Driving home today this song came on the radio and I begun to cry, cry for all my wonderful childhood memories, cry for the loss of my father, cry for the loss of my childhood. So I thought I needed to share.
I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
A tribute
Today I take to my blog in a toast to my dear dear friend Jilly...(her full name won't be used.) But she knows who she is.
This morning I recieved a wonderful phone call. My friend Jilly is now the reciepient of the Ford Scholarship. Now friends this scholorship is not your ordinary everyday scholarship. This is a life changing scholarship.
First and foremost I must congratulate all of the Ford Applicants and say that you are all remarkable and I am proud of each and everyone of you.
Jilly! A toast is in order - you are a warrior...not just a warrior you are a VAGINA WARRIOR. And without you, I wouldn't have been quite the VAGINA WARRIOR that I have become. Without you I would have never been a part of Vagina Monologues and for that I cannot thank you enough. What a wonderful experience. And to share it with you. You have inspired my year of change. And this year has been an amazing year for me thus far and it is only May. We have been friends for a very long time - seen each other through more than anyone should go through in a lifetime or 2 lifetimes. You and I have grown from sad, scared, little girls who were becoming mothers - to AMAZING, FIERCE and FEARLESS WOMEN - AND SINGLE MOTHERS WITH WONDERFUL, BRIGHT, HAPPY, HEALTHY CHILDREN!! We did it! You have inspired my year of change. You have been my friend through thick and through thin - we have cried together and laughed together. You have come back to school to change your life and change the world. And that you are doing daily. You are an inspiration to me. You have been such a role model not only to me but to young women and mothers entering the community of Portland Community College. WOW. Jilly you are a rockstar. I am speechless and overwhelmed with things I want to say to you and to the world about how remarkable a woman I think you are. You are raising 2 young boys who will become wonderful little men, courtesy of their mother who has made their life possible. You my friend have earned this. You have set out on a mission for success and change and now my friend you have the opportunity to make it all happen.
So with that I say to you and to the universe. Jilly I am proud of you and you are my hero today and every day. Please never stop changing the world. I love you.
Happy Reading!
This morning I recieved a wonderful phone call. My friend Jilly is now the reciepient of the Ford Scholarship. Now friends this scholorship is not your ordinary everyday scholarship. This is a life changing scholarship.
First and foremost I must congratulate all of the Ford Applicants and say that you are all remarkable and I am proud of each and everyone of you.
Jilly! A toast is in order - you are a warrior...not just a warrior you are a VAGINA WARRIOR. And without you, I wouldn't have been quite the VAGINA WARRIOR that I have become. Without you I would have never been a part of Vagina Monologues and for that I cannot thank you enough. What a wonderful experience. And to share it with you. You have inspired my year of change. And this year has been an amazing year for me thus far and it is only May. We have been friends for a very long time - seen each other through more than anyone should go through in a lifetime or 2 lifetimes. You and I have grown from sad, scared, little girls who were becoming mothers - to AMAZING, FIERCE and FEARLESS WOMEN - AND SINGLE MOTHERS WITH WONDERFUL, BRIGHT, HAPPY, HEALTHY CHILDREN!! We did it! You have inspired my year of change. You have been my friend through thick and through thin - we have cried together and laughed together. You have come back to school to change your life and change the world. And that you are doing daily. You are an inspiration to me. You have been such a role model not only to me but to young women and mothers entering the community of Portland Community College. WOW. Jilly you are a rockstar. I am speechless and overwhelmed with things I want to say to you and to the world about how remarkable a woman I think you are. You are raising 2 young boys who will become wonderful little men, courtesy of their mother who has made their life possible. You my friend have earned this. You have set out on a mission for success and change and now my friend you have the opportunity to make it all happen.
So with that I say to you and to the universe. Jilly I am proud of you and you are my hero today and every day. Please never stop changing the world. I love you.
Happy Reading!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Rules of Driving...another addition
16. Do not shave bikini line while driving...not only is it unsafe but really gross to boot.
17. If you have not applied your makeup when you left you house, please do not so while driving, even if you try to do it at a stop light that is not adequate time to fix your face...and trust me you look a lot better without make up than you would as a cyclops because you poked out your eye with a mascara wand.
