farm this...

so i know i should write on a more regular basis...
but my schedule makes it difficult for me to do so.
its not an excuse i know.
but really truly its hard for me to find the time to do anything.

however today i took the time to spend time with two wonderful girls - well one a woman and one a girl.
one being my totter
and the other being my chuck.
no of course that is not her real name, but as we know from what we've read before of mine that i choose to respect my friends privacy by the use of nicknames.

we spend the evening at a farmers market and the whole time i couldn't help but think these things and felt the need to put them into words...
as i think that it is important to let the people we love know how cared about they truly are.

so here goes...

so chuck.
this is for you.
about you.

you are a special woman.
more special than i think you realize.
you are a kind, loving, bright and spectacularly caring woman.
as a friend and a big sister of sorts.
i am so proud of you.
you have grown.
you have followed your dreams.
and you continue to do so everyday.
you are a lovely human.
i am thankful for your friendship each and everday.
we have fun doing whatever it is that we do.
we laugh together.
cry together.
and i feel safe spilling my deepest secrets in your arms.
i know that you carry them in your pocket with the utmost protection and confidence.
you are special.
you continue to grow.
leaps.
bounds.
to immeasurable heights.
may nothing stand in your way.
i will be here to hold your hand.
guide you.
catch you when you fall.
whatever it is.
i'm here.
today.
tomorrow.
forever.
may our friendship continue to abound.
i heart you.

thank you for being you.

happy reading!!

a new rant...well maybe not so new.

so once upon a time not too long ago i wrote about my feelings about the people around me making that leap to marriage...
and how i have still yet to be on that boat.
yet i am watching it set sail all around me.

i am not sure if i should be bitter or happy for everyone. 
let me rephrase that of course i am happy for everyone as marriage is a lovely thing.
i guess i just wonder if this might ever be in the cards for me.
i am beginning to think not.

over the last two weekends i have attended two weddings - very different but both ever so beautiful. so congrats to the beautiful couples. wishing you all the love and happiness that life has to offer.

i also found out that two more people got engaged over the weekend. congrats to them.
however i guess what gets me the most is that they have been together for a very short time and my mostly companion and i have been together for almost four years.  actually one month from today will be that day.

but thats neither here nor there...i guess where my rant begins is that i am beginning to feel like a leper as though i am not one for marrying.  is there something wrong with me?

i also as i was following the life of an old friend.  actually an old dance little sister - she too got married over the weekend.  congrats to her. 

and thus this leaves me not really knowing how to feel.  i guess i think it will never happen for me and that is ok...but i think at some level i would like to have a princess day.  i would like to be with someone that wants to forever share the happiness, the sadness, the struggles, the joys and all other things that life contains.  i would like to share that love with someone.  i suppose i think i share it with my mostly companion but i am not so sure he shares it with me...considering i am still waiting and wondering.  and as we just returned from the most magical vacation i guess i am left feeling very confused.

i dont know how to feel anymore.
i dont even know that this is the stage in which i am to put forth this confusion.
if now it has become to personal.

well enough of this i guess.
many congrats to newly married, newly engaged and those who share their love daily.
happy reading. 

A New Beginning...

there are certain things that i just must get off my chest...
so here goes!

as i write that and reread it...i realize that sounds rather negative but its not....not in the least.

my mostly companion and i just returned from a fabulous vacation.  we just returned from ny.  it was however a different experience than any other time that i have been there.  it was truly magical.  i fell in love with my mostly companion in new and different ways than i EVER dreamed possible...and i fell in love with the city all over again.  it has always been my favorite place in the world - a place that sets my spirit ablaze...fills my soul with sunshine and rainbows.  and this time was no different that still happened but in a more amazing way than i can properly express.

but this is me trying.

i want to move there.  i want to spend the rest of my life with my mostly companion, my daughter and my friends there. 

