another year older...but am i any wiser...

yes.
yes.
and yes.

absolutely.
i have learned so much in the past year about myself, my loves, my life, my friendships...everything.

so far i have liked my 30's. 
i have watched my friends get married.
have children.
find their professional paths.
its been great.

i too have embarked on a tremendous journey.
i am learning to live like the ocean.
to move with the moon.
to breathe.
to swell.
to retreat.
to sustain.
to support.
to be.
like the ocean i move with the moon.
what a thrill to be one with the world.

i am happy.
i am really truly happy.
my heart sings with joy.
the music from my soul beckons more light and love.
please fill me.
as the notes flow from my breath, 
i feel them take their place among my veins. 
i feel them begin their crescendo
i feel them descend into their adagio
life is dolce.

as i start my newest journey around the sun share with me your music.
your light.
your love.
i know not what this trip shall hold.
i am sure that there will be rough patches just as the storms swell above the seas
i am sure that there will be smooth sailing just as the laughter echos from children in summer.
but they will be mine
they will mold and shape me as the wind shapes the coast line
i will awaken at times bruised and battered by the storm
yet my strength will break away the clouds
the sunlight will echo from the chambers of my soul
burst free
release me
inspire me
help me transcend to a new place.

i look toward the sun on this beautiful evening
breathe in its beauty
soak it in through my skin
prepare to take this leap
to journey around the sun yet again.
may this year be filled with blessings for us all.
thank you for sharing this trip around the sun with me.

happy reading!

Out of the darkness comes light...

in light of the events of yesterday,
again as a human population we are left in state of stunned disbelief and reflection.
how?
why?

i am not sure which part of all of it impacts me more...
is it because i run.
is it because i know people who were running yesterday.
is it because i work in grief (well my internship anyway)
is it because i am a parent...
that i do not know.

today i stood before a group of young people.
highschoolers.
these children are our future.
the choices that we make will impact them forever.
the choice that they make will impact them forever.
i stood and spoke as a representative for an organization that i believe in wholeheartedly.
i represented the dougy center.
they are the home for grieving children.
i spoke of their past.
i spoke of my past.
how apropos.
in the wake of a tragedy.
i am here to speak of death.
but i am the light at the end of the tunnel.
we are the light at the end of the tunnel.

i look at the world around me and it makes me want to weep.
it makes me want to laugh.
it makes me want to sing.
it makes me want to dance.

so how can we make the world a more beautiful place 
for ourselves
for our children
for their children
and their children...

we can look inside ourselves to find the beauty we possess.
what beauty can you bring to world in world so full of ugly.
bring your heart.
bring your laughter.
bring your tears
bring your innocence.
bring your wisdom.
bring yourself.

yesterday we filled the social media world with tears and heartbreak for the tragedy in Boston.
today we filled the world with messages of positivity.
i took the time to watch this video made by dove...
it brought tears to my eyes.
because in world so full of ugly we are our own worst critics.
we see not the beauty that we radiate
however that isn't always what others see.
we see the freckles.
we see the wrinkles.
we see the age.
we see not the light in our eyes.
we see not the way our smile enters the heart of others.
we see not the way our laughter breaks apart the darkness in ones day.
we know not what others see in us.

so maybe if we could just take a moment to see the us someone else sees...
we can bring a little more beauty back in to the world.

this might not do for you what it did for me...
but i think it is worth a watch.
so as we enter into a world of ugly things...
please remember the beauty that others see in you.

this is not the shallow beauty i speak of...
so please do not mistake this for something of that sort.
i speak of the beautiful energy that radiates from within.
the way that when you walk in to a room you light up a room.
beauty is not in the clothes you wear.
beauty is not in the makeup you put on your face
beauty is not in the way you do your hair.
beauty IS in the way you laugh
beauty IS in the way you lift the spirits of a friend or a stranger in a few words
beauty IS in the way you know how to bring someone to tears with your laughter
beauty IS in the way you hug your friends, hug strangers in a time of need
beauty IS in YOU.

i send my prayers
my love
my thoughts
my positive energy
and my beauty to Boston.

Happy Reading

taper week.

in my life we speak lots about tapering.
if you don't know i work in a local running store.
when you run and you train right before you race a long race.
you have a taper week.

this week i taper.
but i taper in a different way.
for the last few years i have been seeking a degree.

you may or may not know...
you may not have but you might have figured it out...
i was a teen mom.
i had my totter at the age of 18.
that doesn't make college easy...
or even possible.
for me it wasn't something that i could do.

but that changed.
i decided that i needed to make a change.
i got some education...
and i got a great job.
it wasn't what i wanted to do forever but it put a roof over our heads
and food on our table.
but i wasn't emotionally happy.
when my professional world came crashing down around me
i decided that it was time for a change.
i started going back to school.
i started with a few classes here and there.
but didn't totally have a direction.