18. When driving in a construction zone where lanes are closed and cones have designated new lanes, don't think that just because you don't understand the lane system that the rest of us are in the same boat cause chances are we do get it...considering thats why we are in the new lanes to begin with and we would greatly appreciate if you cannot follow the directions that you wait your turn and get in at the END of the line not squeezing in where ever you see fit. It makes people mad and at that point you have a better chance of hitting someones car than getting let in...and stupidity isn't a good excuse for cops or for your insurance.
To Be Continued...
Happy Reading!
17. If you have not applied your makeup when you left you house, please do not so while driving, even if you try to do it at a stop light that is not adequate time to fix your face...and trust me you look a lot better without make up than you would as a cyclops because you poked out your eye with a mascara wand.
18. When driving in a construction zone where lanes are closed and cones have designated new lanes, don't think that just because you don't understand the lane system that the rest of us are in the same boat cause chances are we do get it...considering thats why we are in the new lanes to begin with and we would greatly appreciate if you cannot follow the directions that you wait your turn and get in at the END of the line not squeezing in where ever you see fit. It makes people mad and at that point you have a better chance of hitting someones car than getting let in...and stupidity isn't a good excuse for cops or for your insurance.
To Be Continued...
Happy Reading!
I was told I was missed...
So as I sit her contemplating what to write, I sit back and think about things that have been going on in the world around me. Although my own personal world isn't terribly exciting (it is mostly filled with anatomy and physiolgy)...so I lost my train of thought already. I suppose there wasn't much there to begin with.
BUT anyways...I was thinking back to a story that I heard about the day after mothers day and it really touched my heart it was about a young man a pitcher for the Oakland A's named Dallas Braden, this young man lost his mother some years back I am not sure how many, but this game was on mother's day. He pitched his first perfect game on Mother's Day and sadly enough his mother was not there to see him complete this amazing feat. His grandmother however was there to see it. And this touched me so greatly, when I heard about this I thought how wonderful for him. I also thought of how sad it made me that more people didn't care about the sweet emotional significance.
Again on this subject I think of Phil Mickelson and his win at the Masters this year and how touching it was to see his wife who is battling for her lfe with breast cancer as is his mother to be there to hug him that end. And to see in his eyes that nothing meant more in the world than to hold her in his arms to be able to share his accomplishments with her, that green jacket could come or go, but in his arms is where he always wanted her to stay.
In a world where we gawk more that train wrecks that are in the public eye ie Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods and the list goes on...we forget about the sweet inherant goodness and love of one another, and how special that is and how much more that needs to be appreciated. I honestly believe that the world needs to be touched by the kindness and embrace it as pathway in their own lives...
Thank you to those of you out there who are not afraid to love, not afraid to cry. I thank you again and again, from here to eternity.
Happy Reading
BUT anyways...I was thinking back to a story that I heard about the day after mothers day and it really touched my heart it was about a young man a pitcher for the Oakland A's named Dallas Braden, this young man lost his mother some years back I am not sure how many, but this game was on mother's day. He pitched his first perfect game on Mother's Day and sadly enough his mother was not there to see him complete this amazing feat. His grandmother however was there to see it. And this touched me so greatly, when I heard about this I thought how wonderful for him. I also thought of how sad it made me that more people didn't care about the sweet emotional significance.
Again on this subject I think of Phil Mickelson and his win at the Masters this year and how touching it was to see his wife who is battling for her lfe with breast cancer as is his mother to be there to hug him that end. And to see in his eyes that nothing meant more in the world than to hold her in his arms to be able to share his accomplishments with her, that green jacket could come or go, but in his arms is where he always wanted her to stay.
In a world where we gawk more that train wrecks that are in the public eye ie Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods and the list goes on...we forget about the sweet inherant goodness and love of one another, and how special that is and how much more that needs to be appreciated. I honestly believe that the world needs to be touched by the kindness and embrace it as pathway in their own lives...
Thank you to those of you out there who are not afraid to love, not afraid to cry. I thank you again and again, from here to eternity.
Happy Reading
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
New Rules of Driving...they really should be followed.
Rule 1. Do not do your hair - if it wasn't done when you got in the car that's ok, no one is in there with you therefore no one cares what your hair looks like.
Rule 2. Chips and dip are for parties not for driving.
Rule 3. Cereal is a breakfast food better eaten at home not in a moving vehicle especially when you are the operator of said moving vehicle.