this trip i spent time with friends i had not seen in years and felt myself so enraptured by them and the people that they have become (one of them was a friend of mine growing up dancing.) so let me tell you about her an the amazingly brilliant woman that she has become.  she blows my mind.  she is bright and radiant and kind and funny and i really wish that i could spend far more time with her and meet her husband and her little one on the way. i love you kg.

another friend of mine who i had the pleasure of seeing shines with a kindness and love unlike anything else i have seen, i got the pleasure to witness her professing her life and love to a wonderful man this weekend.  as we watched them say their vows i got the pleasure of seeing their love.  one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen in exchange for a first dance they did something unlike anything else - they sang.  although it was for us in a way...it was all for them it was a raw beautiful expression of their relationship and i feel blessed that i was privy to seeing it.  so thank you a&j. and congratulations today, tomorrow and always.

so as i sit here in my living room at "home" i am feeling so far from home.  there are no noises of the city.  there is no energy, no life, no spirit.  i feel like i need that in my life.  and for the first time i was lucky enough to share it with the man that i love my mostly companion.  it was beautiful to watch his face light up in ways i had never seen it light up before.  it was a wonderful thing to get to share with him a city that i love so much and to get to experience it in a whole new light. 

i could sit here and write all night but i must go to the grocery store - ugh reality.  and the worst part about it is i must go get in my car to go there...as although it is close it is not city close (and i am also dead tired and lazy.)

so until the next time...happy reading. xo

and so we meet again...

so again i am a slacker...
letting my blogging fall by the wayside. 
dear friend how i missed you.

so i thought i would give a little bit of an update to my life...
not that there is anything tremendously interesting going on but...

i have done something i never thought i could ever accomplish.
i ran and completed my first half marathon.
it was great.
it was my mothers day gift to myself.
to finish.
to see if i could do it.
and low and behold i did.
and now i am hooked. 
i cannot wait to run another one.

thats kinda it for today...
i wish i could write more but i cannot sit comfortable as i took a nasty spill at my soccer game last night as i thought i might try a balancing act (not really) i was just exhausted and i totally bit it and fell severly on my tailbone and cannot sit. 
ok goodnight and happy reading!

rules of driving...another new addition

As promised this was to be continued as I established more rules that should be followed while driving...

19. If you cannot read the signs do not drive.  Failure in the ability to read the signs warrants tickets and causes accidents...so if you can't read - don't drive.

20. Save photography for a time when you are not operating a motor vehicle.  I believe that the hands free laws probably include the use of cameras. Especially while hanging out of the drivers side window while driving.  If you are in the passenger seat or backseat - feel free to take pictures, but while driving is a BIG NO.  I think that is rather self-explanatory as to why.

to be continued...
Happy Reading!!

new year...new everything...I guess.

Well i started my beginning of the new year with a different blog...well not a different blog but a different post.


but a few things have happened since i last started working on processing these thoughts of mine.


so here goes.


A few things have happened of a rather large magnitude have happened since we last spoke...
or you, whoever you are read, my my thoughts as if you were camping out in my soul.
thats a slightly creepy image. 
amusing but creepy. 
it makes me wonder what the decor of my soul looks like...
have you ever considered what the decor of your soul or the soul of another might look like if you were hang out in there...
well no is your chance, i have opened the door and placed the opportunity in front of you.  Take a peak around, tell me what you see.


okay well enough playing visual hostess, i suppose the time has come to change hats and wear that of the verbal hostess.  not that my words are all that beautiful but one can try.


so...
back to the beginning of the new year and the way that it has shaped up thus far.
well...
it has been interesting to say the least.
my year ended with someone trying to steal my car..not just my belongs but my entire car.
which is baffling to me.
who has the right to decide that something should no longer belong to its rightful owner and that it should become someone elses...
i just don't get it.
and the fact that the people who commit these crimes there is nothing but a slap on the wrist if they are caught in the act...
the police do nothing to find them...
however i frequently see them hanging out at the local starbucks.
i am so glad that my tax dollars go to such good use.
rather than them being used for what they are supposed to be used for,
we are all purchasing vente lattes or some other caffeinated coffee drinks...
especially for those of us who don't even drink coffee.