but then i started to find my way.
or maybe my way found me.
i started to blast though my classes.
then i graduated from pcc.
i had the beginnings of a degree.
i had an associates degree.
my daughter was proud of me.
i was proud of me.

i finally felt like my words to my totter about following her dreams were valid.
what good is it to tell someone to follow their dreams if you aren't following yours.

that is what i have done.
i enrolled at portland state...
i thought that i wanted to be a physical therapist at the beginning.
but somewhere along the way
i found my calling.
or it found me.
i am a community health educator.
almost.
that is why i am in my taper.
i am wrapping up my second to last term of my undergraduate degree.

i am about to go out in the world and make change.
make it better for my child and for her friends.
for her community.
for my community.
for our community.

i cannot wait.
i have worked hard.
i have learned so much.

i am forever grateful for the outpouring of love and support i have been given.
wow.
i am forever indebted.
i do not know that i am worthy.
but i do know that i wouldn't have been able to do this all alone.
my friends.
my family.
my totter.
my mostly companion.
your patience and your encouragement means more than you know.

i promise to go out into the world and make change.
i promise to make you all proud.

out of all of the things i have learned
the most valuable.
i am worth it.
i am worth the learning.
i am worth the effort.
i am worth the passion.
i am worth the time.
i am worth the money.

and i will make a difference.
watch out world...
you have three months left to prepare
because i am coming.

cheers!

happy reading!

Thankful...

oh the things we have to say...
this month i have watched or read many folks talk about the things that they are thankful for in this month of november.

i thought some about it and decided that to remind myself to type something each day was a little unrealistic.

so i thought i would take to this venue and let it all go.
all the things i am thankful for.

that's how this whole thing began...
and then the election took place.
not that it was a surprise.
but my oh my the things people say in this time.
i was baffled.
blown away.
shocked.
dismayed.
appalled.
hurt.
saddened.
disgusted.
i just could not believe the things that people would say.

i cannot understand.
i will never understand why people opt to be so cruel.
sure.
you might not agree with a particular candidate and that is fine.
that is actually part of what makes the election thing so great.
we have the choice.
we have the right to choose.
and for that i am thankful.
there however is no reason to treat the people that don't agree with you like they are less than you.
like they are less deserving of equality.
you know not where people come from.
it is not your place to dehumanize them.
they are a person just like you.
and frankly if they are not worthy of equality neither are you.

as i sit back and i look at the people in my life or the people that i encounter throughout my days.
i look at them as a piece of thread.
a different color
a different length
a different texture
just different.
and when we are all woven together to make the tapestry of humanity
we make the most beautiful one
alone we are all just a piece of string.
you are no better than the next.
i am no better than you
and you are no better than me.
and that is something that i am thankful for.

i am thankful that i am me
i am thankful for where i come from
i am thankful for where i am going
i am thankful for what i have been through
i am thankful for my laughter
i am thankful for your laughter that i give to you
i am thankful for the rain
i am thankful for the sun
i am thankful for my brain
i am thankful for my soul
i am thankful for the sound of my daughter sleeping
i am thankful for the waves crashing against the shore
i am thankful for the sand between my toes
i am thankful for community
i am thankful that i am part of a community
i am thankful for the bountiful feast that is set before me
i am thankful for the honor of being a coach
i am thankful for the honor of being a mentor
i am thankful for my right to choose
i am thankful for being different
i am thankful that my mostly companion is different than i am
i am thankful for the simple things in life
i am thankful that i am alive
i am thankful that i was raised the way i was
i am thankful for patience
i am thankful for acceptance (i wish there were a lot more of this these days)
i am thankful for kindness
i am thankful for simplicity
i am thankful for clean drinking water
i am thankful that i have the ability to be the change i wish to see in the world
i am thankful that people can fight for what the believe without demeaning others
i am thankful that i have travelled
i am thankful that i will continue to travel
i am thankful for my body, it's not perfect but it works and it's mine
i am thankful that i have had the privilege of falling in love
i am thankful that i have the privilege of being in love
i am thankful that i am mother
i am thankful for the beautiful creature that is my daughter
i am thankful for her laughter
i am thankful for smile
i am thankful for the roof over my head
i am thankful for faith
i am thankful that we all have the freedom to believe in something
i am thankful for the music that moves me
i am thankful for the music that flows through my veins
i am thankful for you
i am thankful for me
i am thankful for books
i am thankful that i fall into bed each night and sleep encompasses me
i am thankful for my education
i am thankful for the people i call my friends
i am thankful for life...

this list could go on.
and on
and on.

but i'll save you time.
it just goes to show that regardless of what i believe and what you believe
what your political agenda is
or mine
i am the same as you
you are the same as me
we have many things in common...
many are different
but many are the same.
people do not deserve unkind words based on what they believe.
our differences make us special.
our similarities do too.
so do everyone a favor and remember that at the end of the day we are all human.
and saying unkind and demeaning things just because you believe differently
hurts
offends
saddens
disgusts
breaks
dismantles

it does no good.
it does harm.
your laughter can be someone elses tears.