Rule 4. Turn signals - use them. That's what they are there for.
Rule 5. You can only turn left or right from the outside lanes in to the respective outside lanes unless otherwise indicated.
Rule 6. Please leave your reading material at home or save it for when you have reached your destination.
Rule 7. Figure out where you are going and how you are going to get there prior to heading there. Its easier for all of us this way.
Rule 8. This rule applies to the owners of luxury cars more specifically than others. Just because you can afford a fancy car does not give you special privileges while driving.
Rule 9. You are not more special than anyone else on the road - we are all trying to get somewhere too.
Rule 10. Being rude while driving doesn't do anything but make you look like a jack ass and put a bad taste in other peoples mouths.
Rule 11. Don't litter out your windows - your mother taught you better than that.
Rule 12. Don't steal parking spaces from people who have obviously waiting, just because you have no patience does not mean that you get special treatment.
Rule 13. When in neighborhoods realize that you are in a neighborhood not on a race track slow down.
Rule 14. Go ahead and drive crazy between stop lights - you are only going to get to the red light faster. (please note sarcasim)
Rule 15. Stop at stop signs they do have a purpose.
Please if you have other rules that you feel should be added by all means! And this list should be continued.
Happy Reading!
Rule 2. Chips and dip are for parties not for driving.
Rule 3. Cereal is a breakfast food better eaten at home not in a moving vehicle especially when you are the operator of said moving vehicle.
Rule 4. Turn signals - use them. That's what they are there for.
Rule 5. You can only turn left or right from the outside lanes in to the respective outside lanes unless otherwise indicated.
Rule 6. Please leave your reading material at home or save it for when you have reached your destination.
Rule 7. Figure out where you are going and how you are going to get there prior to heading there. Its easier for all of us this way.
Rule 8. This rule applies to the owners of luxury cars more specifically than others. Just because you can afford a fancy car does not give you special privileges while driving.
Rule 9. You are not more special than anyone else on the road - we are all trying to get somewhere too.
Rule 10. Being rude while driving doesn't do anything but make you look like a jack ass and put a bad taste in other peoples mouths.
Rule 11. Don't litter out your windows - your mother taught you better than that.
Rule 12. Don't steal parking spaces from people who have obviously waiting, just because you have no patience does not mean that you get special treatment.
Rule 13. When in neighborhoods realize that you are in a neighborhood not on a race track slow down.
Rule 14. Go ahead and drive crazy between stop lights - you are only going to get to the red light faster. (please note sarcasim)
Rule 15. Stop at stop signs they do have a purpose.
Please if you have other rules that you feel should be added by all means! And this list should be continued.
Happy Reading!
Friday, April 23, 2010
A different kind of writing
So normally when i sit here and write I write from a place of happiness...
however tonight is a different story.
Although I am surrounded by my favorite little people, I sit here and I feel like I am failing. As if in life I have bitten off more than I can chew. I want to cry - however I do not want to cry in front of my daughter and my niece and nephew. But I feel like I am failing at life.
As I sit here and I contemplate the path that I have chosen in life, I wonder if I can do it. I feel like I am too stupid to be taking on this journey. And it breaks my heart. I work so hard. Prior to going back to school I had applied for hundreds probably thousands of jobs without so much as a call back. I feel unwanted and like failure, that I am not to succeed in life. I had thought that I had found my way years ago but it wasn't quite the place for me and things happened that led me away from it. And I suppose it is for the better. And now on this new journey, I have applied for scholarships and am not considered for them. I guess I just don't fit the bill or have the right things to say that will make them consider me.
I feel very alone in this world and frequently as if I have no one on my side. And like I have a place I am trying to get to, but I am lost along the way. I feel like a failure at life. There are people in my life, who seem to have things handed to them and walk away unscathed and then here I am and I work my ass off and I feel like I can never catch a break. Maybe I am doing something wrong - but would please someone show me the way.
At school I work so hard, i study so hard and then I struggle. It breaks my spirit I walk around and I feel stupid and like a failure all the time.
