in light of the events of yesterday, again as a human population we are left in state of stunned disbelief and reflection. how? why? i am not sure which part of all of it impacts me more... is it because i run. is it because i know people who were running yesterday. is it because i work in grief (well my internship anyway) is it because i am a parent... that i do not know. today i stood before a group of young people. highschoolers. these children are our future. the choices that we make will impact them forever. the choice that they make will impact them forever. i stood and spoke as a representative for an organization that i believe in wholeheartedly. i represented the dougy center. they are the home for grieving children. i spoke of their past. i spoke of my past. how apropos. in the wake of a tragedy. i am here to speak of death. but i am the light at the end of the tunnel. we are the light at the end of the tunnel. i look at the world around me and it makes me want to weep. it makes me want to laugh. it makes me want to sing. it makes me want to dance. so how can we make the world a more beautiful place for ourselves for our children for their children and their children... we can look inside ourselves to find the beauty we possess. what beauty can you bring to world in world so full of ugly. bring your heart. bring your laughter. bring your tears bring your innocence. bring your wisdom. bring yourself. yesterday we filled the social media world with tears and heartbreak for the tragedy in Boston. today we filled the world with messages of positivity. i took the time to watch this video made by dove... it brought tears to my eyes. because in world so full of ugly we are our own worst critics. we see not the beauty that we radiate however that isn't always what others see. we see the freckles. we see the wrinkles. we see the age. we see not the light in our eyes. we see not the way our smile enters the heart of others. we see not the way our laughter breaks apart the darkness in ones day. we know not what others see in us. so maybe if we could just take a moment to see the us someone else sees... we can bring a little more beauty back in to the world.
this might not do for you what it did for me... but i think it is worth a watch. so as we enter into a world of ugly things... please remember the beauty that others see in you.
this is not the shallow beauty i speak of... so please do not mistake this for something of that sort. i speak of the beautiful energy that radiates from within. the way that when you walk in to a room you light up a room. beauty is not in the clothes you wear. beauty is not in the makeup you put on your face beauty is not in the way you do your hair. beauty IS in the way you laugh beauty IS in the way you lift the spirits of a friend or a stranger in a few words beauty IS in the way you know how to bring someone to tears with your laughter beauty IS in the way you hug your friends, hug strangers in a time of need beauty IS in YOU. i send my prayers my love my thoughts my positive energy and my beauty to Boston. Happy Reading
in my life we speak lots about tapering. if you don't know i work in a local running store. when you run and you train right before you race a long race. you have a taper week. this week i taper. but i taper in a different way. for the last few years i have been seeking a degree. you may or may not know... you may not have but you might have figured it out... i was a teen mom. i had my totter at the age of 18. that doesn't make college easy... or even possible. for me it wasn't something that i could do. but that changed. i decided that i needed to make a change. i got some education... and i got a great job. it wasn't what i wanted to do forever but it put a roof over our heads and food on our table. but i wasn't emotionally happy. when my professional world came crashing down around me i decided that it was time for a change. i started going back to school. i started with a few classes here and there. but didn't totally have a direction. but then i started to find my way. or maybe my way found me. i started to blast though my classes. then i graduated from pcc. i had the beginnings of a degree. i had an associates degree. my daughter was proud of me. i was proud of me.
i finally felt like my words to my totter about following her dreams were valid. what good is it to tell someone to follow their dreams if you aren't following yours.
that is what i have done. i enrolled at portland state... i thought that i wanted to be a physical therapist at the beginning. but somewhere along the way i found my calling. or it found me. i am a community health educator. almost. that is why i am in my taper. i am wrapping up my second to last term of my undergraduate degree.
i am about to go out in the world and make change. make it better for my child and for her friends. for her community. for my community. for our community.
i cannot wait. i have worked hard. i have learned so much.
i am forever grateful for the outpouring of love and support i have been given. wow. i am forever indebted. i do not know that i am worthy. but i do know that i wouldn't have been able to do this all alone. my friends. my family. my totter. my mostly companion. your patience and your encouragement means more than you know.