on a second note...
my beloved sister and my babies...well her babies technically.  The boy and his kid sister...my little loves are gone.  They have moved more than just a new city...
they have moved all the way around the world.
to china.
for the next three years.
i am beside myself...
these children are a huge part of who i am...as is my sister.
but she is off doing incredible things.
she for those of you who know her...know that she is AMAZING.
i am in awe.
but her aside...
i am saddended by the fact that i have been such huge part of their childhood thus far...
and now just as tonight will fade into tomorrow.
they are gone.
they will come back.
and i will go to china...woohoo.
but none the less they are not here for me to indulge in my nuggetness.
oh nuggets.
wonderful nuggets.
but from all the way over here
i wish them love and kisses.


a huge thing that happened...
well this one was one that i dont know that i will ever get over.
my baby.
my real baby.
my angel.
hit a milestone birthday.
its crazy.
she has become the most lovely young lady and i am beyond proud of who she has and is becoming.
she blows my mind everyday.
i am proud to be her mother.


and now for the most recent and heartbreaking...
i lost my grandmother.
on monday, my family lost its glue.
its matriarch.
i cannot begin to find the words to express how this has affected me.
lets begin with a little story about me...
for those of you who know me.
know i lost my father when i was 11 years old.
the woman that has gone now from my life...
was his mother.
she embodies so many of my childhood memories...
ones that after my father passed away i think i buried deep down inside my soul.
in ways i feel as though i have lost my father all over again.
my heart hurts.
i loved my grandmother.
i still love my grandmother.
i will always love my grandmother.
she was a terrific woman.
full of life is the best way that i can describe her.
my grandmother would have turned 90 this march had she lived that long...
but just like my father she passed away 2 months befor a monumental birthday...
his being 50.
hers being 90.
i am saddended by her loss.
there are so many things in my life that i had wanted to share with her.
i would have loved to have had her be there on the day that i get married...
nor will my father.
although i am not in any hurry to do so...but none the less when the time comes they will not be there.
and this crushes me.
she will not get to know my daughter...
or my sisters children.
however i suppose it is now time that i make sure that i do not lose contact with my fathers sisters and their children as i did when my father died, although it was not my responsibilty, as a child to maintain those relationships...
i regret that they had fallen by the wayside and that it has taken this loss to bring us back together.
but this time i am an adult and i will be the one to take the reigns and make sure that it doesn't go away again.
after all what is family without eachother?
there are so many things that i would like to say in regards to my grandmother and this loss but there is really only so much that i can say for the day prior to the emotions become too much to hand
my grandmother will also not be here to see these things in the flesh i know that so much of her is entwined in who i am.
we are both spritely in size
and firey in spirit.
i love you grandma.

Free to be You and Me...part deux.

as a way to wrap up what I had to say earlier...
i heard this song this evening that i thought it might be important to for us to take a good look at the words and soak them in.

they are not my words nor would i ever claim them to be they are words that should resonate in all of us everyday. 

its important to remember that we are only people all made from the same thing and when we knock someone down based on the color of their skin, their sex, their religion, their beliefs, their disabilities, their socioeconmonic status, their sexual preferences we are knocking down a brother or sister in humanity.  we know nothing of their story of their hardships and troubles or loves and hobbies.  we are more alike than we realize - we are human and made from the same things.

so please take with you these words...

imagine there's no heaven

it's easy if you try
no hell below us
above us only sky
imagine all the people
living for today...


imagine there's no countries
it isn't hard to do
nothing to kill or die for
and no religion too
imagine all the people
living life in peace...


you may say I'm a dreamer
but I'm not the only one
i hope someday you'll join us
and the world will be as one

imagine no possessions
i wonder if you can
no need for greed or hunger
a brotherhood of man
imagine all the people
sharing all the world...


you may say I'm a dreamer
but I'm not the only one
i hope someday you'll join us
and the world will live as one

-john lennon


with these words in my heart i will never stop fighting for equality.
happy reading.