It is the same thing with my body...I work out so hard, i have begun running, i play soccer, I quit drinking and going out, and I cannot lose weight and i have friends who work out as well and they are losing all the weight that they want to. It is if i am destined to be chubby forever. I keep trying to convince myself not to worry about my outward appearance and be proud of the things that I am accomplishing athletically - I have recently become a "runner" or tried to anyway - I ran my first 5k in March and an 8k last weekend and I am preparing for another 5k at the beginning of may and hopefully a 10k at the end of may. Yet when I get the photos back I still look like the chubby girl who is trying to be a 'runner."
Maybe I am simply being to hard on myself...but I really feel like I am failing at life. At this point I sit here and contemplate my path...maybe I am simply not on the right on. I feel like I am falling apart. I feel very alone, and I am wishing that I had someone here to pick up the pieces and put them together the right way. At this moment I am feeling as though I need a vacation from my life. I want to run away and start all over. (Take my little one of course...shes my world.) But none the less start over in a new town with new faces. And maybe its as simple as making a change with how I look - I feel frumpy and unattractive but considering that I have no money I cannot get my hair done or buy new clothes - I am stuck looking like this. And I HATE IT. I have never in my life felt beautiful but the further that I embark on this journey of the great unknown - the worse I seem to feel about my outward appearance.
I can only hope that this frustration and feelings of defeat and failure dissipate and I do become all the things that dream of becoming not all of the things that I feel like I am.
however tonight is a different story.
Although I am surrounded by my favorite little people, I sit here and I feel like I am failing. As if in life I have bitten off more than I can chew. I want to cry - however I do not want to cry in front of my daughter and my niece and nephew. But I feel like I am failing at life.
As I sit here and I contemplate the path that I have chosen in life, I wonder if I can do it. I feel like I am too stupid to be taking on this journey. And it breaks my heart. I work so hard. Prior to going back to school I had applied for hundreds probably thousands of jobs without so much as a call back. I feel unwanted and like failure, that I am not to succeed in life. I had thought that I had found my way years ago but it wasn't quite the place for me and things happened that led me away from it. And I suppose it is for the better. And now on this new journey, I have applied for scholarships and am not considered for them. I guess I just don't fit the bill or have the right things to say that will make them consider me.
I feel very alone in this world and frequently as if I have no one on my side. And like I have a place I am trying to get to, but I am lost along the way. I feel like a failure at life. There are people in my life, who seem to have things handed to them and walk away unscathed and then here I am and I work my ass off and I feel like I can never catch a break. Maybe I am doing something wrong - but would please someone show me the way.
At school I work so hard, i study so hard and then I struggle. It breaks my spirit I walk around and I feel stupid and like a failure all the time.
It is the same thing with my body...I work out so hard, i have begun running, i play soccer, I quit drinking and going out, and I cannot lose weight and i have friends who work out as well and they are losing all the weight that they want to. It is if i am destined to be chubby forever. I keep trying to convince myself not to worry about my outward appearance and be proud of the things that I am accomplishing athletically - I have recently become a "runner" or tried to anyway - I ran my first 5k in March and an 8k last weekend and I am preparing for another 5k at the beginning of may and hopefully a 10k at the end of may. Yet when I get the photos back I still look like the chubby girl who is trying to be a 'runner."
Maybe I am simply being to hard on myself...but I really feel like I am failing at life. At this point I sit here and contemplate my path...maybe I am simply not on the right on. I feel like I am falling apart. I feel very alone, and I am wishing that I had someone here to pick up the pieces and put them together the right way. At this moment I am feeling as though I need a vacation from my life. I want to run away and start all over. (Take my little one of course...shes my world.) But none the less start over in a new town with new faces. And maybe its as simple as making a change with how I look - I feel frumpy and unattractive but considering that I have no money I cannot get my hair done or buy new clothes - I am stuck looking like this. And I HATE IT. I have never in my life felt beautiful but the further that I embark on this journey of the great unknown - the worse I seem to feel about my outward appearance.
I can only hope that this frustration and feelings of defeat and failure dissipate and I do become all the things that dream of becoming not all of the things that I feel like I am.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
its been a while old friend
so again it was brought to my attention that I am not keeping up with my blogging and for that I apologize. I have embarked on yet another term of school and it is consuming me...Lets just hope that it comes out to great results. That is what I hope for every term...but it doesn't always happen.
But this evening I am taking a momentary break for my life as it were and spending some much needed time with the people I love the most. My daughter of course and my niece and my nephew. They are delightful little people who make life so happy and carefree!