i promise to go out into the world and make change. i promise to make you all proud.
out of all of the things i have learned the most valuable. i am worth it. i am worth the learning. i am worth the effort. i am worth the passion. i am worth the time. i am worth the money.
and i will make a difference. watch out world... you have three months left to prepare because i am coming.
in light of the recent events that have happened i am at a loss for words. as for myself and for all of the parents in my life and for all of those out there, my child is my world.
i do not have the answers to stop these unthinkable tragedies. i know that what my heart as a parent and as an active member of my community i can only continue to try and make a difference in the lives of the children in my community.
i however have had the blessed opportunity and cannot wait to continue this opportunity to volunteer. to share in the lives of other children in my community.
i do not know if gun control is the answer. i do not know that it can be. i know that education can and will foster change. and i do not mean just the education that we find in books and lessons. i mean the education that we give one another. in the uplifiting of souls the fostering of dreams the listening that we can offer the love that we can give.
i am only one woman. but if i can help just one child see the beauty within them. so can you.
i in my life have lost. i lost a parent. i was a child. not to violent tragedy. but it is a loss none the less. and i was a lucky child to be able to process my grief. the dougy center it saved my life. i hope that the children who lived through this day. this heartbreak are offered these same resources
so as adults please care for all the children in your community they need you. we need you. as communities we must band together we all live in small communities of our own we are all also a part of a larger community we are a nation rise up. band together. for the sake of our children.
what can we do. how can we help. how can we facilitate the change for a safer better life for our children for their children for ourselves.
we watch these things unfold before our eyes. we render ourselves helpless we are left without words without answers. i want nothing more than to rescue all of the children of the world to keep them safe from harm. i cannot solve all the worlds problems all that i can come up with is love. love the children in your community cherish the things that make them special make them unusal make them sparkle make them shine they are all special creatures and we know not what they live through in their own worlds so in the places that we come into contact with their worlds be kind. be understanding. each child has the right to be loved. and be cherished.
i too as all parents will tonight hug my daughter a little tighter kiss her face a few more times listen even harder.
i know not if gun control can change these tragedies or if we as a community can change them i hope that we as a community can rally together and do what we can to ensure that things of this nature do not occur. that no more lives are to be lost
my heart aches my eyes cry
i want to find answers i want to find reasons i cannot. nor can you.
all we can do is unravel ourselves a little bit more from the threads that entangle our everyday lives open our hearts and our minds open up our schedules to spend a little extra time with the children in our communities so that we can make a difference in just one childs life. so that we can pick one child up help raise them up to the heights in which they dream. so that we know that there is one more child who knows they are loved beyond any measure.
oh the things we have to say... this month i have watched or read many folks talk about the things that they are thankful for in this month of november.
i thought some about it and decided that to remind myself to type something each day was a little unrealistic.
so i thought i would take to this venue and let it all go. all the things i am thankful for.
that's how this whole thing began... and then the election took place. not that it was a surprise. but my oh my the things people say in this time. i was baffled. blown away. shocked. dismayed. appalled. hurt. saddened. disgusted. i just could not believe the things that people would say.
i cannot understand. i will never understand why people opt to be so cruel. sure. you might not agree with a particular candidate and that is fine. that is actually part of what makes the election thing so great. we have the choice. we have the right to choose. and for that i am thankful. there however is no reason to treat the people that don't agree with you like they are less than you. like they are less deserving of equality. you know not where people come from. it is not your place to dehumanize them. they are a person just like you. and frankly if they are not worthy of equality neither are you.
as i sit back and i look at the people in my life or the people that i encounter throughout my days. i look at them as a piece of thread. a different color a different length a different texture just different. and when we are all woven together to make the tapestry of humanity we make the most beautiful one alone we are all just a piece of string. you are no better than the next. i am no better than you and you are no better than me. and that is something that i am thankful for.