have your opinions.
keep them.
speak them.
but learn tact.
learn grace.
learn to be appropriate.

an election is not a reason to slam people.
an election should be used for positivity.
it should be used for you to fight for what you believe
it is one thing to speak up about the things you disagree with
it is important to have a voice
it is important to make your voice heard.
but do so in a way that makes a point
facilitates change
not in a way that is offensive
do not attack others
they have done nothing to warrant your words.
you know not who you hurt.
you know not who you offend.
you know not the damage you do.

speak your piece.
speak your mind.
but do so mindfully
otherwise it's simply unkind.

be good to one another.
cause frankly
we're all we've got.
want to save humanity.
be humanity.
be present and be active.
but do so with your heart and mind open and thoughtful
be considerate.
be thankful
be appreciative
and be accepting that we are all different and that is what makes us special.
because at the end of the day...
you are not perfect.
i am not perfect
you are flawed
i am flawed.
we all are.
and it's ok.

i guess there is nothing more i can say.
i have exhausted my words
i have exhausted my hands.
but i could not let this go unsaid.
as my heart was saddened.
my stomach sickened
my soul was disappointed

remember it does you no good to be mean.

with that i leave you.

happy reading.

a lesson in respect...

silly as this all might sound i have been taking notice of the lack of respect and common courtesy that seems to be surrounding us these days.

yuck.

what have we become.
and how have we become this way.

the thing that blows my mind about it the most it that we carry our phones around with us
we have modes of instant communication.
some times too much.

it makes me sad.
in a world where we can connect at the drop of a hat
but we are so far away.

maybe its just be but frankly it makes me sick.
we can post about our lives on Facebook
but cannot call a friend to tell them hello, let them know you are thinking about them.
me i guess i am old fashioned.
i like to call my friends
see how they are doing
send them text messages when i am not in a place that i can talk just to let them know they are on my mind or that something reminded me of them...

it seems as though it is not reciprocated my way.
except for by my mostly companion.
thank you babes for being thoughtful enough to say hello.
it makes me smile.

i cannot make my friends think of me.
nor can i make them call me.
but my god get some manners.
when you say youre going to
do so.

with this lack of respect and common courtesy.
is the lack of etiquette.
its gone out the window.
i am pretty sure when you are invited somewhere it is the polite thing to do to inform the hostess that you are
a: attending
b: that you regretfully decline

its just nice.
and for not doing it.
its kinda rude.
in fact its very rude.
its not rude to say no.
its rude to say nothing at all.
RESPECT people.
RESPECT.
not hard.
not complicated.
plain and simple.

we were taught the golden rule as children for a reason: treat others how you would like to be treated.
frankly sometimes i would like to treat others how they treat me.
so they can see how it feels.
but i was not raised this way.
i was raised to treat people with respect and common courtesy.
its how i roll.
i would like to say that i was capable of being that way.
but it doesn't feel good.
i'm not in the business of being mean.
i'm not saying i am perfect sure we all slip up at times but there are people who do it consistantly.
and when you speak up for yourself and say "hey this is hurting my feelings, not that i believe i deserve special treatment i just expect the people in my life to treat me with common courtesy and respect" - the same common courtesy and respect that i give them - and then they are rude to you its crap.
just crap.
and i am sick of being treated this way
and thus i am working on cutting those people out of my life.
they are repeat offenders.
and i am by remaining in contact with them and trying to be a part of their lives.
continue the cycle.
well the cycle ends.

i apologize that i am going on this little rant...
but i am just sick and tired.
oh well.
i know i cannot change anyone but myself.
so there you have it.

happy reading.

lovely-ness

so in light of yesterdays post...
i thought i would write again.
i think i should write a little more.
talk a little less.

well considering that i am more or less alone talking a little less means nothing because i am actually speaking to no one.
ha.
funny how that works.
that the moment we decide to listen more are the moments in which we sit in silence and can reflect.

i wish as though i felt that the words and utter nonsense that i mutter through here meant something.
and served a greater purpose.
but i am here simply to express.
my thoughts.
my feelings.
my loves.
my fears (yes i have them - snakes are at the top of the list)  - not that it means anything but its just a bit of me.

as i sit here i am trying to come up with something witty to entertain you all for the day.
or maybe trick myself into getting in to the habit of writing more often.
i miss it.
whether it misses me i do not know.
nor do i care.
i draw blanks.
nothing to write.

i am thinking however about putting up some of my poetry.
not sure if it would be of interest to you my reader.
my friend.

oh well.
maybe as the day progresses i will find something dashingly witty to dazzle you with.
until then happy friday.
go ducks.
and...

Happy Reading!