- were blacks given reasonable access to the political process.

All the while, blacks were routinely denied job opportunities, transit and lunch-counter seats, fair trials and a decent education. By 1962 -- 97 years after the Civil War -- a mere 13,000 federal troops were needed to help enroll a black Air Force veteran, James Meredith, at the University of Mississippi.

Just who has had the tougher time getting over the end of slavery, blacks . . . or whites?

As Millner notes, Columbus requisitioned slaves for the trip back to Spain in 1492, and slaves were still crossing the Atlantic 400 years later: "It's unreasonable to expect an institution that is that pervasive and long lasting will disappear in a time period that's any shorter than the period it is operational."

Let's hope that's a particularly pessimistic view. Frank Hargrove's generation fought a lot harder to keep this country free from fascists abroad than free from court-sanctioned bigotry at home. His grandchildren's generation probably isn't all that surprised to see two black coaches in the Super Bowl.

May the next generation be just as blase about black law partners, black franchise owners and black faces on the Forbes 400.

Steve Duin: 503-221-8597; 1320 S.W. Broadway, Portland, OR 97201

its been a while old friend

so again it was brought to my attention that I am not keeping up with my blogging and for that I apologize.  I have embarked on yet another term of school and it is consuming me...Lets just hope that it comes out to great results.  That is what I hope for every term...but it doesn't always happen.

But this evening I am taking a momentary break for my life as it were and spending some much needed time with the people I love the most.  My daughter of course and my niece and my nephew.  They are delightful little people who make life so happy and carefree!

They are the moment all wearing capes and they are part of the Glenda Fame Bat club...and I'll tell you why.  My niece who is the youngest of the three and she is almost 3 - her name begins with a G ( it is not however Glenda that was my daughters contribution) , my nephew who just turned 5 his name begins with an F...hence the fame.  And we'll the bat club is because my nephew is wearing his batman pajamas complete with cape.

As I watch them play I am envious of how carefree and imaginative they all are together.  They play so freely, there is no television turned on - there are no fancy toys involved...there are some capes, three kids, and a blanket (to disguise them from the bad guys as they are helping all the people that are in trouble)  to have a wonderful time.

This reminds me of another funny story involving the very batman pajamas previously spoken of.   A few months back my mostly companion and I were spending the evening with the littles and the boy was wearing the batman pajamas - as soon as he was dressed in them he said to me "where's my cape?  I need my cape!"  I however disappointingly it might be did not know where the cape in question was.  We then proceeded to head downstairs in my sisters home so that the children could continue their play for a while and the boy (as I will be calling him as I do not want to mention names without permission from their parents...)  was asked by my mostly companion "Are you Batman?" and the reply was "No, I'm [insert name here] Batman."  and then he simply left the room.

Much to my delight tonight as we were putting on the boy's pajamas I was again asked "Where's my cape?"  This time however much to HIS delight...I was able to provide him with the cape.

Fortunately this has not been the only delights that these wonderful beings have blessed me with this evening...they are quite hilarious.  But earlier we had a lovely conversation on belly buttons which was followed by a displaying of bellybuttons - I maintained that I did not have one as I was not prepared to show mine to a 3,5 and 9 year old.

I find many delights in listening to my niece speak as she has the sweetest little voice and she says the sweetest things.  She was talking to me about ella...that is Cinderella in her words.  As well as "purple tights" which unfortunately I interpreted as poopy tights - not even close.  OOPS...

Well I must depart at least for a few as I need to put the boy and his kid sister to bed.  Sadly enough there will be no more tales of them for today but another time my friends!! 

Happy Reading!

so happy

MY GIRL IS COMING HOME TO ME!!!

It has been 8 days since I saw my munchkin and she is coming home!!  I cannot wait to kiss her face!

Happy Reading!

Kid Speak

Those of you who know me...know that I have a penchant for babies and small children especially those of the chubbier persuasion.

So much so that I have a song about them...and have dreams of making a parade of them while they sing said song and bang on pots and pans.

Explain it I cannot.

But I LOVE CHUBBY BABIES!! 

I am very fascinated by the way children speak as well.  The way that they interpret language is a very special thing.  Since I am a single mom I spend lots of times with my little one.  I also get to spend time with my other favorite little people, my niece and nephew.  Together the three of them are the most amazing group of little people, in fact I wish that I was able to video tape their conversations because they are so fascinating. 

A few months ago we were all eating pizza together and I heard the greatest conversation EVER.  It began with my nephew who is about to turn 5 asking my daughter who is 9 what Candian Bacon was (as it was on our pizza) she simply turned to him and explain very matter of factly "Bacon, from Canada" as if we all should know what "Canadian Bacon" was.  And he simply replied "Oh, ok."  and that was all the explaination that he needed.  However she went on to explain where Canada was as she was using a placemat map of the world...and how Canada was really further away than we thought because the world is round. 

I LOVE IT!

My nephew also uses "shut off" instead of "shut up" which I myself have adopted how perfect...someone is driving you nuts...SHUT OFF.  It speaks so truly to what it is that you want them to do.

Kids...so creative and straight to the point.  I wish that the language that we used as adults adopted this philosophy of just say it, say what you really feel, what you really mean.  As I find the truth to be less harmful than beating around the bush.

Happy Reading!