i am thankful that i am me i am thankful for where i come from i am thankful for where i am going i am thankful for what i have been through i am thankful for my laughter i am thankful for your laughter that i give to you i am thankful for the rain i am thankful for the sun i am thankful for my brain i am thankful for my soul i am thankful for the sound of my daughter sleeping i am thankful for the waves crashing against the shore i am thankful for the sand between my toes i am thankful for community i am thankful that i am part of a community i am thankful for the bountiful feast that is set before me i am thankful for the honor of being a coach i am thankful for the honor of being a mentor i am thankful for my right to choose i am thankful for being different i am thankful that my mostly companion is different than i am i am thankful for the simple things in life i am thankful that i am alive i am thankful that i was raised the way i was i am thankful for patience i am thankful for acceptance (i wish there were a lot more of this these days) i am thankful for kindness i am thankful for simplicity i am thankful for clean drinking water i am thankful that i have the ability to be the change i wish to see in the world i am thankful that people can fight for what the believe without demeaning others i am thankful that i have travelled i am thankful that i will continue to travel i am thankful for my body, it's not perfect but it works and it's mine i am thankful that i have had the privilege of falling in love i am thankful that i have the privilege of being in love i am thankful that i am mother i am thankful for the beautiful creature that is my daughter i am thankful for her laughter i am thankful for smile i am thankful for the roof over my head i am thankful for faith i am thankful that we all have the freedom to believe in something i am thankful for the music that moves me i am thankful for the music that flows through my veins i am thankful for you i am thankful for me i am thankful for books i am thankful that i fall into bed each night and sleep encompasses me i am thankful for my education i am thankful for the people i call my friends i am thankful for life...
this list could go on. and on and on.
but i'll save you time. it just goes to show that regardless of what i believe and what you believe what your political agenda is or mine i am the same as you you are the same as me we have many things in common... many are different but many are the same. people do not deserve unkind words based on what they believe. our differences make us special. our similarities do too. so do everyone a favor and remember that at the end of the day we are all human. and saying unkind and demeaning things just because you believe differently hurts offends saddens disgusts breaks dismantles
it does no good. it does harm. your laughter can be someone elses tears.
have your opinions. keep them. speak them. but learn tact. learn grace. learn to be appropriate.
an election is not a reason to slam people. an election should be used for positivity. it should be used for you to fight for what you believe it is one thing to speak up about the things you disagree with it is important to have a voice it is important to make your voice heard. but do so in a way that makes a point facilitates change not in a way that is offensive do not attack others they have done nothing to warrant your words. you know not who you hurt. you know not who you offend. you know not the damage you do.
speak your piece. speak your mind. but do so mindfully otherwise it's simply unkind.
be good to one another. cause frankly we're all we've got. want to save humanity. be humanity. be present and be active. but do so with your heart and mind open and thoughtful be considerate. be thankful be appreciative and be accepting that we are all different and that is what makes us special. because at the end of the day... you are not perfect. i am not perfect you are flawed i am flawed. we all are. and it's ok.
i guess there is nothing more i can say. i have exhausted my words i have exhausted my hands. but i could not let this go unsaid. as my heart was saddened. my stomach sickened my soul was disappointed
wow. it has been a long time since i have taken to my blog, but there are things that have happened as of late that have affected my heart in such a way that i must write.
as a mother this made this whole experience, that much more difficult. although i am nothing more than an outsider it doesn't change the impact that it had on me.
a young woman that i used to dance with growing up has grown up and started a family of her own. they are a beautiful family and i admire them and their GRACE and strength.
4 months ago they brought a beautiful daughter into this world. and oh is she gorgeous. i want to love her and squeeze her. but that is not what this is completely about. their daughter was born with a bevy of health issues and i have had the privilege, although it has been a heartbreaking one, to follow their journey.
their daughter who i will not name, nor will i name them to respect their privacy, has struggled. she has fought a brave fight. my heart aches for them. throughout this journey they written in the most eloquent manner, with hope and faith and unyielding love for one another. i have been so honored to see the people that have come forth and offer their prayers, love and positive wishes. personally... i have never prayed so hard for tiny miracles. and although her precious battle for life has come to a close. i think that she and what she has taught those around her is the miracle itself.