They are the moment all wearing capes and they are part of the Glenda Fame Bat club...and I'll tell you why. My niece who is the youngest of the three and she is almost 3 - her name begins with a G ( it is not however Glenda that was my daughters contribution) , my nephew who just turned 5 his name begins with an F...hence the fame. And we'll the bat club is because my nephew is wearing his batman pajamas complete with cape.
As I watch them play I am envious of how carefree and imaginative they all are together. They play so freely, there is no television turned on - there are no fancy toys involved...there are some capes, three kids, and a blanket (to disguise them from the bad guys as they are helping all the people that are in trouble) to have a wonderful time.
This reminds me of another funny story involving the very batman pajamas previously spoken of. A few months back my mostly companion and I were spending the evening with the littles and the boy was wearing the batman pajamas - as soon as he was dressed in them he said to me "where's my cape? I need my cape!" I however disappointingly it might be did not know where the cape in question was. We then proceeded to head downstairs in my sisters home so that the children could continue their play for a while and the boy (as I will be calling him as I do not want to mention names without permission from their parents...) was asked by my mostly companion "Are you Batman?" and the reply was "No, I'm [insert name here] Batman." and then he simply left the room.
Much to my delight tonight as we were putting on the boy's pajamas I was again asked "Where's my cape?" This time however much to HIS delight...I was able to provide him with the cape.
Fortunately this has not been the only delights that these wonderful beings have blessed me with this evening...they are quite hilarious. But earlier we had a lovely conversation on belly buttons which was followed by a displaying of bellybuttons - I maintained that I did not have one as I was not prepared to show mine to a 3,5 and 9 year old.
I find many delights in listening to my niece speak as she has the sweetest little voice and she says the sweetest things. She was talking to me about ella...that is Cinderella in her words. As well as "purple tights" which unfortunately I interpreted as poopy tights - not even close. OOPS...
Well I must depart at least for a few as I need to put the boy and his kid sister to bed. Sadly enough there will be no more tales of them for today but another time my friends!!
Happy Reading!
But this evening I am taking a momentary break for my life as it were and spending some much needed time with the people I love the most. My daughter of course and my niece and my nephew. They are delightful little people who make life so happy and carefree!
They are the moment all wearing capes and they are part of the Glenda Fame Bat club...and I'll tell you why. My niece who is the youngest of the three and she is almost 3 - her name begins with a G ( it is not however Glenda that was my daughters contribution) , my nephew who just turned 5 his name begins with an F...hence the fame. And we'll the bat club is because my nephew is wearing his batman pajamas complete with cape.
As I watch them play I am envious of how carefree and imaginative they all are together. They play so freely, there is no television turned on - there are no fancy toys involved...there are some capes, three kids, and a blanket (to disguise them from the bad guys as they are helping all the people that are in trouble) to have a wonderful time.
This reminds me of another funny story involving the very batman pajamas previously spoken of. A few months back my mostly companion and I were spending the evening with the littles and the boy was wearing the batman pajamas - as soon as he was dressed in them he said to me "where's my cape? I need my cape!" I however disappointingly it might be did not know where the cape in question was. We then proceeded to head downstairs in my sisters home so that the children could continue their play for a while and the boy (as I will be calling him as I do not want to mention names without permission from their parents...) was asked by my mostly companion "Are you Batman?" and the reply was "No, I'm [insert name here] Batman." and then he simply left the room.
Much to my delight tonight as we were putting on the boy's pajamas I was again asked "Where's my cape?" This time however much to HIS delight...I was able to provide him with the cape.
Fortunately this has not been the only delights that these wonderful beings have blessed me with this evening...they are quite hilarious. But earlier we had a lovely conversation on belly buttons which was followed by a displaying of bellybuttons - I maintained that I did not have one as I was not prepared to show mine to a 3,5 and 9 year old.
I find many delights in listening to my niece speak as she has the sweetest little voice and she says the sweetest things. She was talking to me about ella...that is Cinderella in her words. As well as "purple tights" which unfortunately I interpreted as poopy tights - not even close. OOPS...
Well I must depart at least for a few as I need to put the boy and his kid sister to bed. Sadly enough there will be no more tales of them for today but another time my friends!!
Happy Reading!
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