we as parents think about the things that we don't want our children to do or want them to do. we want them to use good manners. wash their hands. be polite. not to talk back. to clean their rooms. and the list can go on. but for most of us we don't think of those things in terms of the big picture in that we want them to LIVE to GROW to THRIVE to SURVIVE to NOT STRUGGLE to NOT SUFFER.
and that not to say that we don't think about those things on some level. but most of our everyday thoughts are not of their ultimate survival.
this precious little girl and her big sister as well as her parents did. they had to. there was no choice. it wasn't about whether or not she was going to eat her peas and carrots. it was about whether or not she was going to make it.
and throughout this her parents shared this journey in the most unassuming fashion. not asking for anything but prayers. my heart aches so immensely for them. yet i cannot help but admire their strength and their love for one another their faith is awe inspiring. they are amazing. they have handled themselves with the grace that we all with that we had in time of heartache.
from all of this i look at my family with new eyes. i want to love them more carefully more thoughtfully
i cannot begin to imagine the pain that they are experiencing. i wish i even had the words to properly express myself as to the admiration i have for their family. they will forever live in my heart my prayers my love my thoughts my respect
all i can hope is that they find peace and solace in one another. that they come together as a family to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. that they are the rainbow after the rain that they are the calm after the storm.
and i am not talking about simply romantic love. i am talking about love in general. to love and to be loved is the greatest human capacity. with love comes many facets... forgiveness. patience. thoughtfulness. kindness. friendship. they are all facets of love.
as the new year has begun and new adventures have arisen i have found myself growing even more appreciative of the relationships in my life.
each one has gained new meaning. i feel so blessed by the people who have carved out a place in my soul. who make me who i am.
i spent an afternoon this weekend. celebrating the new love of steppy's life... lil miss aj snuggle. oh i cannot wait for another heart to love. especially this one. but as i sat there in this room... a room filled with women. who had nothing but love and well wishes to share with the mother to be. she is an amazing woman. and i am a lucky lucky girl to have had her in my life for so long... we have been friends since we were kids. and i am forever grateful for her tremendous capacity to love.
but as i sat there and i watched and soaked up all the love in the room i couldn't help but think to myself. what lucky folk we are. to have love that surrounds us. family. that label includes my friends they are my family. they are the threads of the fabric that blankets my soul and keeps me warm in the darkest coldest hours.
as we go through our journeys in life it is so wonderful to know that there are people that you can always count on. my wish for this new year is that we invest a little more in each of our loves. give love. even on days when love cannot be reciprocated in the moment. always extend love. because it will come back to you.
as i go on my journey through life. i know without a shadow of a doubt that i am loved. i am love. i give love. i get love. you are love. you get love. you give love.
i feel blessed in my life that as far as romantic love goes. i am in love with my mostly companion. he is... well he is my heart. he knows my heart he fills my heart. he guides my heart... and for those things i will forever be grateful.
other love. mother love. oh totter. i love you. more than words.
to my mother. my sisters. my aunts. my cousins. my nieces. my nephews. you are all a part of who i am. i am forever indebted to your strengths your weaknesses, your laughter. your tears your wisdom your understanding your love.
to my women friends. wow. your capacity to love amazes me. your capacity to give amazes me your hearts are amazing i cannot ever thank you enough for being who you are. your motherly love for your children your romantic love for your significant others your friendship and support for the women around you. wow. we are blessed group of women...and whether we are all connected to one another or whether we only just know each other. it is still a special thing and you are all special people.
and to my male friends out there (ha that sounds so official) your love for all is probably not as recognized as it should be but your love for your children your love for your significant others your love for your other male friends - your brotherhoods your love for your mothers for your fathers and for the women that you call friends its all amazing.
so thank you all for being a part of my love.
as we grow older and the lines begin to show upon our faces think of them as love lines. they are from the twinkle in your eyes they are from the smiles on your face they are from the hugs that you give they are from the hugs that you receive. they are love.
love yourself. love your surroundings love your life. love each other. cause at the end of the day... that's all we've got. is love.
so remember when you look in the mirror that love looks good on you. so give love receive love and do so whole heartedly.
